wut_hav_I_done
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Reged: 02/15/08
Posts: 1
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I have a very busy 9 year old son. He gets great grades, behaves in school, but he likes to run around. My new husband of 6 months is constantly yelling at him because he is loud. My children (3 of them) are having a hard enough time just living in the same house with him, because they say he is always making fun of them, or correcting them, or making them feel bad. They are basically afraid of him.
I love the man to death, but I cannot tolerate my children walking on eggshells in their own house. He has 2 of his own, who are at ourhouse each day before and after school to catch the bus and do homework. I tolerate their little issues, and am learning to love them for who they are, not who I expect them to be.
How do I get him to lighten up on my kids? When he keeps his mouth shut, he takes it out on me. It has gottento the point that I am afraid to talk to him about any issue because I'm terrified he will blow up, and do the usual "I'm leaving you" scene that will involve telling his friends, etc. How can I fail again in just 6 months. Please give me some advice.
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kota1967
Platinum
Reged: 01/26/06
Posts: 1480
Loc: New England
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Wut: I have been remarried for almost 6 years and I have a lot of the same issues with my husband..the difference is he has full custody of his son so we NEVER get a break from him...my kids go back and forth between me and their dad but I am the custodial parent...my husband does a lot of the same things to my kids...basically he ignores them and complains they are in my home "too much"...it has become a huge issue between us..he has told me many times "he can't take them any more"...so finally I told him if he can't take them in his life he can't have me in his life so he better figure things out...and the difference with us is his X bailed completely so he expected me to fill the "mother" role with his son...but he wanted me to do it by abandoning my own kids...basically making them go live full time with their dad so I could put all my energy towards being his son's mom...sorry ain't going to happen...I can be a mom to them all but no way in hell would I give up my kids for another man's kids...so I do feel for you...feel free to PM me...but this is about him and not about you and your kids...marrying you means "marrying" your kids in that when they are in that home it is their home too and they need to feel safe and loved and wanted...my kids do not feel wanted by my husband...and in a way by me because they see me choosing him over them by allowing the behavior...it all sucks...(:
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Jada
Platinum
Reged: 06/02/07
Posts: 3341
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Lets see, your new husband belittles them (that is what making fun of them is), yells at them and makes them feel bad.
My advice, end the marriage.
No way would I subject my kids to that kind of psychological abuse.
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pdm1960
Platinum
Reged: 02/15/06
Posts: 268
Loc: California
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I agree with kota, if he can't take them then he can't take you.........and if that doesn't work, I agree with jada. Its time to move on. good luck
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KGrow
Platinum
Reged: 01/27/06
Posts: 3153
Loc: Colorado
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It is hard to give good advice hearing only one side of an issue like this.
I will say that if you marry someone with children, you are marrying in to a family not just marrying an individual.
This should be dealt with as a family issue not so much as a marital problem.
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saamrodi
Platinum
Reged: 06/14/07
Posts: 2899
Loc: here
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"I will say that if you marry someone with children, you are marrying in to a family not just marrying an individual."
---> My thought exactly.
I have a question for you guys that have remarried and have step-children.
How was their connection before marriage?
How long did you date?
How much time did the SO spend around the kids?
I honestly ask, just out of curiosity.
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kota1967
Platinum
Reged: 01/26/06
Posts: 1480
Loc: New England
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Saam: I was with my husband 17 months before I married him and I lived with him for the 3 months prior to the marriage...my husband got full custody of his kids when his X bailed out of the marriage and remarried and moved to another country...he had no choice...his oldest was 16 and his youngest was 6..his life was out of control...his older kids did NOTHING to help in any way and his aunt helped him with the little one...the little one was out of control spoiled..my husband felt the way to get him past the abandoment was to buy him everything under the sun...wrong...anyway I had 3 kids of my own ages 3, 5 and 7...his kids had huge jealousy issues...he no longer doted on their every need and actually asked them to help with chores and babysitting...they were not happy...but they liked that I helped around the house and kept the little one busy and gave them rides and money and what not...my biggest mistake was moving myself and my kids into "their" home...that did NOT work..so we bought a house of hour own...his 2 oldest did not come with us...still have 5 but the 22 year old is going in the service in May..thank God..he just takes up space here...does not life a finger with anything...so we will be down to 4 but his son feels my kids are here too much and his son hates sharing anything with my kids...feels he should have the run of the house...my opinion...step parenting is over rated...I am not sure I would ever do it again...can hardly handle the daily struggles of my own never mind someone elses...(:
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taryn
Platinum
Reged: 05/31/07
Posts: 2258
Loc: Hell...but im coming back up, ...
