boothby171
Platinum
Reged: 03/14/06
Posts: 1392
Loc: NY
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You may have to call his bluff.
If he doesn't agree to counsseling, then tell him he needs to (or you will) initiate divorce procedings.
And, most of all, tell him that there will be no "second chance" later on. He moves on, you move on.
Show strength. Don't beg (EVER!). And don't let him sleep in the same bed.
There have been some people posting on this site whose significant other was cheating, and denied cheating, and brought home a nice, drippy STD.
If you read through a number of the thrreads here, you will find that coming from a place of WEAKNESS never works.
And you should see a therapist on your own, anyhow, at this point. If they are anything like mine was, they'll tell you:
1) Set a decision point: buth a date, and a set of criteria that must be met.
2) Establish a reasoned response to your significant other's failure to meet that criteria.
3) If the date passes, and the criteria are not met, then implement the decision.
Whether or not you tell your husband what the date and criteria are is up to you. there is the risk of having sound like an ultimatum--mainly, because it is. Setting the date and criteria is the first hurdle--not an easy task. Implementing the response is the second challenge (one that I have not been very good at myself...long story, of course).
Best of luck.
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--Boothby
My goal: Once a day, make someone laugh so hard that their soda comes out their nose
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AmadePunkin
New
Reged: 11/17/07
Posts: 13
Loc: OH
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I am so sorry and my heart hurts for you. I was in your place, except my (first) ex started cheating on me before he informed me it was over. Time will help, and an excellent book called Uncoupling which helped me realize this is a recognized pattern among people who want a divorce; it's called having an exit affair. It provides a rationale for exploding what you thought was a good marriage: he's already moved on (your husband may not be cheating but if he wants time to himself, time for testing his options, and maybe you'll be important again later, he HAS moved on). Try to come to grips with the harsh concept of "checking out." He's checked out of the marriage, and one horse cannot pull a two-horse cart when the other horse is laying down. You are complete unto yourself. It's your party, and underneath it all, you probably don't want anyone there who doesn't want to attend. I wish I could give you more hope but it sounds like he doesn't want to be an a@!hole but that his heart is not in it anymore. You made important vows, but I think you are allowed out of them if the other person breaks them. Are you loved, honored and cherished? There are people who love, honor and cherish you; they're called family and friends. You will need to lean on them. Do. When you are so wounded, it helps to know people out there do care about you, find you worthy and want to help. You will be pleasantly surprised and heartened...and will eventually get to the point where his indifference doesn't taint 87% of your self-image.
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StillInLove
New
Reged: 11/25/07
Posts: 9
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Thanks so much for all your replies, I've been reading them all. I still struggle with coming to the acceptance phase b/c I am not one to just quit without even trying to make it work. But apparently he is. I don't even believe in divorce because I think that every marriage has problems, and running away from problems is not the answer. Did I mention that we don't fight? Well, last night I told him that if he is so sure that he wants out of this marriage then he really needs to start taking some action on it and stop keeping me in limbo - ie no more sleeping in the same bed, start the process, and also that this is it, there is no going back. He slept in a different room last night, and I will start looking for an apartment.
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AmadePunkin
New
Reged: 11/17/07
Posts: 13
Loc: OH
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BE CAREFUL about getting an apartment. I know he is not being helpful about this and you are trying to put your foot down, which is a good thing, but if you move out you lost some important legal rights. Please consult a lawyer--usually the initial consult is free, and if you have $ issues there should be a legal aid society somewhere near you. Call your local library for some resources (can you tell I am a librarian?). Please take care of yourself.
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StillInLove
New
Reged: 11/25/07
Posts: 9
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AMade, I am a librarian too! But I've always worked in special libraries never worked public (though I did volunteer for a while). That is great advice, I will have to check out some laws on divorce in my state, which I was just about to do tonight since we own a home together. Thank you all so much for your support, it does help!
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