What will I lose
Platinum
Reged: 05/21/07
Posts: 737
Loc: PA
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My wife's been disabled more than 1/2 our marriage. Basically i guess it's just a pain all through her body and her foot. I cant tell you what is wrong, no one knows. But I've taken her to many doctors near and far and she wont get better. But what kills me is her poor attitude and unwillingness to even try things. Until recently i did 100% of everything but now that i said i may not want to stay married, she does some things like call the DR for prescriptions and maybe empties the dishwasher. What really gets me is that when she is sleeping she gets all pissy that i may want to go out and have lunch etc with a friend. I take care of her at home but she resents my able bodiedness i guess. I also feel if she can do what she is doing now, why didnt she do it all these years when she was admittedly in better health? So makes me wonder if ive been a sucker.
Basically i feel bad for her and pity her. I do wonder where she will wind up if i leave. She cannot stay here in this house alone, it's logistically impossible as she is totally dependent on someone and there is literally no one around to help her.
So what keeps me here is the pity, the guilt and the likelihood of paying permanent alimony. But i'm to the point where im ready to take a dip and ask what she would want if we split. Obviously this will really upset her and i dont know the outcome. But i feel that i need to know where i stand and this is the only way to do it. I'm pretty sure there is no way she will ever voluntarily leave here. I do too much for her and i hate to say it like this but if i was really mean, i could pretty much do anything i wanted here and i dont think she would leave. I treat her too well.
So my feeling is i dont have the right reasons to stay here but yet i feel bad about leaving her all helpless.
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call me WWIL...PA resident 39 year old , married 11 years, together 12...splitting in 13th year.
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HardKnox
Platinum
Reged: 06/13/07
Posts: 2728
Loc: Wisconsin
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This is a horrible situation to be in. I was in a similar situation, except in my case the Xs disability was primarily, but not exclusively, psychiatric. I can tell you that I hung on out of guilt and pity and I probably even got married in the first place out of guilt and pity and the desire to "help someone in need". I can also tell you this for sure.
It doesn't work.
In time, your pity will turn to resentment. It might even turn into anger. It will lead to your own deterioration and self-destruction. And I'm going to tell you something right here and now that might make every person on this forum hate my guts and I don't care.
Get out. Get out and save yourself while you still can.
You might find out what a cold-hearted [censored] you can become once the cloud of the relationship has been lifted. I know it surprises me how very little I actually care about what happens to my X. I believe she will ultimately become one of the "bag-ladies" with $350K in the bank (my retirement savings). I hung on FOUR YEARS TOO LONG. Four WASTED YEARS.
I finally had no more years to waste.
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golightly
Gold
Reged: 04/10/07
Posts: 141
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Guilt and pity are not reasons to stay.
If she is not willing to make an attempt at a joyous and prodcutive (within her limitations) life, then she has broken part of the vows she made to you. (I know most people don't promise to try to maintain a happy outlook on life, and share the domestic burden explicitly, but I like to think it's implicit in the "marriage contract"). I know upholding a commitment is important, but there are times when it is appropriate to break said commitment.
Yes, you may be financialy responsible for her for a long period, but so what. Is any price truly worth your soul? Besides, your leaving may be the biggest favor to her in a strange way - might be the catalyst she needs to get a life. Or to getting in touch with long lost family members, or ....
Good Luck
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MommaMia
Platinum
Reged: 02/17/07
Posts: 376
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I agree. Get out now. I also stayed longer out of guilt and pity.
Listen. Take the next step and move forward. I remember a similar post from you a while back. Time is moving forward but your life is not. See a lawyer, talk with your ex about seriously splitting up, don't give her false hope and string her along. It is best to rip it off like a band-aid because she will only make you feel more pity for her.
Good luck.
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What will I lose
Platinum
Reged: 05/21/07
Posts: 737
Loc: PA
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Yes i'm definitely not moving forward. Im very stuck. I guess it is false hope as i treat her mostly well. though obviously i've been snippy here or there but still wait on her and do all around the house. She's given me a half hearted statement she will try to quit smoking but i told her a long time ago i'm not cleaning the living room until you do. So 11 years of smoke on the walls. Nice reminder. This is just a small part of the problem but i do figure if she doesnt want to take care of herself and try to get better (all doctors said and she agrees that she cant heal while she is a diabetic smoker), why should i care?
Unfortunately i dont think i can get over worrying about where she will end up. No way can we/I afford a home for her and i doubt she would go anyway.
The lawyer told me i can pretty much count on permanent alimony but i hope i can keep the amount down or negotiate more pension away or something.
can i buy life insurance on her if we are divorced? She always says her family dies young and I think i read on another board that you can somehow insure your ex legally.
