hardhurt
Platinum
Reged: 01/26/07
Posts: 998
Loc: NJ
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Quote:
This is the man who was always keeping at arm's length, even after 4 dates.
4 dates??? what exactly is it that you think you are breaking up??? a friendship????
just keep your distance, dont go out on anymore dates..and if he asks tell him the ttruth ( to what ever he asks)
OR....nah never mind  lol
hugs
andy
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"The only worthwhile accomplishments...are victories we win over ourselves"
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Cindy B
Platinum
Reged: 12/17/06
Posts: 3152
Loc: TX
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Well, it isn't exactly "breaking up" Andy. But it was too much time spent with each other for me to just totally ignore his email. We were friends at any rate. I just wanted to tell him nicely that I would not be going out with him again, because I couldn't think of any other reason he would be emailing me.
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"To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance"
- Oscar Wilde
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 4846
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This is one of the few areas where I kind of disagree with Mari. I only listed reasons when I was confronted by someone who was tenacious & didn't take no for an answer... otherwise, I didn't explain anything other than that the relationship was not right for me at the moment (and if there was another man on the scene, that this was the reason).
I came to this decision after reading a number of explanations of how lots of people think women prefer bad boys... because whenever we break up with ANY boy, we start out with some version of, "you're a really nice guy, but..." suggesting that we don't want to DATE the NICE guys, just the bad ones. It's not true. the truth is usually that the guy we're talking to is not as nice as we want for ourselves, but we're all full of trying to spare their feelings and boost their ego and make ourselves feel better for being so nice about the breakup & not "hurting" them.
A breakup is a breakup & no number of "you're a nice guy, but..."s will change that.
Though Mari's open position on explaining her expectations in bed is admirable (and probably quite effective).
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Cindy B
Platinum
Reged: 12/17/06
Posts: 3152
Loc: TX
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Good points, Gigi. I'm sure if I was on the other side of this thing, no amount of you're a nice woman but ... would keep me from feeling rejection. Well, it's over now, and while I don't like the way it unfolded exactly, it's a done deal. One of the drawbacks of playing the field, I suppose.
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"To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance"
- Oscar Wilde
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Sarah1014
Platinum
Reged: 04/12/07
Posts: 2224
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Yeah, that field stuff can be hard. I once texted a guy (who was tenacious) and we were already on furlough, "I'm dating someone else and am happy. Good luck to you.
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 4846
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You did as well as you couldu at the time and have the good sense to review it so that you will do it differently next time. I am embarassed to admit how MANY errors I made in telling too much, allowing things to hang on too long, lying to spare someone's feelings, etc., etc... before I came to these conclusions. Part of it was that my in person divorce support group did not address moving on/dating issues at all. And my in person support group, except for the time I was moderating, we were all mostly at the same point in our divorces... pretty darned fresh. Except for the moderators, we had no one to talk to who had been in the world without thier partner for more than a year or two post-divorce (and even the ones who were more than a year post-divorce, well, they were AT teh group because it still felt fresh for them). this online thing with all the extended and varied experiences of the people here is a great resource.
I kind of wish I'd had it... it might not have taken me a whole decade post-divorce to figure out some of this stuff so that I coudl properly move on!
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MarMcMar
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 1581
Loc: Western New York
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Sometimes it's absolutely mutual. I once went on a date (hooked up on POF) and the minute he showed up I think we both realized we were a mismatch. That was only confirmed as the date unfolded.
I didn't really feel like being the one to say it, but later the next day, he e-mailed me: "I don't think you and I are a match, from my perspective anyways, and as you know, the reasons for these things can't be explained. One of things I have always disliked about dating is the fact that we will be hurt and we will also probably disappoint or hurt others along the way. I wish you the best of luck, and I want you to know that I think you are terrific and someone will be very fortunate to find you. Your Friend, Garry. "
The funny thing is, he didn't realize I totally didn't dig him or maybe he did. Either way, I was glad he shut the door. In some cases I'd rather receive the "Dear John" letter than send it. It actually hurt less than me sending it.
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The sweetest thing you'll ever see in the whole wide world is a happy girl.
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