Courtelise
New
Reged: 04/06/07
Posts: 15
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I was in an emotionally abusive marriage. I left him a year ago. It's been a hellish legal battle since then. He was a heavy drinker. But sued for custody, took a weekend job, pulled the wool over the judge's eyes and won. I only see my kids on the weekends.
That's not enough. At first filing for equitable distribution of property now thinks I owe him for the car (he let his own get reposessed despite my attempts to work out a financial plan with him) He thinks I'm not entitled to a penny of his 401k. He thinks he's entitled to my 401k that I withdrew and spent most of (on his education) before we broke up. Thinks I should pay him the half anyway. If I don't do what he says, is threatening to sue me for his court costs and might take me back to domestic relations for more child support and possibly spousal support/alimony even though he's more than capable of supporting himself.
That said I spent more than $20k on the custody battle. I still owe my lawyer $2300 that I don't have. I can't afford to pay him anymore. The money is gone. I'm unemployed and what jobs I'm able to get... when I get them... don't give me enough to cover additional legal help. Yet I'm above the poverty level.
What do I do? He's abusing me through the courts and I have no way to protect myself. How to I go back to court over what should be an easy task (equitable distribution) when I can't afford counsel? Should I suck it up and give him what he wants hoping he "lets" me on some type of payment plan? Give him money that he doesn't deserve? Or take my chances that maybe he's bluffing... and if he's not reap the consequences of possibly more costs incurred by losing the fight over legal fees?
Help. Please.
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girlmom
Bronze
Reged: 07/17/07
Posts: 30
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I would say don't buy into his threats. Then if he really does take you back to court, consider representing yourself, looking for a legal aid service in your area, or asking that he be ordered to pay your legal fees for such a frivolous lawsuit.
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KGrow
Platinum
Reged: 01/27/06
Posts: 3110
Loc: Colorado
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The way I read the original post, she's still not divorced - spent $20K loosing a custody battle and still needs to work through CS, alimony and property division.
Since you're now in a position of having less to lose than he, stonewalling is probably your best strategy. Try to get yourself back on your feet.
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Samsung
Platinum
Reged: 06/14/07
Posts: 2023
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I read some of your other posts. Although there can be special circumstances, it is RARE that a woman would not get at least shared custody. What ALL of your posts focus on, are money, money and money.....my guess is this is what you did in court. There is a poicy called "the best interest of the child," that determines who gets custody. In my state, there are 13 categories. Although too late, you should have throughly studied it, and made sure every answer and response you made, revealed a way to help the kids.
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chatter box
Platinum
Reged: 11/09/07
Posts: 1197
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[quote]I read some of your other posts. Although there can be special circumstances, it is RARE that a woman would not get at least shared custody. What ALL of your posts focus on, are money, money and money.....my guess is this is what you did in court. There is a poicy called "the best interest of the child," that determines who gets custody. In my state, there are 13 categories. Although too late, you should have throughly studied it, and made sure every answer and response you made, revealed a way to help the kids. [/quote]
I have to agree money and kids are two very different things. I won custody not not because I spent more money but because she never sepertated the two things. She had a much better lawer and paid much more also but she never let me see my daughter. Stall until you can start thinking clearly.
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Courtelise
New
Reged: 04/06/07
Posts: 15
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Thanks everyone. No I didn't focus on money in the custody case. Not at all. But I could not alter the fact that I worked weekdays and he works weekends. Even though his weekend job was new and taken specifically for this purpose, he has custody when he is off Monday through Friday. I have the kids Saturday and Sunday. Every week.
My only case was his history of alcohol abuse and his abuse toward me, but he denied the alcohol abuse, lied on an evaluation to prove his innocence and thus was not seen by the judge to be a threat. The abuse was toward me and not the kids. Therefore, he would be better for the kids M-F while I was at work rather than me having to get a sitter.
I may have been able to live with this if I didn't know deep down his motive was to hurt me and he never cared about raising the kids in the past. Never did the "dirty work." But who am I kidding... it kills me to see my kids only on the weekends whether his motives were pure or not. Meanwhile, he tells the kids I am the one who destroyed the family. Parental alienation you say? No deal... the judge didn't want to hear what the kids told me. "Hear say" she called it. I had no proof. She could care less about it.
Yes money has been an issue. I need to make a living. I need to keep afloat. He's doing everything he can to make that as hard as possible. How can we pretend money doesn't matter?
Alas, you are right... I have nothing left to lose really. All that is left is my car... which he wants money for. I'd give it all up to make him go away, but I need to drive and can't even afford a beater to get me through right now.
This has been about money for him as well. He's the one who said "I will die before I pay child support." LOL That was his reaction to me wanting a divorce. And I'm the one who cares about money?
It's hard to get over the loss of the kids. I try to remember that in divorce there has to be sacrifices. Plus I didn't lose them entirely. But it's hard to have them gone so much. It's also hard to see my daughter's school art where she draws her family... and I'm not in those pictures. That hurts. A lot.
And the judge ordered this for the man who used to berate me... scream in my face and push me around during his drunken rages that were apparently a figment of my imagination. Meanwhile, I am a bad choice for parent because I worked full time monday through Friday.
I'm at a standstill right now. Can't afford a lawyer just to get this over with. Called social services, but even on my pitance of an income and unemployment compensation, I make too much for legal aid. The best I can hope for is advice and instructions for representing myself and getting this financial disagreement settled. I don't want to stay married forever just because he wants everything and I can't afford to give it to him. Plus the law says 50/50 (or close to it). So why can't they just say you get x, y and z now leave her alone???
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doc
Platinum
Reged: 04/26/06
Posts: 584
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It's not what he thinks, but what the law says. You need to educate yourself on the law in your state re equitable distribution. Don't be bullied by this man. Let the issue of custody go for the moment. Focus on getting a fair deal from this point on. Don't make any deals with him outside the court. You'll do better with a judge's decision on distribution of marital assets than you will if you just fold to his demands. He won't get spousal support, additional child support needs a material change of circumstances and has a time frame for returning to court, and you can ask for half of his 401. For the court it is nothing but the numbers. You speak well so if you gather your wits, educate yourself on your state's marital assets law, you can go to court and represent yourself.
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taryn
Platinum
Reged: 05/31/07
Posts: 2126
Loc: Hell...but im coming back up, ...
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do you work an afternoon shift?
like 3 to 11? if not,
i was thinking if all you need was for you stbx to have the kids from after school until you get off work at 530 you could get shared parenting. i was under the impression that a few hours after school might not really make that much of a difference....
maybe split the week sat- tuesday with you tuesday to saturday with him.
your weekdays you can have a sitter or he can take them after school for a few hours.
how is just a few hours having you loose so much time?
how are you not getting a the very least 40%?
this is just heartbreaking to me.
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taryn.
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KGrow
Platinum
Reged: 01/27/06
Posts: 3110
Loc: Colorado
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Not seeing the children during the week is hard. I don't know if the kids are in school yet but when they are, having them on weekends actually may givs you more quality time than 5 weekdays.
In any case, you're better off than the "standard" every-other-weekend parenting offered to non-custodial fathers.
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taryn
Platinum
Reged: 05/31/07
Posts: 2126
Loc: Hell...but im coming back up, ...
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i recently remembered your kids are pretty little and you live a big distance from your stbx so my idea of him and you sharing the burden of after school care wont work.
Im sorry this is how it's going.
((((hugs))))
taryn.
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taryn.
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