What will I lose
Platinum
Reged: 05/21/07
Posts: 737
Loc: PA
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amazing...i told her i'm telling my mom this weekend and all she worries about is how ill make her look bad. She then said she wanted to go along. Um NO! Then she said i didnt encourage her enough and i never said kind words to her. Even if true, which we know it wasnt in the earlier years, i still did everything from a humanitarian perspective like making all appts, doing all housework and taking care of 99.9 percent of daily life activities for her. She seems to forget that.
also i think SHE should want to get better and not need me to help it.
oh well if it helps justify things to her she can think that way. i sure dont care what her mom thinks. At least she is finally getting calls from siblings so maybe she will get closer to her family. heck one may even come visit after 12 years of NOT visiting.
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call me WWIL...PA resident 39 year old , married 11 years, together 12...splitting in 13th year.
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What will I lose
Platinum
Reged: 05/21/07
Posts: 737
Loc: PA
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you may have seen my other question about my grandmothers stuff. My wife said it was all marital stuff and i think we all know it's not.
but now my wife says she wants to see my mom one more time. I dont get what that is for and while yes they always got along, if i tell my mom that my wife thinks she can get my grandmothers stuff, my mom will flip and not want to see her. So on the one hand i think i owe it to my mom to tell her how my wife is acting but on the other, i sorta want to give my wife one last visit. But then i think it can only end badly....i just dont know
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call me WWIL...PA resident 39 year old , married 11 years, together 12...splitting in 13th year.
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What will I lose
Platinum
Reged: 05/21/07
Posts: 737
Loc: PA
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ugh she's been pressing me big time for the REASON i'm getting a divorce...wasnt happy with any of my answers before now. So i said i dont want to be mean but i cant see myself growing old with you and being happy. She seemed to accept that answer . She also said she wish it just would be something like i fell in love with another woman, she could handle that. I assured her my plan was to be alone, i'm not leaving her for another woman. I just didnt have the heart to tell her when i was alone when she was away i felt so much relieve of stress.
she also stated 'before this is all over, i have to get mad at you otherwise i'll never be able to leave'
so is this her going thru normal processing and justification. I can deal with that because i do believe part of the D process is for me to help her as much as i can. Trying to be a good hubby to the end
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call me WWIL...PA resident 39 year old , married 11 years, together 12...splitting in 13th year.
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boyzmom
Bronze
Reged: 03/26/08
Posts: 25
Loc: UT
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IMHO first step, move out. Then have the divorce papers served. You've communicated fairly clearly and by continuing to "talk" you're going to make the process harder on both of you - you'll feel awful, you'll have regrets, she'll believe you'll change your mind. Talk to an attorney about the money issue. My ex was very controlling and I finally learned to hang up on him if the call had nothing to do with arranging visitation with the children. Yes, having attorneys involved can be scary, but it also means that you don't have to deal directly with the other person and it helps considerably to keep the emotion to a manageable level. Keep seeing your counselor - you're going to need it. Good luck to you.
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What will I lose
Platinum
Reged: 05/21/07
Posts: 737
Loc: PA
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well in the quest to be mean, i did something so terrible...i dont know if she will recover from it
she asked me when the next scheduled trip to the casinos was and i told her sunday, so she said she wanted to go. This was after canceling the past 6 months! So i said sure but we split the food etc and just gamble with our own money. Well as luck would have it, she lost and i won. Came home with more than 1 billable atty hour more than i went down with. So it was a very profitable weekend for me and she was thrilled to go back one last time
except she asked to go again next month...now i didnt tell her the room is reserved for the day of our anniversary..and i dont think i'd be lucky 2 x in a row so i wont really wanna go back in May. I just told her it depends out things go with the D.
Also we had secks 2 times the past week so i dont think that is being mean is it? And she got in the hot tub for the 1st time in 2 years!
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call me WWIL...PA resident 39 year old , married 11 years, together 12...splitting in 13th year.
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HardKnox
Platinum
Reged: 06/13/07
Posts: 2728
Loc: Wisconsin
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[quote]Also we had secks 2 times the past week so i dont think that is being mean is it? [/quote]
YOU HAD SECKS TWO TIMES IN THE PAST WEEK?
