gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 5042
|
|
A day or so ago someone recommended a book I want to get. I forgot to write it down and don't remember the thread. Something like Divorce Poison, but my memory could be wrong.
The idea was how to deal with alienating parents, and that sometimes it's necessary to break the silence with the kids about the other parent if the other parent is spewing venom about you on a regular basis. I know there has to be some way to counteract this rather than simply keepign quiet when they say something really wrong about us and hoping that our better example of life will eventually prove out to them that maybe they should have watched and learned more from us... but I'm really against saying anything directly that will say that the other parent is wrong about something.
So I'm dying to read this book and see what they say about HOW to bring up certain things and defend against other wrong impressions that the alienating parent is regularly feeding to them.
But now I don't remember the name of the book.
And if someone remembers it's name/author, do you also know whether it's available in a regular bookstore or is this the type of book I'd have to buy online?
Thanks for anyone who remembers.
|
overwhelmed
Platinum
Reged: 10/13/06
Posts: 1186
|
|
It was Divorce Poison and it's on page 4 of the thread about "we'll make great co-parents but" posted by faith4two (i think that was the name). She had a couple of other books on there too.
|
Sarah1014
Platinum
Reged: 04/12/07
Posts: 2268
|
|
Re: We'll make great co-parents, but.... [Re: Jada]
#174297 - 01/28/08 09:41 PM (66.169.163.142)
Edit post Edit Reply to this post Reply Reply to this post Quote Quick Reply Quick Reply
Andie, you have made a tremendous sacrifice as a primary caregiver. There is no argument from anyone here that you know what is best for your child within the context of court appointed decision makers - judges, attorneys, social workers, etc. None of them will ever express the passion you will regarding your child. Trying to beat that is going to hurt you more than help you.
The best analogy I can give you is that you are standing in line with a paper slip with a number at a meat counter. When your number comes up, it's called, and it's business based on general principle, not on your passionate approach to parenting. Before you get a chance to breathe deeply and make the attempt to show that passion, you will likely hear "NEXT!"
They've seen it all. They've heard it all. Your child is just one of thousands.
What you will get by holding on too tight to the title of "Primary Caregiver" is a rude awakening that you will be labeled as the less cooperative co-parent. Unless there is abuse or endangerment involved, the legal system just doesn't care.
So where does that leave you? Same place you are today: Facing a choice to make lemonade out of lemons.
In case you haven't noticed, your child was communicating with her body language long before she uttered her first word. They KNOW how to speak in that fashion. What they do NOT know at three is how to wrap the words around what is going on in their little heads.
You, unfortunately, are way past being three years old, and have a life experience which makes it oh, so easy to label it for them. Whatever you do, resist the urge to react to something you haven't yet taken the time to work with them to develop - a vocabulary which includes "scared", "angry", "upset", "hurt", "concerned", "frustrated".
When she started speaking she started with a few words, and the rest have developed over a period of time. Similarly, a vocabulary of expressing feelings using names to identify them must be developed. Until that investment is made, a single negative behavioral reaction could mean ANY or ALL of the ones listed and really have no bearing on who is better for her and in what role. You each have strengths and weaknesses. She needs to understand those, on her own terms, and on her own timetable.
I'm eight months past the day I separated from my STBX. The first three months were HELL. My normally well-adjusted six year old threw temper tantrums that made the terrible twos look like a cake walk in comparison. It was uni-directional at times, and bi-directional toward both Dad and I at others. She didn't have the insight to our relationship that we do, the one that led to our split, and she certainly didn't have the skills to TELL us what was going on in her head.
We are still working on this. And one negative behavioral response is NOT grounds for making a blanket decision about what's in the child's best interests for the future. It is, however, a means of justifying what YOU think is best, based on what YOU have been exposed to in YOUR lifetime. She hasn't been given ample opportunity to adjust, and it's not going to happen with a weekend "test" as you have proposed.
Do a little more homework, and THEN reassess what you've read in this thread. Read "Breakthrough Parenting", "Mom's House, Dad's House", "Joint Custody with a Jerk", and "Divorce Poison."
And remember, while you may not SAY or even recognize how emotionally draining this is to you, your body language speaks for you, and is the ONE method that we under- or over-estimate when it comes to what we, much less our children are going through.
There's a lot of wisdom here, from people who have already crossed that bridge, dug in their heels, and have been handed a situation that wasn't what they expected. As such, they're trying to tell you to slow down and rethink.
Time spent with the child isn't what makes you a better parent. It's what you make of it.
|
gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 5042
|
|
Thanks everyone. Picked it up at Barnes & Noble this evening. so far, it seems to have some interesting ideas.
|
faith4two
Platinum
Reged: 11/11/07
Posts: 353
|
|
Gigi, they ARE interesting ideas. And the hard part is figuring out from the child's response, IF s/he is actually being actively alienated, and to what extent (bashing, badmouthing or brainwashing). Hearing your child say things such as "Dad says <insert negative comment about Mom>" is alarming, and during the time of divorce when you're already on pins and needles, it helps to be able to scope the level of the offense.
Furthermore, there are cases where a targeted parent, by his/her behavior is actually responsible for the alienation. I would have never considered that as a trigger for a child to turn against a parent.
I'm on my second read of the book, as is my partner, each of us with different colored highlighters so that we can come back and discuss HOW to handle the various things we encounter with my daughter.
I HIGHLY recommend the book, if for no other reason but to be able to assess the child's behavior toward [you] the alienated parent. In other words, involving a professional to assess the child's behavior, when the child displays affectionate behavior (as mine does, in spite of the fact that we hear that she's not supposed to "like" me and/or my partner), well, it's NOT considered the severest form of alienation. However, the tips and "Take Action" sections of the book have provided us various techniques to work with her... one step at a time.
|
|
Previous
Index
Next
Threaded
Edit
Reply
Quote
