ADesiree
New
Reged: 01/01/08
Posts: 3
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How do you deal with in-laws who blame your abusive husband's behavior on you? Not only do I feel bullied and intimidated by my husband but now I feel the same from my in-laws. It is because of this I was finally driven to get a divorce and am in the process now. Taking abuse from my husband for so long is bad enough but when he pulled the in-laws in to hurt me it became too much. I've never been so hurt in my life.
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Nish
Platinum
Reged: 02/18/07
Posts: 1231
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Well, parents/family usually don't want to admit that their loved one is a total jerk. If they are dsyfunctional themsleves, they may just not see what the big deal is.
Regardless of whether they were loving and functional or are an older version of their son, you deal with it the same way you need to deal with your stbx. No Contact or limited contact if you have children.
You distance yourself and realize that you don't deserve their abuse anymore than you deserve his abuse. I am sorry you are getting this double whammy, but from what I have read on this forum, it happens more often than not.
You need to take care of yourself and do the things that will help you become happy and whole again. Don't allow their words or actions to cut you down further.
We oftentimes forget to stop and think about our own well being. I know I was guilty of that in my former marriage. If however you stop and ask this very simple question "If a good friend of mine, told me what I just stated was happening in my life, what would I say to them and what words of advise or wisdom would I give?"
I suspect you would tell that friend exactly what I just told you. You don't deserve it and to limit any contact with them. That you deserve to be happy, and should do what you already know you need to do.
Here is wishing you a happier 2008!
Chin up and keep posting here.
Nish
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mommy2marley
Silver
Reged: 12/31/07
Posts: 90
Loc: NC
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I'm sorry you are going through this. My ex got his abusive behavior from his father.
When I served him with an ex parte and he showed his parents the paperwork on the way to the county I moved to his dad's response was:
"this is what you get for marrying someone smart enough to fill out the paperwork" (needless to say his mom put up with it and never said anything in regards to leaving after being beaten.)
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I don't miss you, I miss the person I thought you were.
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KGrow
Platinum
Reged: 01/27/06
Posts: 3098
Loc: Colorado
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Deal with his parents the same way you deal with your husband. The apple rarely falls far from the tree.
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jersey girl
Platinum
Reged: 08/07/06
Posts: 1511
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Remember - facing the abuse means changing EVERYTHING for the abusers family. All the dysfunctions, everything. They are happier with status quo than with doing that.
Learn this word - boundaries. They will be hard fought to be put up, but once they are up, your life gets a lot saner.
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Spadea
Bronze
Reged: 12/06/07
Posts: 33
Loc: Suburb of Philly
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Sorry this is happening to you. I am dealing with a very similar scenario - on the onset - and receive almost daily phone calls from my in laws who go as far as to leave threatening voice mails on my cell phone. Just got another one from the mother in law hours ago.
I wonder if there are more drastic measures that can be taken to prevent this from taking place in the future? With children involved there has to be something that can be done in order for this harrasement to stop immediately.
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Jada
Platinum
Reged: 06/02/07
Posts: 3219
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[quote]Sorry this is happening to you. I am dealing with a very similar scenario - on the onset - and receive almost daily phone calls from my in laws who go as far as to leave threatening voice mails on my cell phone. Just got another one from the mother in law hours ago.
I wonder if there are more drastic measures that can be taken to prevent this from taking place in the future? With children involved there has to be something that can be done in order for this harrasement to stop immediately. [/quote]
If they are leaving threatening voicemail messages on your phone, you can get a restraining order against the person who is doing it. And you can use the vm as proof. Be sure to take your cell phone with you to court when you go.
When I was there to dismiss my restraining order to a consent order in family court, a person ahead of me got a restraining order after the judge listened to the message on the cell phone that she brought with her.
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mbaba07
New
Reged: 01/18/08
Posts: 20
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I have same situation. The bully was my mother-in-law & the family would do whatever she said. I tried to keep my self distant. But offence kept coming on and on. Life became difficult in her presence but I loved my husband dearly.
Now she asked my husband to divorce me ... and guess what I did get a summon yesterday.
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Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.
--John Lennon.
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OutOfControl
New
Reged: 03/04/08
Posts: 8
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[quote]How do you deal with in-laws who blame your abusive husband's behavior on you? Not only do I feel bullied and intimidated by my husband but now I feel the same from my in-laws. It is because of this I was finally driven to get a divorce and am in the process now. Taking abuse from my husband for so long is bad enough but when he pulled the in-laws in to hurt me it became too much. I've never been so hurt in my life. [/quote]
My mother in law told me I needed to work on the relationship after I asked her for help about his drug use and his affair. What a B!tch. She can rot in hell.
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gaprisoner
Silver
Reged: 07/02/07
Posts: 93
Loc: Georgia
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sorry you are dealing with this...but everyone is correct..no contact. I have a young son and still maintain no contact with stbx's mother. When I went to her for help with his sex addiction and affairs, she suggested that maybe I didn't give her son enough sex. What an idiot. She also tried to insist that our son live with her and I could visit him...she felt that if I couldn't keep her son happy, I couldn't keep my own son happy...what a biotch....
Remember this is one of the positive sides of divorce - your stbx gets his mother!!
Good luck and stay strong..
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