Chrissyswifey
New
Reged: 02/03/08
Posts: 7
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This problem seems to be getting worse not only is she trying constantly to cause an argument she is trying to brain wash her daughter with ill thoughts of her father and us. Every other month she is trying to get my husband back. But once she found out he has remarried she has caused more issues with everyone. We just recently put both of the girls in dance. And the payment comes from us to the dance school. Well every event that is happening will be on our weekend. But against my husbands wishes I have invited via- email everyone who is important to the girls to attend. Well recently she personally attacked me accusing me of mistreating her child and repeatedly saying over and over that its her child when never once have i acted or tried to take her place. All i have done is treat her as if she was my own. This has been very frustrating for myself and my husband. SHe is constantly arguing wiht him and now me.. I dont know how to deal with this.. We have been married for a year and it has goten increasingly worse. I really need some advice out there from someone who has experience oris going through this,. I feel as if i have lost my mind.. She has used her daughter to go over to MY in laws to get inforamtion. But nothing from anyone. Now she is putting pictures of herself and my husbands wedding pictures in her childs room. I truly think that is sick. HELPP!!!!
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chatter box
Platinum
Reged: 11/09/07
Posts: 1228
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I am sorry you are going through all of this. I know it is hard, my wife has to deal with my X and I am so proud of her for the way she handles it. You can't take it personal you have to realize that your better than that for not doing something that you will regreat. The kids will remember it later and respect you more for it. One things we did before we got married (both had kids) was take a class offered by a church in step-parenting. The two day class helped both of us better understand each other and how to deal with both of our extra baggage.
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faith4two
Platinum
Reged: 11/11/07
Posts: 353
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Okay, I might be avoiding the topic at hand as far as the effort by the X to stir the pot. However, I will say that putting up pics of the X in the child's room is NOT sick. Perhaps the selection of which one to put up is a calculated thing which sends the wrong message.
One of the things I learned in an orientation class for the county to conduct a social study is that when they do a home visit, they will actually LOOK to see if the child has pics of the other parent in his/her room. The non-present parent is STILL the child's parent, and someone for the child to love/remember/cherish during separation/divorce. Not encouraging that relationship, at least in the context of a social study, is considered a negative. Don't ask me how, but it shows a non-willingness to co-parent.
One of the three pics in the daughter's room at my home is a family pic - not because I want to give her some kind of false hope, but because it's a lovely pic of the three of us. My hopes are that she realizes that I do NOT have an issue with him in the context of parenting. I would hope that someday, during an event where she should be proud of herself (as was the case in the pic I selected) that we can all three be in a picture together to celebrate her accomplishment.
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Chrissyswifey
New
Reged: 02/03/08
Posts: 7
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I wouldnt mind.. but its a wedding picture. Beore the child was born. It wouldnt bother me if it was the three of them. So she would know they ALL love her. But i feel it is confusing for her to see married pictures not family pictures in her room. I have tried to have a civil relationship with her mother and understand and dont want to be friends. But for the sake of my husabnds child have desperately tried to be the bigger person but being positive and tell her how much i like her mother and encourage her on every visit to speak well of both. Every time we get her for about 2 hours she goes through all the things "my mommy says". And she always looks worried if her mother was around and is afraid to show affection to either of us. In my mind and my husbands she is trying to give false hope and hoping to drive me out which will never happen. We just recently explained to her mother that I am in both their lives no matter what and clearly i am good to her daughter because she doesnt say other wise. I just get so upset that she is trying to manipulate a 3 year old into hateful thoughts. And cause friction when all i am trying to do, as a mother, is to include her in my step daughters life even on our time. which is a constant fight with her to share any information that my husband would enjoy participating in. I just want what is best and i feel no matter what it will always be an argument and the child will be hurt in the end. I dont understand why she treats me as if I was the one that swooped in and stole her husband. I just feel hopeless and that our lives will be filled with anguish. It is on a daily basis, I hate to see either my husband or my step daughter hurt by all this.
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boothby171
Platinum
Reged: 03/14/06
Posts: 1392
Loc: NY
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Is this reasonabe?
Tell her that you assume her goal, as wll as your goal and your husband's goal, is for their daughter ( your stepdaughter) to grow up to have a NORMAL, wonderful life. If that is to be the case, then sooner or later she will have no choice but to wonder why her "natural" mother acted in such an angry and divisive way (fill in your own details here, obviously).
Unless, of course, your husband's EX's intent is for the daughter to grow up with a poor sense of what is real, and what love means, in which case she is well on her way.
Or something like that. Appeal to the EX's future self; appeal to your step-daughter's adult health.
Probably too idealistic an approach--I don't have any real experience in these matters.
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--Boothby
My goal: Once a day, make someone laugh so hard that their soda comes out their nose
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Chrissyswifey
New
Reged: 02/03/08
Posts: 7
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I wish that was reasonable. But you cant reason with someone who has none. We are affraid she is just continueing the cycle with her daugher. She grew up the same way and her mother did the same thing she is doing to her own child. As a parent isnt it a goal to end the cycle with one self and not let our own child experience the wrongs we have? Hopefully her duaghter will be different because she has her father and us to show a normal life as much as possible of positive and loving home. Its like talking to a wall when my husband has tried to explain our gaols and our worries. All we get is back lash and her pointing the finger. Thats why I am here.. I have been so depressed of the past couple of days..and i am glad to have great suggestions and advice.
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 5042
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I can offer support but no suggestions. I am in hte same boat. Married for long enough that the ex has decided I'm the devil and is working to convince the children of this as well. They know better, but her leaps of logic are not as obvious to a child as they would be to an adult who had more understanding of the way the rest of the world works.
Best I can say most times is "congradulations, you've managed to give a snow job to a 14 year old and a couple of neighbor friends who have to live next to you and don't really want to hear the WHOLE story."... but of course I don't say it, I just think it.
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Chrissyswifey
New
Reged: 02/03/08
Posts: 7
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So does anyone think i should continue to inform her of activities that she has on our weekends or just not say anything. I am not sure what to do anymore.
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 5042
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I stay back, let my husband do ALL the dealing with her (heck, I MAKE him do all the dealing with her, not like he wants to figure it out, talk to her, or have to do it)... but he is the one who married her way back when, and pro-created with her, so there is no reason I have to deal with her when she's unreasonable.
If I were you, I'd tell my husband that I'm not informing the woman of the kid's activities any more, and if he wants to, he can, and otherwise she can figure it out from ... well, she can talk to the kdis or contact the teachers or whatever, IF she cares to go to the stuff that you are doing with them that she didn't put them into immediately, herself.
And I guess it doesnt' seem like too much of a choice, to me. I mean, when you DID tell her, she went nutso, so ... it would seem NOT telling her would be your only option. And if she dares complain, the response is, "well, you went nutso when I did tell you, so I stopped telling you about it. If you wanted to know, you'd ask, but rathe rthan make you furious again, which you should know hurts the girls, I just stopped."
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Chrissyswifey
New
Reged: 02/03/08
Posts: 7
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Excellent .. thank you so much. we will do think just so hard to think what is morally right and what isnt. But that is a great idea. We will just stop informing her of these things. Seeing as how we are paying for evrything.. and she did make the comment to their dance teacher that she wants all the supplies and we are to receive the bills. Lovely.. which wont be the case cause its our name on the checks and we will be receiving the supplies. I will just try harder to ignore and deal with her crazy antics and outburts. No matter how much we want for my step daughter to have a normal and loving life from both ends we can not control her actions and theres no ways she will be able to control ours. Just hope that she will see the harm day of her mothers actions or hope that she stops for her own daughters sake.
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