starjazz
New
Reged: 09/18/07
Posts: 2
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After 2 1/2 years of trying to get my divorce finalized it will all be over on Tuesday. About 3 weeks ago I moved an hour away from my daughter's father so that I could go to school. My daughter and I moved in with my boyfriend whom I have been seeing for a little over a year. My ex hasn't made an issue of it and did not bring it up in the divorce. However, last weekend when my 4 year old came home from his house she immediately said that her dad told her not to like Tony (my boyfriend, whom she has always gotten along so well with)and that she didn't like living with me. Her exact words were: "Daddy says I don't like Tony and he is yucky..... Daddy says I don't like living here with you.......Your stupid and when I go to my daddy's house I'm not coming back." SHe has never EVER said anything like that to me. It breaks my heart. I know this is all very wierd for her and it will take some time for her to really get adjusted. But everything was fine the week before. After she was home, it took a good 3 days to get her back to her normal happy self again. She also started saying very negative things like "this is stupid..." or "I HATE this stupid park...." These are words I have always not allowed because of their strong negativity. Now she frowns all the time and says that she doesn't want me and that daddy says she should live with him. I would never say anything bad about him to her because I know how much she adores her father. But what can I do to get my baby back? I miss the child she used to be? Am I doing something wrong? I am much stricter than her father and I don't let her do, eat or say whatever she wants. I don't spoil her with stuff or allow her to talk back to me. I try to be the positive, yet firm and structured parent that I think she needs, but it seems to be backfiring on me because I get all the hate HE induces. Please, I need some kind of advice. Should I get her into counseling? SHould I let her grow out of it? What do I do?!!!
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chatter box
Platinum
Reged: 11/09/07
Posts: 1146
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How old is your daughter. It is very hard to find counciling for kids under 6 and almost impossible for kids under 5. The younger they are the more sessions it takes for them to become comfertable with a stranger. six weeks once a week at $120 plus just to open the door. But it can be worth it.
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faith4two
Platinum
Reged: 11/11/07
Posts: 350
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2.5 years to get finalized? OUCH!
I'm newer to the fun and games of divorce, and I deal with the "Daddy says...." statements, too. Sounds like Dad bit his toungue and followed the advice of the attorney to "take the high road" during the proceedings, but now that things are final, all bets are off.
Part of me believes that once that innocence is taken with that type of thing, it is going to be impossible to reclaim. I find myself restating the behavioral expectations at MY house after each visit with Dad. It's fairly effective, and helps to explain that different people are going to have different expectations of her as she grows older.
There are things that YOU can do to allow her the opportunity to express her negative feelings appropriately without dismissing the validity of them. She might not have the words to wrap around her feelings, but that is a role where you can assist in putting names to them, just like you taught words like cup, fork and spoon!
I recommend a book "How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk." Authors are Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. We can't forget that kids are human, too, need to identify their emotions. It doesn't happen by accident.
With or without counseling for either of you, acknowledge that there is always an opportunity for Mom to grow, too. :)
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mag
Silver
Reged: 07/20/06
Posts: 50
Loc: Texas
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I have the opposite problem. My children live with their mother and she bad mouths me in front of the kids. They come to my house saying that their mom said I am doing wrong. I don't say one word about their mother. I just let them be kids. It seems hard for me because they're with their mother every night and i'm afraid they won't want to come see me because of all the negativity their mom is putting in their heads. What can I do?
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