taryn
Platinum
Reged: 05/31/07
Posts: 2126
Loc: Hell...but im coming back up, ...
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after reading these posts and the advice i feel even MORE sure i will Never ever consider dating or remarrying.
this is the drama i got out of.
my kids already feel rejected and replaced by their dad,
if somehow, they felt that way at MY home due to
another guy...
well, i dont think they could take it.
and for that matter,
two of my kids have SUCH trust issues...
they will actually EXPECT rejection so they
will act out SO badly at first.
a guy will Really have to be committed as
they will test, retest, and test again before they can
relax and start to trust a guy not to leave them.
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taryn.
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WolRon
Platinum
Reged: 01/16/08
Posts: 255
Loc: MN, USA
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"Lets see, your new husband belittles them (that is what making fun of them is), yells at them and makes them feel bad.
My advice, end the marriage.
No way would I subject my kids to that kind of psychological abuse."
Don't listen to Jada. She's completely biased against men and won't give them a chance. She's also way too close-minded about 'the other side of the story'.
Also, it saddens me that so many 'advisers' on here throw out the big D card right away. That's a last resort only.
Please don't give up on your marriage because of this. EVERY parent has a hard time allowing their kids being disciplined or spoken badly of by someone else. This is normal for a parent (both you and your husband). You guys really have to try to stop looking at the kids as MY kids and HIS/HER kids. That will tear you apart. Look at Kota's situation.
One girlfriend I was dating had 4 children. I have 2. After dating awhile, I was told by my ex that my kids informed her that they felt I was treating my gf's kids better/differently than I was treating them (my own). I never felt that I was treating any of the kids differently, but everyone has their own opinion and perspective.
All around it's a tough scenario and EVERYONE has to try their best to get along. But don't give up.
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I didn't get married to pay CS later in life.
http://home.cmit.net/rwolbeck/childsupport
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faith4two
Platinum
Reged: 11/11/07
Posts: 353
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Just a curious question - have either of you taken parenting classes? Participated in a blended family support group?
Having joined a ready-made family at one point in my life, it's not easy to meld individual ideals toward child-rearing. And we struggled with the same when it came down to having one together. I was always too harsh, too strict, too this or that. But I also learned in marriage counseling that when it comes to having a daughter, it's a natural thing that Moms and daughters will butt heads a bit more than Dads and daughters will, just like boys will do the same with their Dads moreso than with their Moms. Add the dynamic of a new parenting figure into the mix, and the notion of "but I already have a Dad/Mom" of a child, and it can be a recipe for disaster.
Once I got past the emotional hurdles of my marriage failing, I invested in as many parenting resources as I could afford to acquire, in order to better myself, and give our daughter the best I had to offer. Dealing with the behavioral issues has actually become an effort to balance consistency in discipline (not necessarily punishment) with understanding what's really going on in HER mind that motivated the negative behavior.
I count myself VERY lucky to have added a new partner to my life who has picked up every resource I have in order to be flexible and do the same.
If you are able to sit down and say "Hey, I think we could BOTH stand to improve our parenting skills and provide a consistent environment for ALL our children," and he's receptive to that, then you have the opening you need to move forward. If the response is "but I don't NEED that," then I would say there are bigger issues to address.....
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Jada
Platinum
Reged: 06/02/07
Posts: 3240
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You said:
Don't listen to Jada. She's completely biased against men and won't give them a chance. She's also way too close-minded about 'the other side of the story'.
My response:
As you can tell from the above statement, Wolron is completely clueless when it comes to me. I am not biased. I am not against men.
Just go to his website. You will get a real eye opener about just how deep his bitterness runs.
You said:
Also, it saddens me that so many 'advisers' on here throw out the big D card right away. That's a last resort only.
My response:
Not when it comes to abuse.
You said:
Please don't give up on your marriage because of this. EVERY parent has a hard time allowing their kids being disciplined or spoken badly of by someone else.
My response:
There is a huge difference between discipline and abuse.
What this stepfather is doing isn't discipline. It's abuse.
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WolRon
Platinum
Reged: 01/16/08
Posts: 255
Loc: MN, USA
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"Just go to his website. You will get a real eye opener about just how deep his bitterness runs."
MY bitterness doesn't sway me into talking people into getting divorced. I wish for fairness and happiness.
EDIT added this paragraph:
Taken directly from my website:
"If you asked me, I'd tell you that the best interest of the children is for the parents to work out their differences and stay together. Failing that, the next best thing for the children is for each parent to get off of their ass and work, provide a proper home for THEMSELVES as well as their children, and try to find a living arrangement where each parent can spend maximum time with their children (even if it means receiving less support money). The children should be able to spend maximum time with each parent and each parent should be able to spend maximum time with their children."
YOUR bitterness apparently sways you into talking people into divorce. You seem to be quick to call behaviors abusive and expect extreme consequences because of it.
"There is a huge difference between discipline and abuse."
The line between the two seems very faded in your eyes.
What this stepfather is doing isn't discipline. It's abuse."
So now you're an expert on this families situation? How can you be SURE? You've heard one side of the story only and very little of it at that.
Let's even assume that her husband became too aggravated/excited a few times and crossed the line between discipline and 'abuse'. Does a few incidents make him a cut-and-dry no-questions-asked 100% ABUSER?
We've had this conversation before. Not everything is black and white.
And even if he was, is there no hope of reform?
By the way, I encourage you to go to my website. The more people open their eyes to the 'abuse' that the CS system dishes out, the better.
Edited by WolRon (02/17/08 02:17 PM)
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Jada
Platinum
Reged: 06/02/07
Posts: 3240
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[quote]"Just go to his website. You will get a real eye opener about just how deep his bitterness runs."
