hispoohbear
Bronze
Reged: 05/21/07
Posts: 47
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Do you ever feel like you can't do things for just your child? I have a 9 year old stepdaughter that I have been in her life since she was 3 days old. My husband and I have a 3 year old daughter together. I feel like I can't do anything for just my child. A silly example, I've been wanting to get her name tattooed on me (small, tasteful, blah, blah, blah) but feel like I can't because that would hurt SD's feelings. There are lots of little things also, like having to contribute the exact same amounts to college funds, and spend about the same amount at CHristmas, even though SD gets twice as many presents as my daughter. Am I trying to hard? Am I being silly? It doesn't help my feelings that whenever there is an issue, I get the she's not your "real" daughter (even from my husband). That makes me feel like I shouldn;t even try to consider SD's feelings, since apparently, since she's not my kid, I shouldn't care.
Anyway, do you ever so things for only your "real" kids (god I hate that saying)? How do you feel when you do? How do your "fake" kids feel when you do?
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lisssa
New
Reged: 09/17/07
Posts: 8
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I understand your frustration, I have a 10 year old daughter and SO has 3 children. I've noticed most advice on this forum regarding step parenting is "Its not your place, you have no legal rights, etc." However the reality is you have no say in anything regarding the step kids but you are ridiculed by the other parent for doing anything for your kids that you don't do for the step kids. I'm in a situation everytime I do anything with my daughter the step kids mother is calling and telling us everything is so unfair. Here is the reality: Stepkids go to Disneyworld for vacation for good grades every quarter, my daughter doesn't because I can't afford to take 4 kids and it wouldn't be fair to the step kids if I didn't take them. Step kids get to go shopping with their mom and buy new clothes or toys whatever, if I buy my daughter clothes again another phone call about it not being fair. Part of the problem is my daughter's father is not involved in any way other then a phone call maybe twice a year, I am the only provider for her so I have no choice but to buy her more clothes then the other kids. I understand kids won't understand that but you would think the other parent would and would try to help their kids understand that not everybody gets exactly the same things all the time. The fact is they all probably end up having the same amounts of clothes and toys, theirs is just at 2 homes instead of 1. Its all very frustrating, no matter what you do someone will feel like they aren't treated fairly. If you or someone else has any advice to offer it would be greatly appreciated.
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mayday
Silver
Reged: 05/14/07
Posts: 98
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It is a good question, but it has no real answer and the kids know this. The kids know who the real parents are and who the other people we are not their parents. There are some kids have been broght up that STUFF matters Children no mater weather divorce is part of there life or not Kids want to be bought nice things and to taken to Disnland.
My SO Son just has a B-day and his mom took him out to buy him a flat screen TV, dinner out and a trip to Best-by The son stayed with his mom insted of comming for visitiation with his dad, His dad could only afford an par of pants and 1 shirt whee would you want to go.
You have to do what is best For YOUR Child Teach yor child that there is more to life that STUFF that PEOPLE is what Matter most and you wont go wrong.
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golightly
Gold
Reged: 04/10/07
Posts: 141
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This is such a difficult dilemna. I've got a 16 yr old SS who used to just visit, but has lived with us full time since June. His mom is getting divorced from Stepdad and has become a physical, financial and emotional disaster zone. She has in essence dropped out of his life except for the maybe monthly phone call just to let him know that soon she will likely be either homeless or dead. We've got a 2 yr old and a 3 yr old. All of our kids (bio and step) are privileged, but my 2 SS's were spoiled beyond belief for 5 yrs by their step dad. You would think the age difference between my step and bio kids would preclude any conflict, but no such luck. SS is bitter about things like, say, having had to go to day care while my kids get to stay home with a baby sitter. (Of course he doesn't understand that his mom only worked part time, and my work schedule won't allow for typical day care hours). A couple things I have learned from my half siblings and my step kids:
1) There will ALWAYS be comparisons, jealousy, hurt feelings etc... The best you can do is to treat each kid as part of the family with as much warmth and love as you can muster.
2) Kids often will focus on just the "he got more than me" feature. My stepson hones in on some of this stuff, but then won't acknowledge that our toddlers have chores. They must pick up their toys, put their trash in the bin, and help empty the dishwasher. They also "help" with laundry, dusting, vaccuuming and mopping. In summer they help weed the garden, rake leaves, sweep the deck, etc. These are all things my SS was never required to do or taught, and won't be caught dead doing now. They are bein graised under a different parenting philosophy.
