brianj20
New
Reged: 12/25/07
Posts: 3
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I am supposed to have custody of my children ever other weekend and one evenenig per week. Recently, my 7-year old son has been refusing to come with. I usually pick them up at their mother's house and he refuses to get in or stay in the car. Often he'll scream, kick, hit, and throw things at me. His mother provides no assistance. I suspect that she encourages this but have no proof. I also have two younger daughters to deal with at the same time, so it is difficult to spend alot of time "forcing" him while outside at their mother's house. Any suggestions, advice?
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weazy1966
New
Reged: 09/26/07
Posts: 4
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I'm going to assume that you haven't been separated long and all of this is new to your kids. I went through the same thing with my 7 year old boy and also had a 4 year old girl at the time of the divorce. My boy was old enough to realize what was going on and didn't like what was happening in his world. He had a hard time accepting it and getting into a new routine. I suspect this is what your son is going through as well. In time he got used to the new routine, but it was very hard to watch him go through that phase. I kept blaming myself and trying to figure out why he wouldn't want to spend time with me. I think its just a natural thing for the kids to want to stay with mom. Most kids that age still find more comfort with their mother than their dad. Hang in there, and give him reasons to want to spend time with you. He will come around, as my son did. Now he loves to spend time with the "ole man" (he's 8 1/2 now).
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Samsung
Platinum
Reged: 06/14/07
Posts: 1874
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Children don't have the authority to refuse time with their parents. It is up to the other parent to help facilitate the exchange. If they refuse, I would consult an attorney.
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 4251
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Quick, read Divorce Poison. I got it last night and have been devouring it. It talks to EXACTLY your type of question ... how to resolve an issue where you think a kid is being encouraged to refuse visits, and is certainly not being DIScouraged from them.
THEN to find out what you should ASPIRE to, check out Mom's House/Dad's house. Another good book with some good ideas on how to wrap your mind around having two separate households.
Finally, when you have taken care of the immediate issue, Google Parental Alienation Syndrome and read up on the things that alienating parents might be doing that could cause or assist in alienation.
It's quite possible that your ex does not INTEND to alienate the kids from you, but does some thing unintentionally that allow it to happen. Things such as encouraging the child to talk about what he doesn't like about you, or maybe simply expressing approval (without words, body language is good enough within families) when he expresses anger or other negative emotions against you. And then there's the ever-present talking to her friends on the phone and THINKING that she's keeping it from the kids... kids eavesdrop... that's a fact of life, and anyone who spews venom at his or her ex to others will find it NEARLY impossible to prevent the kids from overhearing it.
If you work at it, it might be possible to resolve this before the effects are hard to reverse, but be aware that there are SOME exes who are simply not capable of getting it. These are relatively rare situations, but they do happen. Your responsibility is to figure out how YOU are going to react to WHATEVER she does, whether or not you are able to convince her to do the right thign, you figure out how to make the right thing happen from YOUR side, and recognize that you can't make her act right if she doesn't want to (or, in those rare cases, if she is simply incapable of understanding that her point of view is wrong-minded).
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memyselfandI
New
Reged: 03/11/08
Posts: 16
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I don't know how your relationship with you x or stbx is, but with me and my ex we both have decided that it is in the best interest of our daughter to try and remain friends and get along as best we can for her sake. It does take work to do this and I know from experience that sometimes this is not possible(I have another ex that just doesn't get this - it's been 10 years - we don't even talk to each other). And me and my stbx still have are not so good moments - so believe me everything is not rosey but we are doing the best we can.
My daughter talks to her dad everyday on the phone actually it is probably 3 or 4 times a day and he lives less than 1 mile away. But she doesn't want to go over his house, she is ok with him coming over to our house (which is our martial home) but she does not want to go to his house. So what I am doing is going there with her. Which actually works out well for us because 1 it makes her comfortable and 2 it makes me comfortable.
There are other issues that I can't get into but this arrangment is in her best interest. And as I stated it makes both of us comfortable. As of now it is working for us (but there is no one else involved either as neither of us are seeing anyone - so this is probably why this works for us now - it may change later only time will tell)and we still try to do things as a family unit to some extent. We all went trick or treating together and to parent teacher conferences together. And for thanksgiving she went w/ him to his mom's for the morning (they do thanksgiving dinner at 10am I don't know why but they always have) so she went there first and then came home at 3 and went with me to my families. Like I said I know this is not a solution or even a possibility for some people and it may seem a little odd but for her we try to make her life somewhat normal.
So if it is a possibility maybe you guys could try that. Oh course not for the weekend but as an icebreaker. Just last night we went over there, we ordered a pizza, ate dinner and left. Win/ Win for everyone.
Edited by memyselfandI (03/13/08 09:24 AM)
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