jenny2bo
New
Reged: 10/25/07
Posts: 1
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Stepmom issues seem to be a hot topic! I would like to hear opinions/experiences from other stepmoms on how they would handle the bio mom that is jealous,bitter,mad what have you. Would you stand up for yourself and push and issue(like the parent/teacher conferences) or would you back down just to keep the peace(not a battle worth pursuing) even if you did nothing wrong to piss off the ex? And why do you feel this why?
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1227
Gold
Reged: 09/12/07
Posts: 195
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Depends on the issue. Some are worth fighting others are not. Parent/teach conference no been there done that and realize I am not of any benefit for anyone to be there my opinion to the school, teacher or mom means nothing. Why bother. Dad can fill you in and you can do as you can do at home correctly for the child.
Visitation, well something like child needs to skip do to this so we are now saying will go on such and such day. Well depends on what we have going on. Ok child can not come when suppose to but I am not changing my plans to accomodate especially since we were always told on short notice.
If it something she feels she needs to pick about in my home. Well this I will argue. My home, I am the woman of this home therefore my rules stand she has no right to make rules for my home my family.
Lastly, if mom calls for an explanation of some sort whatever. Why we did not do this or that or why we did something I will not even hear of it nor discuss it if she has an issue take it up w/ someone else maybe womeone that cares.
If she feels child needs something and would like us to help, I consider what it is. Think of the childs best interest and need and if we can do it or not.
Please keep in mind that my husband has no conversation w/ ex at all that is a nightmare so I have had to step in and be the more civil. Does not sound like it, but really I am. She is really nasty and selfish not to mention controlling. Being that I have to play the same game.
If they could communicate I would probably just step aside and not deal w/ any of it because after it is said and done the step is the least appreciated and really dad has no justice in this system. Dads are really only the cashcow
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nene34
New
Reged: 10/25/07
Posts: 6
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Well I don't like fighting at all and I don't fight with my own ex, but I refuse to be pushed around by anyone.
As for my BF's ex well all my BF is to her is a support check, she doesn't involve him or inform him about anything in their daughters life, plus she likes to put down my BF in front of their daughter. I also blame my BF for not sticking up for himself. Funny though, those support checks end in June of 08 and I think he just waiting his chance to tell his ex to kiss off with the last check.
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katiebear22
Silver
Reged: 11/04/06
Posts: 58
Loc: Texas
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I think the best advice we can give you (and some already have) is to choose your battles. It doesn't do anyone any good to fight with bm over little stuff, but when it impacts you and your family (stepchildren included) don't be a doormat.
I am in a similar situation... Bm will do anything possible to disturb the peace and make waves. She calls just to yell, and always yells at my husband and often calls me names. Sometimes, she's rational... most times, she's not. When she is, she realizes that if she's respectful or at least civil, then she gets a lot more from my husband and I. She knows very well that I will not put up with any of her childish stuff, as I stand up for myself and my husband when necessary.
Overall, fighting with her causes edginess with my husband and I, so it's just not worth it most of the time. Talk with your husband when things happen, and the two of you can decide what is worth fighting for.
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"Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts."
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nene34
New
Reged: 10/25/07
Posts: 6
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I'd block her phone # if I were you Katiebear22, heck if I'd put up with anyone calling me to yell at me. Remember Misery loves company, and people who aren't happy in their lives will try and make those around them unhappy too.
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golightly
Gold
Reged: 04/10/07
Posts: 141
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It really depends. If you see abuse or neglect (seriously, not just anecdotes spun awry) then of course you have to do something. Otherwise, after nearly 8 years of being a "step", I can truly say I have regretted each and every time I have gotten into it with the ex over kids. I love my step sons - they are great guys, and I am both happy and proud to support them, but any attempt to argue with the ex (usually to defend my hubby, or to argue for reasonableness in teh face of exhorbitant demands) has just left me insulted and drained. Although my husband admires me for my efforts - he stopped speaking to his ex years ago for the same reason I try to avoid her now.
Here's what I did - I came to terms with what I was willing to do for the kids, and what I wasn't. Mostly about what I wanted them to have financially. The biggest issue with this woman was she wanted our money, but not our involvement. And any time we were involved or gave money, she would minimize it and even pretend it never happened - infuriating! eg we paid for at least one camp for each boy each summer. She would throw out comments like - "Well, since I pay for all their camps each year...." OR....they would live with us for 6 months while she was getting her health on track, and she would say a few months later "Well, they hardly know their Dad because they haven't spend any real time at his house in years." We're talking Crazy Town here. I learned how to say "no" without feeling like a jerk about it.
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golightly
Gold
Reged: 04/10/07
Posts: 141
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And sorry - to answer your Q more directly...I would put maintaining my own pride at the bottom of the list in dealings with the ex. You cannot care what she thinks about you, or let her get under your skin. That's just the kind of power that bitter Ex's look for and thrive upon.
Do not seek her approval, but if she freaks at you, simply say "I'm sorry - I didn't mean to offend" and walk away. You can have a good chuckle over a glass of wine later with either your hubby or your girlfriends. Man, do I wish I had done that early in my relationship with my husband!
A HUGE and popular insult is "you're not a mom, so you just can't understand". Or "You don't know my kids like I do" Well, now I'm a mom and in all truth there are a few things I didn't understand, but do now. (And a lot of things I still say she is insane about....) And I've known my SS's for 8 years now - I think I know them pretty well, but you won't catch me telling crazy gal that.
