gigi
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Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 4790
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Dont' try to talk her out of seeing a lawyer, because that tends to get people's suspicions up ... especially even if not her suspicions, her MOTHER's, and it seems she'll follow her motehr's advice. I had a friend whose stbx did that and the parents pointed her to the most expensive, nastiest lawyer in town, and his divorce has turned into world war three, with more than half their assets going to legal fees and the kids witnessing the mother (and mother's parents) assaulting the father. It's been nasty. And because HE had thought to save them money and suggest that they try to get a settlement themselves without lawyers, when the mother was all angry and pointing the wife to an expensive lawyer.
Bottom line with THAT friend (a neighbor)?... he's THRILLED to be getting the divorce, even though he's living on less, they lost the house, the kids only see him half the time... because he no longer has to support her while she sits home and whines about her migraines... he no longer has to worry that while she's bored at home, she'll be running off to have an affair with a co-worker (she supposedly DOES work, she just begs out of her shifts most fo the time, not telling HIM that she begged out of the shift, but rather playing hookey so she could go to the boyfriend's house).
I'm not kidding, for all They've lost, he's still young enough to recover before retirement, and so is she, if she's smart (which we all realize now that she is not, she was the classic trophy wife bimbo and the only reason she EVER looked like she knew what she was doing was that she would follow his lead on things and he'd cover for her & stuff... now that she's been on her own for almost a year, we're all astounded at the stuff she does, how stupid she is financially is one thing, but she's JUST as stupid socially, which most of the neighbors think is odd, becasue we always figured women to be more socially astute then men, in general, but this woman... GEE... she's alienated all the men, all the women, the teachers, the coaches.... pretty much everyone but her mom & dad, and even her Mom called her a nasty name when there was a pregnancy scare with the new boyfriend.)
I remember at the start of my own divorce, being mostly TERRIFIED that there was no way I'd be able to make ends meet on just my own salary, being upset at knowing that I'd have to sell the house (because I DID love it, it was my dream house with a pool and a lake and room for kids and the perfect little suburb with the best school district in the area)... I was sure that even WITHOUT lawyer's fees, I'd be ruined. And when I ended up leaving the marriage with less STUFF (savings, equity, car, etc., didin't add up to what I had owned before marriage)... I was SURE I'd made the biggest mistake of my life... in MARRYING him, not in DIVORCING him.
At some point, the decision to divorce brings the recognition that your tenuous hold on your finances will be worse for a while, and that's not good... but LATER comes the realization that EVEN after losing half of everything you own and EVEN if you have to keep paying part of your salary to support her for a while... EVEN with all that, you realize you're better off, you're in control of whatever of your own finances are left, you can choose to eat rice & beans if you prefer, or get a smaller car, or sell the house & move into an apartment. You can CHOOSE whether to put extra $$ towards the mortgage or shuffle it off into an IRA or start a college fund for the kids (this principle doesn't just hold for YOU, but it's kind of universal... I know YOU don't have kids)... It's your choice what you do, and when you get to the place where you KNOW what's goign to be left after the dust settles, it's comforting, even if less, to know what you've got to work with and to know it's all YOURS to work with!
You'll be fine. It's a good thing she showed her true colors before you let this go on for ANOTHER 10 years, 20 or more... and truly, did you envision living like this, in a stale smoke, caretaker role for another 20 or 30 years?
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What will I lose
Platinum
Reged: 05/21/07
Posts: 705
Loc: PA
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[quote]
You'll be fine. It's a good thing she showed her true colors before you let this go on for ANOTHER 10 years, 20 or more... and truly, did you envision living like this, in a stale smoke, caretaker role for another 20 or 30 years? [/quote]
every friend i talked to always asked those questions. Are you happy now? do you think you will be happy next year? And after i told my one friend i couldnt say D last night she told me she was sick over it. That i was self destructive.
I have no idea how the finances will shake out but at this moment she doesnt seem vindictive...at 'this' moment that is. And fact is if she is sharing a trailer with someone her expenses will be low. And i told her to get applying for SSI too but i guess she cant do that until we are legally divorced so she will have 'no income'.
i do feel better but i still feel like &&&&. I mean, she doesnt know the basic things about banking anymore and also she just told me she fell again this morning right into some electronics equipment we have on the floor. It's just sad and i hate it.
