foundintx
Bronze
Reged: 10/23/07
Posts: 27
Loc: Texas
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I had not been back to read on this forum for a while but I came today and I am very happy to see that others can relate and gain strength from seeing that they are not alone in thier situations and that we can do this!
My updates are bittersweet. We had an emergency court date on the 14th of November, where he was demanding the vehicle and a laptop. When the day actually arrived, he backed down and was ready to settle. Nothing actually happened that day because he did not have proof of insurance to take possession of the vehicle.
We expected to have paperwork from his lawyer fairly quickly, but nothing came. We had another court date scheduled for the 26th so we did nothing until the court date. When we arrived for court he was ready to make final agreements. I ended up agreeing to give him the vehicle that he wrecked(but is paid in full) and he agreed to let me keep everything else including 401K, houses, other vehicle, etc... so the property stuff is settled.
HE expressed interest in visitation so the judge says he is the father and has never physically hurt the baby, so he gets to try. Since she is so young, he will not get overnight. He will get 1st, 3rd, and 5th saturday and Sunday from 10 am to 3 pm. I think that he may try to do this for a little while, but not for very long.. he is too selfish and has never had to keep her for for 5 hours in a row before. He may take her to his mom's but she can't do it for him all the time.. i am hoping he fades away from responsiblity as he always has.
the other thing that I agreed to was that he would not have to pay child support for 12 months, then standard child support rules would apply. We agreed to this because he would not agree to property division otherwise. He has another child from a previous relationship and made no effor to pay child support to see that child so past behavior tells me that he won't pay anyway but i want to have it in place for future because it is his responsibility to help take care of her.
If all goes well, the final decree can go into effect on Dec 18th!!
For me it is now time for healing. I go through phases where I can't believe I allowed myself to be treated this way, and the enormity of it all overwhelms me. there are periods where i feel lonely and sad for the loss of the dream of a family that he made me believe he also wanted. I blame myself for getting caught in his web of lies, I hate that I was weak and manipulated.
I joined a divorce Care support group through a local church which is helping, but I recently met a lady who referred me to a local women's shelter that offers individual and group counseling sessions for free. I have an appointment for an incoming interview on Dec 3rd. I really believe that I will benefit from being able to talk through the things that happened with others that can relate and help. They also say they can help you cope with having to interact with him because of the visitation.
I gauge my day in moments. I have moments of sad, moments of happy, moments of overwhelmed, moments of reflection. I will come through this stronger and wiser.
I am so blessed to have a beautiful child that gives me all the strength I need to do what is right for the both of us. These hard times will pass and life will only get better and better.
:)
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wifey118
New
Reged: 01/16/08
Posts: 16
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Girlyou are definitely not crazy. I know the drill. I was crazy. We have had similar situations. I was just naive enough to not only stay after the first incident where I needed medical care but I married this two of these types of men. Please go with your gut feeling your instinct your common sense and please leave now. It sounds like your parents are supportive. My mom sent me back , told me it was my fault and my dad encouraged my husband to put his foot down. I am now deeper emotionally and the second baby on the way. I feel very foolish and I now have a tremendous amount of healing to do, scared to death and very alone, lost a lot of friends and family support because I chose him. Wish i'd left when I was stronger , now it's one hour at a time. please cut it off now. you'll be ok, the baby will be okay, what we think we need sometimes is just ia so far from what's best for us and our children. Part of my problem was my committment to the marriage itself, my faith, my vows, but i'm waking up. do i care for him, yes. am i in love with him ,yes. but in loving him ,there's no room for me to love myself. once again get out now, no one deserves the disrespect, the abuse, the mistreatment and the children deserve good ,safe, nurturing parenting. I am also new to this site, just yesterday and it's been very helpful, welcome aboard to us both,
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wifey118
New
Reged: 01/16/08
Posts: 16
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you mentioned appt to see the baby, what kind of visitaion arrangements do you have , i'm still trying to figure that part out and be safe at the same time. I really don't want to see him and he uses that to keep control, could use YOUR advice on this one.