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call me WWIL...PA resident 39 year old , married 11 years, together 12...splitting in 13th year.
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What will I lose
Platinum
Reged: 05/21/07
Posts: 737
Loc: PA
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I forgot to mention one thing. She forgets when it's time to put on her pain patches. Disregarding all other issues that is the one i cannot understand. If you are in level 8 pain 100% of the time wouldnt you anticipate when you can put on your next patch?
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call me WWIL...PA resident 39 year old , married 11 years, together 12...splitting in 13th year.
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jbar
Platinum
Reged: 12/16/06
Posts: 1006
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I know that some may say that you married her "for better or worse" and that you have an obligation to her--and they have a point. Others, like the above posters, say you have a right to a life. I think the correct approach is to be frank with her and to explain that, while you love her, the only thing that would permit you to live as a man again would be for her to receive the aid she needs from others, as it is too depressing to you, disconcerting, and uses just too much of your time.
It is one thing when someone files a no-fault divorce because they have met another person and therefore wants to "ditch" a perfectly healthy mate. It is another thing when they want out of a marriage to avoid a lifetime of slavery to someone as a provider of support, nursing and care--in return for basically nothing. The solution may lay in the grounds provided for divorce by state law for situations like yours, which may be much kinder to you than normal "no-fault" grounds are in regard to alimony. In any case, your alimony should be no greater than that which would have been "minimal" if she were not disabled which, if she worked before her disability developed, may be virtually zero. If this turns out to be true, then Social Security should take care of her care thru early medicare if she has any significant assets after the divorce, and SSI should do it if she does not have assets. You have to find a very good lawyer, who is familiar both with family law and Social Security regs.
Edited by jbar (01/10/08 02:57 AM)
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What will I lose
Platinum
Reged: 05/21/07
Posts: 737
Loc: PA
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[quote]
It is one thing when someone files a no-fault divorce because they have met another person and therefore wants to "ditch" a perfectly healthy mate. It is another thing when they want out of a marriage to avoid a lifetime of slavery to someone as a provider of support, nursing and care--in return for basically nothing. The solution may lay in the grounds provided for divorce by state law for situations like yours, which may be much kinder to you than normal "no-fault" grounds are in regard to alimony. In any case, your alimony should be no greater than that which would have been "minimal" if she were not disabled which, if she worked before her disability developed, may be virtually zero. If this turns out to be true, then Social Security should take care of her care thru early medicare if she has any significant assets after the divorce, and SSI should do it if she does not have assets. You have to find a very good lawyer, who is familiar both with family law and Social Security regs. [/quote]
she has virtually zero assets to her sole name. certainly it's less than 10K in retirement and other investments. Then there is splitting up a lump sum award but even if she gets that all it's only 20K.
YOU are the first person I remember saying anything to me about SSI. (apologies if someone else did). I totally forgot she was denied because my income was too high but did get SSD . I wonder if i can figure out how much her SSI would have been or find the 5 year old letter lol. She gets like 775 now in SSD. Is that any indicator of SSI and what that would be?
Your info about SSI has given me the hope i've needed not to come out of this much poorer than the 1K alimony the atty i saw said i'd owe at a minimum. We loved the soc sec atty we had for the first round of appeals but sounds like if she has no income she would be automatically approved for SSI!
you made my day
I'm not 'happy' about the divorce i assure you but i thought she would be destitute and i felt bad and this gives me hope i can leave her in good conscience
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call me WWIL...PA resident 39 year old , married 11 years, together 12...splitting in 13th year.
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mistake#2
Platinum
Reged: 07/19/06
Posts: 3212
Loc: Florida
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Why would you ask about getting life insurance on her?
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jbar
Platinum
Reged: 12/16/06
Posts: 1006
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Glad if I have helped. If there is still the problem of lifetime alimony, even given the circumstances, then I would consider moving to a state with no alimony or very limited alimony available. In Texas the maximum term of alimony is three years, although there is an exception to this if the alimony is ordered based on disability:
http://www.houstondivorce.com/post-divorce-alimony.html
The disability must be proven by a documented, sincere job hunt, which was fruitless. If she can work, at even a part-time job, Social Security might permit her the additional income and the total may mean she would not qualify for alimony. Check with them.
Ideally you could find an even better jurisdiction for this purpose than Texas, but this example shows that there is a variation in state laws that you could use to your advantage. Given the fall of the dollar, establishing foreign residency could even be considered, even if you were paid in local currency. Surely you could arrange to suddenly find yourself offered that "dream job" (at least that is what you refer to it as being with your wife) in such a jurisdiction. After establishing residency, you could file for divorce!
Edited by jbar (01/11/08 09:02 PM)
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