I haven't had any secks in two frappin' YEARS.
WWIL, do you think your STBX is trying to get you BACK?
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What will I lose
Platinum
Reged: 05/21/07
Posts: 737
Loc: PA
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[quote][quote]Also we had secks 2 times the past week so i dont think that is being mean is it? [/quote]
YOU HAD SECKS TWO TIMES IN THE PAST WEEK?
I haven't had any secks in two frappin' YEARS.
WWIL, do you think your STBX is trying to get you BACK? [/quote]
well it was the 1st time this year and i cant remember when before then...i'm guessing spring...no idea..memory fades..could be 2006.
1st time was she had a heck of a time falling asleep and when she went to bed at 4am i heard her and went over to cuddle and make her feel better and it just happened. 2nd time was out in the hot tub...i guess her not being in in 2 years she didnt mind trying. Still hurt her but she did enjoy. And she still do this day asks if i'm gonna drive 4 hours for a booty call.
dont know if she's trying to get me back or not...smoking only in the kitchen, putting away dishes, and now this, could be interpreted as such. or she just loves and and will miss me and is trying to be 'good' until the end? We will never know the real reason. I know she tosses out 'lines' like 'it will suck being in the trailer with her sis and bf' and 'i guess i'll wind up in a crappy place like on tv' etc and maybe is trying to guilt me into staying. like last night she thought a girl was cute and i said yea and that was it..but then she said 5 min later why havent you said i'm cute for the past few years?
i didnt have the heart to say that with her attitude in life no one could find that the least bit attractive so i tried just avoiding the issue.
HK i thought you were finding a gf? I asked in the other thread about the HR girl :) etc. ( i know you cant date her now but thought maybe one of the other hotties would hit you up now)
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call me WWIL...PA resident 39 year old , married 11 years, together 12...splitting in 13th year.
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ILMom
Gold
Reged: 12/03/07
Posts: 108
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This is the first time I read your thread. I totally understand your desire to stop the role of caretaker. I felt that way with my drug addict ex. He pulled the same crap on me "Don't you love me? What about in sickness and in health? I can't get better without you..." Blah blah blah blah blah. (6 years of addiction and I gave him hundreds of second chances, rehab, private counseling, etc. It was all BS and his attempt to string me along.)
You really need to separate yourself from her emotionally and physically. It's time she did everything for herself. She'll figure out how to get from here to there. Part of that is ditching the secks (LOL took me a second to figure out what your were writing). She is trying to use that as one more hook to get you to stay with her and is trying to strengthen the bond. Al-Anon taught me about the need to compassionately detach oneself from the addict. You are not being cruel to her but you do need to set boundaries. Honestly bud, you aren't doing such a good job on the boundaries front.
Keep posting. I'm interested in your story and how things go for you.
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What will I lose
Platinum
Reged: 05/21/07
Posts: 737
Loc: PA
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well started going thru most stuff yesterday and then later on asked me for a small bureau of my grandmothers and i said no..then she said she just wanted one little thing and would fight dirty and ask for more stuff since all acquired during marriage is joint. I said oh i thought you werent going to demand my grandmothers things. Then she thought over it a bit and called a truce...no doubt because she wanted to order out pizza and not have a miserable night of me ignoring her. So she knows she has to keep me 'happy' or it will be a miserable few months here. And she still has places she wants me to take her and i wouldnt do that if she got all pissy.
She continues to smoke only in the kitchen but i see her falling asleep in there and almost burning her nightgown but what can i do? Her atty came to the house and picked up her check the other day so hopefully this will move along quickly.
I think she was in a really dejected mood that day too..make this all 'real'
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call me WWIL...PA resident 39 year old , married 11 years, together 12...splitting in 13th year.
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What will I lose
Platinum
Reged: 05/21/07
Posts: 737
Loc: PA
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welp i signed today and it will be delivered next week restricted mail to the PO and ill have to take her to pick it up.
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call me WWIL...PA resident 39 year old , married 11 years, together 12...splitting in 13th year.
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