She apologized 100x about the transferring of money behind my back but admitted theres nothing she can do to take it back or correct it. She is really 'into' some aspects of this thought, i'm shocked she has a place to stay and even is thinking about some stuff now.
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call me WWIL...PA resident 39 year old , married 11 years, together 12...splitting in 13th year.
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 4790
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Funny how quickly someone can find stuff like food, shelter, support, when they need to. She'll be fine.
THe fact that you couldnt' say the D word is not horrible. Your ex was challenging you to say a really nasty word straight to her face when you were prepared to try to be nice to her, and you've not really faced teh fact that this is a DIVORCE. We have such an emotional attachment to that WORD. The face is that you have determined for your own sanity that you have to live separate and apart from her, without letting her suck the life out of your finances or future, and that if you do, maybe she'll start to stand on her own two feet... and that is what "divorce" is defined as in your situation... it does NOT require that you say the word, but that you have the intentions. The word scares a lot of people, and it will come to you eventually. As it did for you when you saw the vindictive thing she's done... it doesn't matter that she would return the money if she could (like why CAN"T she? Has she SPENT it already?)... but the fact tha this was her reaction to knowing there was trouble in the marrige... not to try to do as you've been asking her to do, but rather to try ot take money from your ability to access it... that's just NASTY. And of course you were able to say the word after she did that.
It'll get easier. The word is really NOT as magic, it does not hold any magic curse or anything.
And as for her telling you about falling... you've got to steele yourself for it to become more frequent. Even if she does NOT fall more frequently, she seems to think that being pathetic is what will hold onto you, so she'll become as pathetic as humanly possible to tug your conscience into wanting to stay and help her. It's a nasty, underhanded tactic, but she's been doing it for a long time so expect it to just get worse.
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What will I lose
Platinum
Reged: 05/21/07
Posts: 705
Loc: PA
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ok this is bizarre...yesterday she called me later in the day (i dont call her during my lunch anymore) and said she dropped a cig ash and it burnt my universal remote control. I've seen her fall zzz with a cig in her hand before but to have it fall on the remote just seems kinda fishy after all these years
oh and get this. the other day she said keep her atm card so i can buy her cigs when i need to (boy was i tempted to get 15000 from the atm lol) but last night she cried and said she wants it back because she may forget to get it back later on and she may tell her mom that she did when she didnt. I said why dont you stand up to your mom? she said she cant stand up to anyone.
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call me WWIL...PA resident 39 year old , married 11 years, together 12...splitting in 13th year.
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What will I lose
Platinum
Reged: 05/21/07
Posts: 705
Loc: PA
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wow..today i'm going thru drawers with papers and cards etc. She said how is this so ez for you do you realize you will never see me after i move out of here? I said i may, you dont know. (shes moving back home 4 hours away).
she then said i can come out for a booty call. She didnt laugh or anything but i said are you serious? she said yes.
sooo what is she trying to do? prolong being here? get me out there?
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call me WWIL...PA resident 39 year old , married 11 years, together 12...splitting in 13th year.
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 4790
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Tell her that the feeling for a booty call or missing her MAY come back after you get over her refusal to TRY to stop smoking to the extent that she ruined the remote control, after you get over $15K missing from the bank account, after you get over her absolute refusal to do anything for herself and demanded that you be her caregiver.
Tell her that after the two fo you are apart for a while and she works on her issues FOR HERSELF and not for you, because the time to do it for you is over... then maybe the two of you will find your way back to each other, but for not, she has wrung every bit of emotion out of you and it's going to take a while of you paying attention to your own needs (and not hers) before it comes back.
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What will I lose
Platinum
Reged: 05/21/07
Posts: 705
Loc: PA
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what an interesting comment she made this afternoon. We were talking about our cat and she said she isnt leaving here until he dies or we put him to sleep.
now last year he was really sick and is still way to thin, but in most respects he seems healthy to me. But i'm sure last year if we didnt pay the 1500 to the vet, he would have died. But anyhow, i just thought it was bizarre of her to say. Plus then later i found out if she moved in with her sis, cant take the cat but if moves in with her brother she could.
