mommy2marley
Silver
Reged: 12/31/07
Posts: 90
Loc: NC
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feel the need to jump right back into a relationship?
I had been with my STBX for 6 years and married for almost 3. Granted I left him for some domestic reasons he tried to convince me he was going to change from Aug-almost the end of Oct. (I left at the end of July with our two year old). Then he tells me mid Nov. he's been dating someone since Oct...he spends time with her and her three year old. I went mid November for a supervised visit with my daughter and I really saw the old him...I missed him...this is when he told me about her. I think because of the time we spent together old feelings were started.....
I told him...he told me too late....and then after Christmas I found out that he had stayed over with our daughter at her place. I told him I didn't like it and he told me that he had plans to live with her sometime in 2008.
How can guys (well in this instance) say you are hard to replace, but then end up doing this?......
Sorry for the ramblings....
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I don't miss you, I miss the person I thought you were.
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Samsung
Platinum
Reged: 06/14/07
Posts: 2209
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I see both genders here jumping into other relationships either before the divorce is over, or shortly thereafter. It tells me they probably checked out on their marriage a long time ago, whether they will admit to it or not.
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kent
Platinum
Reged: 06/13/07
Posts: 2992
Loc: a melted glacier
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We never know when healing begins for someone. For many people the process begins in the actual marriage. They slowly fade. The begin the stages of grief in the marriage. So what appears to be "quick" is actually not.
Other times it is a rebound.
Other times --- they were not as connected to the ended relationship as believed.
Other times it is purely physical.
Other times it is someone is who is not as able to feel connected to another person.
Take your pick. I am sure there are countless other reasons.
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Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.
Dr. Seuss
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taryn
Platinum
Reged: 05/31/07
Posts: 2450
Loc: standing on the mountaintop! :...
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Quote:
I see both genders here jumping into other relationships either before the divorce is over, or shortly thereafter. It tells me they probably checked out on their marriage a long time ago, whether they will admit to it or not.
true.
hurtful.
and
true.
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taryn.
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mrpat
Platinum
Reged: 09/12/07
Posts: 2725
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I'm sorry for this I have lived through it first hand. What I have to say to you is somewhat odd perhaps. He is preoccupied with his new woman, this is the time to strike with the divorce proceedings, put it in overdrive while he is distracted and has a good feeling flowing. He will pay less attention to the factors in divorce and the system while he is in this euphoric state. This is the time to get things in writing and set yourself up for the life that follows. Pay no attention to what he is doing other than to see this as an opportunity to strike NOW. While I know this sounds cold I know for sure this is great advise.
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mommy2marley
Silver
Reged: 12/31/07
Posts: 90
Loc: NC
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Quote:
I'm sorry for this I have lived through it first hand. What I have to say to you is somewhat odd perhaps. He is preoccupied with his new woman, this is the time to strike with the divorce proceedings, put it in overdrive while he is distracted and has a good feeling flowing. He will pay less attention to the factors in divorce and the system while he is in this euphoric state. This is the time to get things in writing and set yourself up for the life that follows. Pay no attention to what he is doing other than to see this as an opportunity to strike NOW. While I know this sounds cold I know for sure this is great advise.
I dunno how distracted he is. He told me the other day he wishes we could be together, etc..but I hurt him too much...plus she's been through two divorces already so I'm sure she'll look at the paperwork with a fine tooth comb.
I don't want to screw him out of anything. I still love him regardless if we aren't together anymore. I'm just at the point in the grieving process that I don't want our daughter to get hurt anymore than she already has. She's only two and I can see she understands so much.
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I don't miss you, I miss the person I thought you were.
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mrpat
Platinum
Reged: 09/12/07
Posts: 2725
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Not saying your trying to screw him out of anything but it's time to think about you and your child's needs. If the OW has been through 2 divorces and is with a man going through one I'm not sure she has her eye on the ball. Take my advise for what it is............and simply that, however in divorce there comes a time when you must put you love aside as the one left behind and plan for the future. I told you this might seem odd but it is my advise to you with care and compassion. You need to move quickly and decisively in this matter for you and your child. Do you want to share your child 50/50 if so my X gets 150.00 a month. Is this the life you want, it's all up to U I just see the time is right to make sure your future is what it needs to be.