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[quote]I have a very busy 9 year old son. He gets great grades, behaves in school, but he likes to run around. My new husband of 6 months is constantly yelling at him because he is loud. My children (3 of them) are having a hard enough time just living in the same house with him, because they say he is always making fun of them, or correcting them, or making them feel bad. They are basically afraid of him.
I love the man to death, but I cannot tolerate my children walking on eggshells in their own house. He has 2 of his own, who are at ourhouse each day before and after school to catch the bus and do homework. I tolerate their little issues, and am learning to love them for who they are, not who I expect them to be.
How do I get him to lighten up on my kids? When he keeps his mouth shut, he takes it out on me. It has gottento the point that I am afraid to talk to him about any issue because I'm terrified he will blow up, and do the usual "I'm leaving you" scene that will involve telling his friends, etc. How can I fail again in just 6 months. Please give me some advice. [/quote]
that fear of him exploding on you or the kids...
the walking on eggshells...
im sorry but that sound like the later year of my marriage.
and the kids "ours" not just mine.
how can you relax in such an environment?
how can your kids?
i hope others respond here because this makes me uncomfortable for you and the kids.
at the very LEAST you guys need marital counceling.
i hope others respond and im way off.
but i dont like this.
im sorry for you guys!
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taryn.
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saamrodi
Platinum
Reged: 06/14/07
Posts: 2899
Loc: here
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Sounds like there was alot of stress going on in the beginning that maybe has worn everybody down now.
His kids may not be model kids, but reading your original post, I really feel for them. I dont know your husbands history as in his activeness in actual care (physical/emotional) of the kids while with his ex. You state that "he had no choice" in having his kids as CP like it was an unwanted thing on his part. Maybe it was difficult instead, if he and the kids werent use to depending on each other and then were all of a sudden thrown into a situation where they were all they had. I can only imagine what his older kids have gone through emotionally on their own knowing that their mother just up and left them and then becoming a part of a family where there are younger kids involved. I think the older they are, the harder it may be for them to adjust if they ever do while in the home. Younger children take up/need more time in taking care of them and the older ones tend to be left out or at least they feel that way. I can only imagine. Being older, their ways of venting may have been rebelling against the rules. It sounds like they were miserable having gone through what they did. Then yours are small. Thats alot to deal with. It seems he was not this way in the beginning of the marriage or you would not have married him, so I assume this has happened over time. Not that it was a bad choice to be together mind you, but I can see why there was/is conflict.
He shouldnt make the kids feel they are walking on eggshells, but maybe he hasnt dealt with his past completely or unable to, possibly has strained relationships between he and his children, I assume he is working full time, is dealing with the beginning of "empty nest" while still trying to be a father to young ones........and all this combined comes out on the ones there in the home. It does not justify it, but it could be some of the reasons.
I just think when you marry someone with children, regardless of how difficult it may be, that you stand by them. Im not saying that you two are not doing this. Maybe you two have hit a point where you have done all you are capable of doing on your own. Joining two families is something we take up as a responsibility when we decide to walk down that isle. We marry the spouse AND kids. Its never easy, but I hope somehow all of you (parents and all kids) can work this out to keep another family from breaking down. Counseling for everyone could help.
I know there are lines you cant just cross or allow to happen, but I hope this can be worked out by both sides walking in each other's shoes a while to maybe see where the conflict is rooted.
Good luck
Edited by saamrodi (02/17/08 12:22 AM)
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 5052
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I vote for marital/family counseling NOW. The poster & her husband need to figure out how to configure the family that they've created so that they can all tolerate and enjoy each other, and it's possible the new husband has no idea how to handle ... well, whatever situations are presented by the new set of kids.