BUT she believes that he wouldnt make the 4 hour drive even with the vets pill they give out. So i'm sure she sees that drive as his death as well.
What sucks is , without her here, he'd be alone all day and he's so used to her and hated when she went away and barely ate. So this is like no win and i hate it
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call me WWIL...PA resident 39 year old , married 11 years, together 12...splitting in 13th year.
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 4790
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As much as I love animals, that's a ridiculous excuse. Tell her that you'll deliver the cat to her when she moves, or call her brother and arrange for yourself to bring the cat to him, or see if there's a neighbor or vet who can help. People who are as bad off as the two of you are don't stay together even for the sake of their own children, and a cat who may or may not be sick and may or may not like their new home and who she IMAGINES might not handle a 4 hour drive (so stop several times if it's so distressing to the cat), good grief.
She's going to try every trick in the book. Talk to Kent. His ex is the QUEEN of trying every trick in the book... or ... well, I think HK, who's ex is trying every trick in the book and is succeeding from time to time.
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What will I lose
Platinum
Reged: 05/21/07
Posts: 705
Loc: PA
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I guess in all this i have to remember i had a year to think about and process it and she was 1 year in denial that i threatened to leave. So she is going thru it all now.
But as i went thru drawers full of papers to sort things out(geez what crap i save lol) , she asked if i was trying to hurry her out. I said well i'm trying to help you and plus all this has to be gone thru anyway and doing it for the entire house will take a long time. Yea i should have said yes i'm hurrying you but i didnt.
She said she wasnt even seeing what i was tossing out and i assured her it was just old papers that needed shredded years ago. I do have a pile of her stuff sitting there on the floor for her to go thru and as she saw some old anniversary cards she started crying. But i didnt toss any of her stuff out. But i bet when she starts going thru it she wishes i did because of the memories. Then she said about going thru pics. Fact is we have a scanner and if she really wants them i'll just scan the ones in i want. I'm only gonna fight about whatis really important to me..house/pension/alimony.
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call me WWIL...PA resident 39 year old , married 11 years, together 12...splitting in 13th year.
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What will I lose
Platinum
Reged: 05/21/07
Posts: 705
Loc: PA
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well I tried talking about the house but she didnt want to. Instead she wound up talking about 'how can you stop loving someone etc'
so I told her she is a miserable person to be around, unsociable, hates people, is super depressed and the biggest thing was as much as she purports to have tried her best, i told her ok, then let me tell you i tried my best too. So now you know where i'm coming from
Also if you recall she told me last week she told me 2x that she didnt try harder because she never thought I"d leave. Well now she says she said that to try to keep me and would say anything to try to keep me...
I couldnt sleep so went back out and talked to her around 11pm and said do you want me out of this house to punish me or do you just want X amount of money? she said she goes back and forth between those decision. I said you know i have almost no money left after fixed costs here and if you take all your 15K and use it to get an atty to fight things, you will lose that money because he will suck it up. I said its best to get to the point where we agree on X and dont on Y then you can go get atty. She thought i kept telling her to not get atty. no! But if she wants to go that way, she can get her own, wheel to him herself and pay all the bills that come along with it. Sure will be fun trying to see how she does all this. I agreed to get her whatever paperwork i have on stuff because she knows nothing. But i think it's evident that her staying her just wont work out because i'll be pissed about the house/alimony and pension. She wanted me to go to the store for her cookies yesterdya and i said no you can go with me someday and get them. I knew she wasnt happy about that. If she will force sale of the devalued house, i wont make her life at home any easier, thats for sure. But we arent quite at that point yet. But why make her life better now if she is planning my demise? just cant do that and if she is looking out for her, i'm looking out for me
i think she appreciated the hug last night though. Maybe that will count for something
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call me WWIL...PA resident 39 year old , married 11 years, together 12...splitting in 13th year.
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