In all kindness, Pat
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mommy2marley
Silver
Reged: 12/31/07
Posts: 90
Loc: NC
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Pat I truly appreciate all the advice. 
We are working on our separation agreement right now. He'll have 5 overnight's a month and pay a little over $400 a month on child support. The court could of ordered him to pay more, but I'm going to make sure my child doesn't stay in a dump when she goes and stays with him, kwim.
We've got to work out the other things like debt, but with our daughter it was easy to figure things out.
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I don't miss you, I miss the person I thought you were.
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mrpat
Platinum
Reged: 09/12/07
Posts: 2725
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5 overnights a month require more than 400.00 a month with one child. If that is all he wants to be around for his child than he must pay more. Look to the child support calculators on the net and figure an amount more appropriate for the circumstances. You only have one chance to get this right and the time is now. You are setting yourself up to pay for all the meals and all the extras without any help. At least PM me so we can work forward in this your looking way wrong on this experience of divorce he needs to be a parent if not in the physical sense than the financial sense
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taryn
Platinum
Reged: 05/31/07
Posts: 2450
Loc: standing on the mountaintop! :...
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be VERY leary of signing anything.
he's being cooperative, because YOU are.
all it will take is one goofy thing...and bam.
cooperation over.
and...frankly that could go both ways.
stardard order is not going to give him much more than 5 overnights anyhow. your little girl is only two.
throw in a couple of few hour visits and you basically HAVE a typical senirio. (not for the parents who agree to the half and half time...but with the EOW kind of deal)
SO...you could go for state mandated CS, get more CS
and still have your baby going with him the same number of nights he agreed to.
just a thought.
i know you probably dont want to rock the boat, but
someone will at some point, so either do it yourself,
or just be ready to fight fire with fire.
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taryn.
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JustPen
Bronze
Reged: 12/05/07
Posts: 44
Loc: Pa
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I know my Ex has no capacity to be alone. She was seeing me before her first divorce papers were done. I'm pretty sure she was talking/seeing someone else before I had the curage to get out. She's had at least two relationships with almost getting married this past year and after that fell through it looks like she's got someone else on the line. Me I've got trouble getting out to meet anyone and it's been almost two years final. Everyone's different and it happens on both sides.
Pen
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 5138
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Quote:
be VERY leary of signing anything.
he's being cooperative, because YOU are.
all it will take is one goofy thing...and bam.
cooperation over.
Quote:
THIS is so true I can't possibly explain it fully. It's very common for an unreasonable stbx to find out what thier rights are, then try to convince you to do stuff without a lawyer, saying they're trying to save you both the price of a huge legal battle, and convince you that what you're doing is good for you and the child & the debt & etc. You will never know the difference if you don't find out. Some people find out years later that they got cheated during the divorce, but I've gotta say that if they didn't bother to find out the real story from a lawyer (or at least from looking up the situation in an online support calculator, for example), they've got no right to complain.
PLEASE put yours and his income and the custody arrangement into an online support calculator and see HOw much of a bargain the $400 a month is going to be for him. Nice of you to want her to live in a nice place those 5 days a month she spends with him, but the other 25-26 days a month, she has to be with you, and she should ALSO have a nice place when she's with you. Please just find out what's considered fair in your jurisdiction and have the inforamtion in your mind while you're negotiating.
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happytobdivorced
Platinum
Reged: 03/15/07
Posts: 1125
Loc: Hell, USA
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My ex did not move on-he moved his sister in with him. She stayed for 6 months. In my ex's case-he was spoiled. I did it all. He never lifted a finger. I think he is more angry that he has to do things like laundry and vacumning. Now that the sister is gone-my son says the place is a pigpen. My son does his own laundry, dishes, cooks his own food and vacumns (he is 11). I guess it is good that he does those things-but at my house he does different chores that do not include cooking his own dinner. By the way, his dinner of choice is frying french fries and making donuts!
My ex will have a hard time finding a woman who will do everything I did. He hasn't found one yet and I have been praying hard for a year that he would.
And by the way, my ex never admitted or acknowledged that I would be hard to replace-if he had we might not be divorced.
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Message for my ex "I think you know by now, I'm not the person I used to be"
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