The guy COULD be abusive, or maybe he's just not able to work within the system that the oritinal poster and her children had going. Maybe he needs something else. Some one on one time with his stepkids so he can feel bonded with them??? Or less time with them and more with his own? Or a schedule where all kids were out of the house at the same time (visiting other parents, maybe) every once in a while to have alone time with the parents?
Or maybe it can't be worked out.
But without talking to him and finding out what's up, it's not going to work out. Counseling would be the most likely way for the two parents/step-parents/co-parents to figure out how to organize their new roles and the kids' new roles in the newly formed family. If it can be done. If you love each other enough, it's worth the work and compromises that you'll BOTH need to do to make this happen (assuming he does not have a serious emotional problem that makes him abusive by nature, in which case you will find that out through counseling and be completely certain with your decision to leave in those circumstances.)
Good luck.
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taryn
Platinum
Reged: 05/31/07
Posts: 2258
Loc: Hell...but im coming back up, ...
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after reading these posts and the advice i feel even MORE sure i will Never ever consider dating or remarrying.
this is the drama i got out of.
my kids already feel rejected and replaced by their dad,
if somehow, they felt that way at MY home due to
another guy...
well, i dont think they could take it.
and for that matter,
two of my kids have SUCH trust issues...
they will actually EXPECT rejection so they
will act out SO badly at first.
a guy will Really have to be committed as
they will test, retest, and test again before they can
relax and start to trust a guy not to leave them.
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taryn.
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WolRon
Platinum
Reged: 01/16/08
Posts: 255
Loc: MN, USA
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"Lets see, your new husband belittles them (that is what making fun of them is), yells at them and makes them feel bad.
My advice, end the marriage.
No way would I subject my kids to that kind of psychological abuse."
Don't listen to Jada. She's completely biased against men and won't give them a chance. She's also way too close-minded about 'the other side of the story'.
Also, it saddens me that so many 'advisers' on here throw out the big D card right away. That's a last resort only.
Please don't give up on your marriage because of this. EVERY parent has a hard time allowing their kids being disciplined or spoken badly of by someone else. This is normal for a parent (both you and your husband). You guys really have to try to stop looking at the kids as MY kids and HIS/HER kids. That will tear you apart. Look at Kota's situation.
One girlfriend I was dating had 4 children. I have 2. After dating awhile, I was told by my ex that my kids informed her that they felt I was treating my gf's kids better/differently than I was treating them (my own). I never felt that I was treating any of the kids differently, but everyone has their own opinion and perspective.
All around it's a tough scenario and EVERYONE has to try their best to get along. But don't give up.
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I didn't get married to pay CS later in life.
http://home.cmit.net/rwolbeck/childsupport
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faith4two
Platinum
Reged: 11/11/07
Posts: 353
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Just a curious question - have either of you taken parenting classes? Participated in a blended family support group?
Having joined a ready-made family at one point in my life, it's not easy to meld individual ideals toward child-rearing. And we struggled with the same when it came down to having one together. I was always too harsh, too strict, too this or that. But I also learned in marriage counseling that when it comes to having a daughter, it's a natural thing that Moms and daughters will butt heads a bit more than Dads and daughters will, just like boys will do the same with their Dads moreso than with their Moms. Add the dynamic of a new parenting figure into the mix, and the notion of "but I already have a Dad/Mom" of a child, and it can be a recipe for disaster.
Once I got past the emotional hurdles of my marriage failing, I invested in as many parenting resources as I could afford to acquire, in order to better myself, and give our daughter the best I had to offer. Dealing with the behavioral issues has actually become an effort to balance consistency in discipline (not necessarily punishment) with understanding what's really going on in HER mind that motivated the negative behavior.
I count myself VERY lucky to have added a new partner to my life who has picked up every resource I have in order to be flexible and do the same.
If you are able to sit down and say "Hey, I think we could BOTH stand to improve our parenting skills and provide a consistent environment for ALL our children," and he's receptive to that, then you have the opening you need to move forward. If the response is "but I don't NEED that," then I would say there are bigger issues to address.....