3) This is what surprised me the most, and makes me try to be sensitive: Even though a 16 year old is almost an adult, he is a child at heart. Don't expect your older child not to be a child, with a naturally childish sensitivity/ outlook. It always hurts to see someone you hoped was your equal (your "sister") get something you didn't. That's not to say you can't do things just for your child, but make sure you explain your perspective to the step. For instance: "Your mom sometimes buys you clothes, and doesn't buy any for your half sister."
ALSO - personally I could not commit to a man with kids unless I could also commit to his children. I know every situation/ individual is different, but I look upon my SS's as my kids, my family. I am committed to always providing a warm and comfortable home for them to visit or stay in, pay for their education etc... I don't think a tattoo of only the bio kid's name is appropriate. (If you want to get it just for yourself in a place no one will ever see until both girls are adults, fine, but otherwise why throw it in this child's face that she is "other"? If you must get a tattoo, what about two flowers or two hearts, one for each of them. Think how much that might mean to her?
And stop listening to the exes complaining. Try practicing some responses such as - "It only bothers her because you have taught her that it should." Or, "I'll send you a list of my kids sizes, for the next time you buy your daughter new clothing." It's an emotional trap to feel beholden to someone else as to how you should run your family.
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 5052
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I'm trying to understand the tattoo thing. Though I wouldn't want to do that to my body, I realize that it's quite the fad now, and someone might want to memorialize their commitment to each other with a tattoo. But since it's clear that you've been committed to being a stepmother ever since that child was 3 days old, why are you wanting to honor your bio child and not your step with a tattoo? it would seem to me that a tattoo with both sisters' names on it would be in order. I mean, I kno wyou did not have part in naming the step, but that does not mean she doesn't deserve that permanent commitment in your heart and on your body.
On the times she has with her mother that end up with her "getting" more than your child does, the trick is to make your bio child's time with you special... when the step leaves, the fun is not OVER... the fun BEGINS. Maybe Christmas presents are opened when the step is there, so that part is over, but what says you can't have a special time with your bio daughter at that point... bake cookies or make a special dinner together... go volunteer or go out skating... take in a movie or go to the zoo... whatever would make THAT part of christmas special to your child now that the step is gone & having fun with her mother!
If the only special times in your family are times when the step kid is present, and the whole family gears down hwen the setp leaves, then I would certainly understant that the bio kid is getting the shaft... but since both her parents are under teh same roof, you don't have to do extra to make up for the fact that her parents are split.
Some of the differences in STUFF THEY GET will be age-appropriate. If your bio kid got an Xbox from you & the step got an iPod video from you & a Wii from her mother, and the kids were the same ages, tehn yep, teh bio kid would natrually feel gypped. One of the advantages taht kids of divorce get (and take advantage of) is taht their parents try to buy thier affections, and if money is no object, it will just escalate over time. Bio kids don't and shouldn't get that... but obviously, if you knew that the other kid was getting a Wii at Mom's house, it might be nice to figure out how to give iPods to both kids at your house as individual gifts and just get a wii for the bunch of you as a group gift (yep, it's more expensive, but if you want to make things equal, you've got to spend more, as if you were separated and both parents were bribing the bio kid as well as both step's parents seem to be bribing her). But in your case, the age difference will make it easier. If you put as much in her college account now, recognize taht your bio chid has longer till she GETS to college, so that $500 in it now for her will be a whole lot more when she gets there than teh $500 now will mean to the stepkid when SHE goes to school, much sooner.
And also recognize that when the step kid graduates & child support is no longer an issue, you'll have all that extra left to lavish on your bio kid, at a time when she'll be old enough to really appreciate the extra money spent on her. Not that you'll need to... you'll probably need to start putting away for retirement, but at that point there will be no ability to point at the other and say that you're spending more on the older one, since the older one will be OUT.
you might want to have a talk with your husband about what the expetations will be once the kids are out of high school, how much you will pay for each one's college (in today's dollars) and weddings & such, and whether or not your'e going to be taking the kids in after their high school, providing ongoing costs of living for htier lifestyles even if they don't get going... are you goign to kick them out of the nest or are you going to be the type of parents who take them back in & let them become dependent as adults? And how much will you give for those other things... weddings, college, house down payments (if you want to go there), etc?
But otherwise, and other than the tattoo thing, I'd certainly relax about this, not feel guilty about having fun with your bio kid when teh step is with her mother, and even plan special fun times to have with the bio kid so that those times are as special as the times the step is having with her mother.
But for sure, your 3 year old will not know or care whether or not you spent dollar for dollar, as much on her barbie or bicycle as you spent on the older one's iPod or cellphone plan.