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wifey118
New
Reged: 01/16/08
Posts: 16
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hi i just got to your last post, you're my hero.
no but seriously, you've come so far. your nut sounds just like mine, i'm thinking he'll repeat past behavior also and i just don't see him caring for a demanding 1 yr old and newborn for very long also. i still worry of who he'll leave them with in trying to prove a point. i'm even willing to say no child support or anything if he relinquishes pall parental rights. it's just nota good look even if something were to happen to me , I would not want him to raise the kids. he has 3 others, 9-7-4, the 9yr he hasn't seen since infancy,possibly forbidden to, would love to talk to her, the 7 sees often, mother is still his doormat and the 4 rarely. itseems as though he will not see or have a relationship with his children unless the mother allows him to do whatever he wants, also the 7 yr is the only one he pays no support to and she allows the whenever and short notice pick ups. she also allows him to spend the night and does his papers(correspondence course) for him. but i wasthe one he would wait for in the driveway at 2am w/ the 7 yr old in the car w/ him just to use her to get me to let him in. i don't want him doing the same with our children when he gets into another relationship. and remember their 1 and newborn. i guess i need to start w/ a lawyer, my money is very tight right now, i was left with all the bills . do they take payments, does anyone know? and please don't say legal aid i tried forever to get an appt before they dont even return the call
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foundintx
Bronze
Reged: 10/23/07
Posts: 27
Loc: Texas
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I am still here and still alive!
Things have been up and down, but I have been able to hold strong to my convictions.
I was able to take a nice break for Christmas and visit my family for 10 days. I had to come back on the 28th becasue he technically had visitation scheduled for that weekend, but I knew he was not going to show up...
Unfortunately, the final divorce decree proposal that my lawyer sent to his lawyer has my new phone numbers listed, and I received an unexpected/unwanted phone call on the 29th(I do not have caller Id at home and did not realize he had the number)
Before I knew what was happening, I was defending myself and caught up in a conversation where everything was my fault again.. I was crying and trying to explain things that should not even matter anymore... I initially agreed in the conversation to let him come over on the 1st and see the baby, but as soon as I got off the phone I felt just terrible and I knew that I had to get myself straightened out...
I took a day talked to some friends for supprt, then sent him a message indicating that we have an agreement in place for visitation and that I prefer to follow the rules.
He was not happy about that and tried to call me, and send me e-mails. I ignored all.
He then decided to finally show up for visitation the next Saturday which was his scheduled day. He showed up early, tried his hardest to make lighthearted conversation with me and be friendly. I was very happy that I was able to maintain composure and stick to serious conversation about relevant inforamtion like what time are you bringing her back... He said he'd bring her back at 2.. and maybe a little earlier than that.. he is supposed to get her until 3.
At 1 pm my cell phone started ringing and the first 3 words out of his mouth were "where are you".. what the hell! He was bringing her back extra early... I told hime that i would be home as soon as possible and he would have to wait for me. He arrived at my house at 1:20 and I arrived at 1:25. he told me that he could not come on Sunday because he had to work and then grumbled about having to pay someone to take his shift today and that he could not afford to be doing that... i said... ok, see you later.
The next week he starts mailing me more trying to make himself look good.. telling me how is is going to graduate, and get a job, etc...
if he is, good, but how is it that he did not have a job one day while we were together or make progress toward graduating and all of a sudden he is accomplishing things...
he still sends me messages trying to get response, and there have been several times where I feel very weak and lonely and I have the strongest urge to call him or talk to him, but I stop myself... .
I have a final court data scheduled for the 29th where my lawyer says we can do the final prove out of the divorce decree
I think he is trying to see if he can get to me before then to see if he can still stop things..
I am just working hard right now to stay strong and not speak to him.
I am working on Boundaries in counseling, and I think I am also now ready to participate in some group counseling to help me get through this final push to the divorce being final.
:)
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foundintx
Bronze
Reged: 10/23/07
Posts: 27
Loc: Texas
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Hello Everyone! I have such happy news today. He signed the Final Decree papers!
I go to court tomorrow to do the final prove up in front of the judge. It is funny how I thought that I would never get here. I felt myself wavering every time he tried to talk to me or remind me of the good parts of him.
I also thought that once I completed the divorce, that everything would be easier. I now realize that the actual divorce is not the hardest part. the hardest part is that I will still have to deal with him.
I have been working hard to make myself stronger and I know that things are only getting better for my daughter and myself.
:)
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Nish
Platinum
Reged: 02/18/07
Posts: 1305
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Foundintx,
What great news. I am sure you are feeling relieved that as far as the divorce goes, he isn't going to stall things and it will be final!
It is very true that as long as you have a child together, that you will need to be connected to some degree. Just continue doing your best to keep it all about her and don't allow him to waltz down memory lane or demand to know what you are doing.
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