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Jada
Platinum
Reged: 06/02/07
Posts: 3341
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You said:
Don't listen to Jada. She's completely biased against men and won't give them a chance. She's also way too close-minded about 'the other side of the story'.
My response:
As you can tell from the above statement, Wolron is completely clueless when it comes to me. I am not biased. I am not against men.
Just go to his website. You will get a real eye opener about just how deep his bitterness runs.
You said:
Also, it saddens me that so many 'advisers' on here throw out the big D card right away. That's a last resort only.
My response:
Not when it comes to abuse.
You said:
Please don't give up on your marriage because of this. EVERY parent has a hard time allowing their kids being disciplined or spoken badly of by someone else.
My response:
There is a huge difference between discipline and abuse.
What this stepfather is doing isn't discipline. It's abuse.
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WolRon
Platinum
Reged: 01/16/08
Posts: 255
Loc: MN, USA
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"Just go to his website. You will get a real eye opener about just how deep his bitterness runs."
MY bitterness doesn't sway me into talking people into getting divorced. I wish for fairness and happiness.
EDIT added this paragraph:
Taken directly from my website:
"If you asked me, I'd tell you that the best interest of the children is for the parents to work out their differences and stay together. Failing that, the next best thing for the children is for each parent to get off of their ass and work, provide a proper home for THEMSELVES as well as their children, and try to find a living arrangement where each parent can spend maximum time with their children (even if it means receiving less support money). The children should be able to spend maximum time with each parent and each parent should be able to spend maximum time with their children."
YOUR bitterness apparently sways you into talking people into divorce. You seem to be quick to call behaviors abusive and expect extreme consequences because of it.
"There is a huge difference between discipline and abuse."
The line between the two seems very faded in your eyes.
What this stepfather is doing isn't discipline. It's abuse."
So now you're an expert on this families situation? How can you be SURE? You've heard one side of the story only and very little of it at that.
Let's even assume that her husband became too aggravated/excited a few times and crossed the line between discipline and 'abuse'. Does a few incidents make him a cut-and-dry no-questions-asked 100% ABUSER?
We've had this conversation before. Not everything is black and white.
And even if he was, is there no hope of reform?
By the way, I encourage you to go to my website. The more people open their eyes to the 'abuse' that the CS system dishes out, the better.
Edited by WolRon (02/17/08 02:17 PM)
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Jada
Platinum
Reged: 06/02/07
Posts: 3341
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[quote]"Just go to his website. You will get a real eye opener about just how deep his bitterness runs."
MY bitterness doesn't sway me into talking people into getting divorced. I wish for fairness and happiness.
EDIT added this paragraph:
Taken directly from my website:
"If you asked me, I'd tell you that the best interest of the children is for the parents to work out their differences and stay together. Failing that, the next best thing for the children is for each parent to get off of their ass and work, provide a proper home for THEMSELVES as well as their children, and try to find a living arrangement where each parent can spend maximum time with their children (even if it means receiving less support money). The children should be able to spend maximum time with each parent and each parent should be able to spend maximum time with their children."
YOUR bitterness apparently sways you into talking people into divorce. You seem to be quick to call behaviors abusive and expect extreme consequences because of it.
"There is a huge difference between discipline and abuse."
The line between the two seems very faded in your eyes.
What this stepfather is doing isn't discipline. It's abuse."
Let's even assume that her husband became too aggravated/excited a few times and crossed the line between discipline and 'abuse'. Does a few incidents make him a cut-and-dry no-questions-asked 100% ABUSER?
We've had this conversation before. Not everything is black and white.
And even if he was, is there no hope of reform? [/quote]
It doesn't matter if there is hope for reform. The damage was already done. The mother here has an obligation to protect her children from abuse, even if it is coming from her husband.
If she wants to work on the marriage, fine. But kick the husband out until he gets help. The children shouldn't be subjected to his abuse while they are working on the marriage and his issues with dishing out abuse to innocent children.
You said:
So now you're an expert on this families situation? How can you be SURE? You've heard one side of the story only and very little of it at that.