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chatter box
Platinum
Reged: 11/09/07
Posts: 1237
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I would say it would be completly normal feelings and it is hard. Just shows your a good step parent and parent.
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hispoohbear
Bronze
Reged: 05/21/07
Posts: 47
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With the tattoo thing, I wouldn't get one where my SD could see with only my bio on it. I know it would be hurtful. But that doesn't change me wanting to, even if you guys are the only ones who know that :). My point with that was more of is it normal to feel like I just want a "normal" family and that I want to just acknowledge that I truly only have one daughter. I guess I never would out loud.
I think my problem is right now I am struggling with a lot of things and need somewhere to vent to people who I feel will give my good solid advice without being judged. I have always had good luck with that here. My best friend is moving away and I just need someone to talk to. I feel like my husabnd doesn't understand how I feel. He has the best of all worlds it seems. I mean, all the kids under his roof are "his". He never has to see things from my point of view as a stepmother, a second choice. He gets to have two kids of his own, I apparently only get one.
Anyway, I will continue to try to keep things "fair" while step is here, but make an effort to make my free time with my bio special too, so it doesn't seem like our lives revolve around the times when step is here.
THanks everyone.
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kota1967
Platinum
Reged: 01/26/06
Posts: 1480
Loc: New England
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his: I know how you feel...my husband and I do not have any kids together...he has 4 of his own and I have 3 of my own...he has a 14 year old and is his youngest...his bio mother left many moons ago...my husband spoils the shit out of him to make up for the mother leaving...yes screwed up but true...my kids have me and their dad equally involved...they go back and forth between us but I have sold physical custody...my husband and my SS resent my kids in "thier" home...my kids get the short end of the stick in everything...and I mean everything...my SS is the golden child in this house...he has no rules and can come and go as he pleases and has to share nothing...my kids on the other hand are treated like unwanted guests...anything I do for them I have to do on my own...I take them on vacation with just me...I buy all of their gifts...all of their rewards and their treats come from me...they ask all the time why my SS gets so much for doing so little and everything the get they have to "earn"...I tell them because I am your parent and that is how I raise my kids...to respect what they get and to appreciate it...my SS appreciates and respects nothing especially me in his life...so I backed off a long time ago and focus on my kids and only my kids and I leave my SS to my husband to deal with...and my life is easier and less complicated...(:
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Hendrix
New
Reged: 06/03/08
Posts: 1
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It is just a fact that if there are disparites in income, each household will function differently when it comes to certain things. My husband and I are in a similar situation, except in reverse. He has two children with his ex, I have one. We don't any have together. My hubby pays 60% of his net pay to his ex. I make a very good living, and pretty much pay almost all of the household expenses. I love his children and would do anything for them if the need arose. We see them one or two night per month because the ex moved a cple of hours away. When we do have them, I feel what is most important is that they spend that time with their dad. They go to the park, visit his grandma, or just stay at our place playing. After all, that is what the time should be about.
However, if you compare the day to day lifestyles of my child and his, the differences are apparent. My son wears designer clothes and sneakers; they wear hand me downs. We take my son on vacation with us every year. My son has every game system known to man. I put 500 in his college fund monthly. Weekends are spent at various museums, events etc in NYC which aren't cheap.
My step children's lives are quite different as their mom doesn't work, so they live on CS. Innocently they have stated that mommy didn't have money for this or that and although I hate to hear it, that is just the way it is. But as long as all are loved, they will be ok.
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germangirl631
Platinum
Reged: 04/04/08
Posts: 1043
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Does your SD live with your or only visit? I had 3 step children (all in their 20's now), and they lived with me during their teen years for about 5 years before I had my bio son. So, they grew to be like my children. I had nothing else to compare it to.
I think they do not have the same attachment to me since I was more of a caregiver to them. I think they were afraid to get close and get hurt by me the way their bio mom hurt them. (very long story) By the time I had bio son, there was only one step child living at home, and she was 17. So, there wasn't a lot of time for me to have to do things special for my bio vs step kids.
The only one who actually seems like my child now is the youngest girl. We have a good relationship. She comes to me for advice. We visit with each other. However, it's all very strained right now with the divorce. I'm waiting to see how it all pans out since technically, I will have no real/legal ties to them after the D.
Of course you should care about your SD. She is your husband's flesh and blood! Part of it is up to her to include you in her life, and part of it is you wanting to be a part of her life. As long as your husband isn't upset by the kind of relationship you and SD have, I think whatever it is is fine.
As for the tattoo, if you're getting it where no one can see it, why worry about it?? If no one knows (and they'll only know if you tell them) it shouldn't be an issue.
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