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 4779
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If you've read our posts, you realize that Golightly's husband & my husband were married to the same woman as their first wife, and we have very similar step-mom issues. Our husband's exes are spendthrifts, lazy, resentful, jealous, focused on frivolous things & not much caring about the important stuff (like schoolwork or saving for the educational needs of the future), demanding, and all ready to say nasty stuff to the kids about the ex and about how if there's anythign they can't afford it's all HIS fault (despite that if there's anything they CAN afford it's all HER credit, even when it came from him).
They are toxic, and their poison can hurt the kids. The only way to deal with this is be as polite as humanly possible and walk away. WALK AWAY. Meaning that if your'e at the PTA & the woman stands up & pulls a Harper Valley PTA move on you... it's time to say, "sorry, I didn't mean to set you off again", and walk away. I know, my way of saying it is a little snarkier & might just set her off again, letting me chuckle a little on the way home, but ... well... the woman is truly nuts! It's not worth the kids going through teh embarassment of knowing that their mother, who provided half their DNA, is nuts. I've checked this out & her diagnosis is NOT something that is chemical... it's NOT passed down from generation to generation, and they're not going to have to fear being like that, themselves.
So I try to let her run roughshod over whatever silly group she wants to.. they eventually find out that her promises to be thier best president ever, are all empty, and all she wants is somethign new to brag about to the casual acquaintances... "I'm president of the XYZ for my kids... it's all about the kids", and then she gets great pats on the back for being the perfect parent by people who don't know her very well.
Sigh.
It's sad. The kids of course hear everyone praise their mother for being so wonderful, and they know how she acts, and they dont' really know the difference, so their definition of "great mother" is her. With all the empty promises, screaming at them behind closed doors, strange sleeping habits & weird seductive behavior towards the teens (she keeps hoping to be a MILF, I've found out the name of that term since meeting her, and though she is VERY much not one of those types, she really WANTS to be, BADLY, and the seductive stuff is really embarassing).
So this is how the kids define "great mother". OK... there's nothing I can do, from my position in life, to help them learn any better, other than plod along in my own little "stepmother" role. I cook, I clean, I show them how to bake cookies. I organize little projects to paint thier rooms & have them help their father re-finish my dining room furniture (for which I gave them more in thier allowance). I help them Christmas shop for each otehr & for their Dad. I even provide the $$$ for the gift shopping spree. I organized an allowance system (the mother wants them to use that for their lunch money, so fo course we had to find a way to put a "rule" on it that they only spend it when they're with us. I hate that, but it's ridiculous after $1600 a month on top of her own $80,000 a year salary, she can't manage to afford their lunches).
I tell them to get off the sofas & to bed when it's time, or else they'd stay up all night & sleep in the living room with horror movies on late night TV if they could.
I have to hope that sooner or later they'll choose to follow thier definition of "stepmother" as how to handle the female head of household role when it comes time to organize thier own households ... because if they follow their definition of "good mother" when they organize their own households, they'll be going bankrupt. And sadly, because of her priorities, these poor kids will NOT be prepared to find jobs where they can earn $80,000 a year and work from home half time. They'll be lucky if they find employment that puts them squarely in the lower-middle class... not that it's a bad thing, but these are kids who are taught that the failure to send the kids to camp for 2 months worth of the summer is child abuse. Failure to buy a car for them on their 16th birthday is further abuse, etc., etc...
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klba
New
Reged: 11/25/07
Posts: 6
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I can totally understand how you feel, Im deealing with a nut too! I wouldnt let her push you out of your step childrens lives, you are important to their well being too. I think if your too passive, she'll take full advantage and walk all over you, thats what happened in my case, and Im not usually one to keep quiet about things when they bother me, but I thought it would make it easier for everyone (my husband and the kids) but it didnt work that way. The more people that love those kids, the better off they are. I dont interfere with parenting issues, like discipline, I know there are boundries being a stepmother, I just would appreciate some respect from Sybil ex wife
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momto6
New
Reged: 02/07/08
Posts: 20
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OMG! it's like i hit a lucky card in the having-someone understand-what-i'm-dealing-with here too!! Here i thought the only nut-case out there was my husbands ex. he has 50/50 custody but it sounds like all of you have the same person as i do to deal with. lets see...if i give a quiz i am willing to bet that you can all agree to the following qualities in the ex: controlling (since their marriage and now wants to keep controlling)manipulative to husband and kids to get her way, jealous even though she is the one who cheated and ended the marriage, vindictive, has false sense of what reality is and what her "rules" are, acts like mother of the year but really has no regard for how her behavior makes the children feel. after 8 years i have found that it does not get easier. she will go through phases of being quiet but then BOOM she literally does one thing and then says another which is usually the opposite of reality. she is a serious nutball that needs some help and medication. as far as dealing with her, she cant keep her mouth shut so we have stopped phone conversations outside of emergencies and have set up an email account that we expect her to check daily. we have had two restraining orders-they never work they just find loopholes. she has NEVER been civil. she has done crazy things like buy things off our garage sale that were hers with my husband when they were married, walk in our house without knocking, hollars at me when i coach the kids in sports, tried to have me arrested for taking the kids to see my family out of state when it was my husbands week to have the kids-he was on a hunting trip and i decided to go it alone with them because they love my family and we were celebrating their 1 yr old sisters birthday. she did not care how it affected the children whom were sobbing when she called my cell phone to let me know that i would be arrested by a state trooper. of course this never happened because it was my husbands week to have the kids and there was nothing she could do about it. just lying. had i been arrested though, her kids wouldve been in foster care for the whole weekend until the state i was in could transport the children to our home state to their mother. did i mention i was 6 months pregnant? yes--psycho. that is actually what she is referred to between me and my husband because she is VERY psycho. there is no reasoning with her and i actually feel so sorry for the kids because she is going to have them so screwed up and it doesnt have to be that way.
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