MY bitterness doesn't sway me into talking people into getting divorced. I wish for fairness and happiness.
EDIT added this paragraph:
Taken directly from my website:
"If you asked me, I'd tell you that the best interest of the children is for the parents to work out their differences and stay together. Failing that, the next best thing for the children is for each parent to get off of their ass and work, provide a proper home for THEMSELVES as well as their children, and try to find a living arrangement where each parent can spend maximum time with their children (even if it means receiving less support money). The children should be able to spend maximum time with each parent and each parent should be able to spend maximum time with their children."
YOUR bitterness apparently sways you into talking people into divorce. You seem to be quick to call behaviors abusive and expect extreme consequences because of it.
"There is a huge difference between discipline and abuse."
The line between the two seems very faded in your eyes.
What this stepfather is doing isn't discipline. It's abuse."
Let's even assume that her husband became too aggravated/excited a few times and crossed the line between discipline and 'abuse'. Does a few incidents make him a cut-and-dry no-questions-asked 100% ABUSER?
We've had this conversation before. Not everything is black and white.
And even if he was, is there no hope of reform? [/quote]
It doesn't matter if there is hope for reform. The damage was already done. The mother here has an obligation to protect her children from abuse, even if it is coming from her husband.
If she wants to work on the marriage, fine. But kick the husband out until he gets help. The children shouldn't be subjected to his abuse while they are working on the marriage and his issues with dishing out abuse to innocent children.
You said:
So now you're an expert on this families situation? How can you be SURE? You've heard one side of the story only and very little of it at that.
My response:
I tell myself that we are only hearing your side of the story every time you tell your story.
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saamrodi
Platinum
Reged: 06/14/07
Posts: 2898
Loc: here
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To original poster:
"because they say he is always making fun of them, or correcting them, or making them feel bad. They are basically afraid of him."
You know, no...if the kids are feeling afraid of him then something should be done about it.
File for divorce? No
Suggest counseling NOW in an approachable way? Yes
We are parents first and foremost and we tend to be biased, its natural.
This is what I get from your post. You state your 9 yr/o does great and behaves in school, but you "subtly" state that he is out of control basically at home. It sounds the "fear" is coming from experiencing a different type of discipline from your husband. It needs to be redirected and done in a better manner, but I honestly cant blame him for getting onto your child for "running around/being loud" all the time. I assume "all the time" because you carefully say "very busy".
Thats ok. Who in their right mind would verbally degrade their children by saying they dont follow rules at home.
Secondly, you are VERY careful how to word things about your children, but you were VERY forward about your thoughts on his kids. Thats a problem too. You may not show your distaste of their behavior to them, but Im sure it is still obvious to his kids in other ways. So, maybe you are not as approachable to his kids, as yours arent to him. Sounds like EVERYONE needs to do some self-reflecting here and get some help if you want this family to stay together.
Maybe there is something "wrong" with him, or maybe he is getting signs from you that he and his kids are not "good enough" and are having to abide by different rules than you and your kids.
Just a thought, let us know if any of our replies have hit home and helped.
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"A man must not deny his manifest abilities, for that is to evade his obligations." ~W.F.~
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WolRon
Platinum
Reged: 01/16/08
Posts: 255
Loc: MN, USA
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"It doesn't matter if there is hope for reform. The damage was already done. The mother here has an obligation to protect her children from abuse, even if it is coming from her husband.
If she wants to work on the marriage, fine. But kick the husband out until he gets help. The children shouldn't be subjected to his abuse while they are working on the marriage and his issues with dishing out abuse to innocent children."
Kick the husband out? That's working on the marriage?
See how biased these statements are? You completely take the side of the poster and look past any other possible issues. It IS possible (just an example, not accusing WHID) that WHID is abusive too according to YOUR criteria. Read Saamrodi's post (directly above this one) and you'll see how she tries to interpret what was posted, knowing that she's only hearing the posters side of the story.
I try to do the same but Saamrodi is more tactful about it than me.
"You've heard one side of the story only and very little of it at that.
My response:
I tell myself that we are only hearing your side of the story every time you tell your story."
That's GREAT. That's what you're supposed to do. And I've taken the time to explain better a lot of aspects of my situation so that there isn't as much to doubt or wonder about, which is what I'm supposed to do.
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I didn't get married to pay CS later in life.
http://home.cmit.net/rwolbeck/childsupport
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Jada
Platinum
Reged: 06/02/07
Posts: 3240
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[quote]"It doesn't matter if there is hope for reform. The damage was already done. The mother here has an obligation to protect her children from abuse, even if it is coming from her husband.
If she wants to work on the marriage, fine. But kick the husband out until he gets help. The children shouldn't be subjected to his abuse while they are working on the marriage and his issues with dishing out abuse to innocent children."
Kick the husband out? That's working on the marriage?
See how biased these statements are? You completely take the side of the poster and look past any other possible issues.
My response:
Biased? Because it's not what you would do?
Sorry, but the kids need to be protected from psychological abuse. Period. I have seen the damage that that type of abuse does. Saying to kick the husband out is unbiased. It's to protect the children. And he can then decide if he wants to get help for his issues of committing abuse. And work on the marriage or not.
The children are the ones that need to be protected. Even at the expense of the marriage.
You said:
That's GREAT. That's what you're supposed to do. And I've taken the time to explain better a lot of aspects of my situation so that there isn't as much to doubt or wonder about, which is what I'm supposed to do.
My response:
Again, it is only from your side. Your ex may state something completely different.
Even when I tell my story, you are only getting my side.
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kota1967
Platinum
Reged: 01/26/06
Posts: 1480
Loc: New England
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hey wolf leave me out of your post please...(:
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