My response:
I tell myself that we are only hearing your side of the story every time you tell your story.
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saamrodi
Platinum
Reged: 06/14/07
Posts: 2899
Loc: here
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To original poster:
"because they say he is always making fun of them, or correcting them, or making them feel bad. They are basically afraid of him."
You know, no...if the kids are feeling afraid of him then something should be done about it.
File for divorce? No
Suggest counseling NOW in an approachable way? Yes
We are parents first and foremost and we tend to be biased, its natural.
This is what I get from your post. You state your 9 yr/o does great and behaves in school, but you "subtly" state that he is out of control basically at home. It sounds the "fear" is coming from experiencing a different type of discipline from your husband. It needs to be redirected and done in a better manner, but I honestly cant blame him for getting onto your child for "running around/being loud" all the time. I assume "all the time" because you carefully say "very busy".
Thats ok. Who in their right mind would verbally degrade their children by saying they dont follow rules at home.
Secondly, you are VERY careful how to word things about your children, but you were VERY forward about your thoughts on his kids. Thats a problem too. You may not show your distaste of their behavior to them, but Im sure it is still obvious to his kids in other ways. So, maybe you are not as approachable to his kids, as yours arent to him. Sounds like EVERYONE needs to do some self-reflecting here and get some help if you want this family to stay together.
Maybe there is something "wrong" with him, or maybe he is getting signs from you that he and his kids are not "good enough" and are having to abide by different rules than you and your kids.
Just a thought, let us know if any of our replies have hit home and helped.
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WolRon
Platinum
Reged: 01/16/08
Posts: 255
Loc: MN, USA
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"It doesn't matter if there is hope for reform. The damage was already done. The mother here has an obligation to protect her children from abuse, even if it is coming from her husband.
If she wants to work on the marriage, fine. But kick the husband out until he gets help. The children shouldn't be subjected to his abuse while they are working on the marriage and his issues with dishing out abuse to innocent children."
Kick the husband out? That's working on the marriage?
See how biased these statements are? You completely take the side of the poster and look past any other possible issues. It IS possible (just an example, not accusing WHID) that WHID is abusive too according to YOUR criteria. Read Saamrodi's post (directly above this one) and you'll see how she tries to interpret what was posted, knowing that she's only hearing the posters side of the story.
I try to do the same but Saamrodi is more tactful about it than me.
"You've heard one side of the story only and very little of it at that.
My response:
I tell myself that we are only hearing your side of the story every time you tell your story."
That's GREAT. That's what you're supposed to do. And I've taken the time to explain better a lot of aspects of my situation so that there isn't as much to doubt or wonder about, which is what I'm supposed to do.
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I didn't get married to pay CS later in life.
http://home.cmit.net/rwolbeck/childsupport
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Jada
Platinum
Reged: 06/02/07
Posts: 3341
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[quote]"It doesn't matter if there is hope for reform. The damage was already done. The mother here has an obligation to protect her children from abuse, even if it is coming from her husband.
If she wants to work on the marriage, fine. But kick the husband out until he gets help. The children shouldn't be subjected to his abuse while they are working on the marriage and his issues with dishing out abuse to innocent children."
Kick the husband out? That's working on the marriage?
See how biased these statements are? You completely take the side of the poster and look past any other possible issues.
My response:
Biased? Because it's not what you would do?
Sorry, but the kids need to be protected from psychological abuse. Period. I have seen the damage that that type of abuse does. Saying to kick the husband out is unbiased. It's to protect the children. And he can then decide if he wants to get help for his issues of committing abuse. And work on the marriage or not.
The children are the ones that need to be protected. Even at the expense of the marriage.
You said:
That's GREAT. That's what you're supposed to do. And I've taken the time to explain better a lot of aspects of my situation so that there isn't as much to doubt or wonder about, which is what I'm supposed to do.
My response:
Again, it is only from your side. Your ex may state something completely different.
Even when I tell my story, you are only getting my side.
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kota1967
Platinum
Reged: 01/26/06
Posts: 1480
Loc: New England
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hey wolf leave me out of your post please...(:
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