hurly7
New
Reged: 02/17/08
Posts: 19
Loc: Chicago, IL
|
|
Am I allowed to call when my kids are with him?
My ex who lives in another state has the kids a total of approx 60 days. When he has them, I swear I go thru seperation withdrawls. But more so I am used to going over homework daily, playing, doing crafts, talking and simply just hanging out. I make sure that I call every other day because I want to hear their voice and see how they are doing. BTW when they are with me which is the 305 day a year if not more he calls every 10-14 days. He is trying to tell me that I shouldnt call when he has the kids because I am disrubting his family time with them... I think this is insane.. I call at night when it is supposed to be close to their bedtime and it a simple HI, how are you, i miss you, I cant wait to see you. Nothing grilling.
I want to add something to our ammendment regarding this, cause he lately will not answer my calls and never call me back. They are my children too and since I am the one who pretty much has them all the time I feel I have the right to see how they are!! What kind of parent would I be if I didnt call?
--------------------
"People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one." L.J. Burke
|
Jada
Platinum
Reged: 06/02/07
Posts: 3501
|
|
[quote]Am I allowed to call when my kids are with him?
My ex who lives in another state has the kids a total of approx 60 days. When he has them, I swear I go thru seperation withdrawls. But more so I am used to going over homework daily, playing, doing crafts, talking and simply just hanging out. I make sure that I call every other day because I want to hear their voice and see how they are doing. BTW when they are with me which is the 305 day a year if not more he calls every 10-14 days. He is trying to tell me that I shouldnt call when he has the kids because I am disrubting his family time with them... I think this is insane.. I call at night when it is supposed to be close to their bedtime and it a simple HI, how are you, i miss you, I cant wait to see you. Nothing grilling.
I want to add something to our ammendment regarding this, cause he lately will not answer my calls and never call me back. They are my children too and since I am the one who pretty much has them all the time I feel I have the right to see how they are!! What kind of parent would I be if I didnt call? [/quote]
I would tell him that if you can't call them when he has them because it's interrupting family time, then he can't call when you have them for the same reason.
You can motion the court to make it mandatory that you can contact the children while they are with him and vice versa. The court will probably order both of you to be allowed to call a couple of times a week.
|
numbnms
Platinum
Reged: 10/18/07
Posts: 708
|
|
The other point of view:
My stbx and I share 50/50 custody week on week off arrangement and she calls everyday that I have the children while i try to call every few days would say average is 2 times a week. My reason is simple I know how the kids start to act after she calls...they start up with the 'why don't you live together anymore" "What did we do wrong" etc etc etc. She usually calls right before bath time and I spend the next hour reassuring them they are loved by both of their parents but that we just don't live together anymore, that they did nothing wrong and none of this is their fault and neither she nor I are going anywhere and leaving them etc etc etc. Before she calls during the week and on weekend neither of the kids do anything but act like kids. It also bears mentioning I would never discourage them from calling her if they wanted to and have dialed the phone for them numerous times (it's usually to brag about something that happened at school) so its not like if they think about it and want to talk to her they feel they cannot. The only time it really bothers me is when she decides to call them 2 times a day, once in the morning while I am getting them ready for school/daycare and then when we get home from work.
It annoys me that she does this when I have the kids yet she lets them spend the night with her mother atleast 2 nights a week during 'her' time and I know she doesnt call them on those nights. She isnt doing it for the kids she is doing it for herself.
To be a little brutal and honest it sounds like you are doing it for yourself and not the kids as well.
"I go through seperation withdrawals""I am used to etc etc""I want to hear their voices" I I I. He gets them approxiately 2 and 1/2 days eveyother week and you want to intrude on his time with the kids every other day? Would it be so wrong for the kids to not have to be reminded that their parents couldn't keep things together even if it was just for their sake?
just my 2cents worth and will probably get slammed because I have the wrong chromoson make up and therefore do not understand.
--------------------
Forget waiting for the storm to pass
Learn to dance in the rain
|
Dana_D
New
Reged: 02/18/08
Posts: 24
|
|
I went through a similar situation and I can tell you from my experience that this is more of a practical issue than a legal issue. Even if you get an order, enforcing it will be problematic at best.
|
gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 5178
|
|
I agree with Numbnms. Too many calls can be intrusive, especially if you say certain things. "I miss you" and "I can't wait to see you". kind of put a kid in a bad situation, thinking that you don't feel good when they're not with you makes them feel guilty about spending time with Dad & having fun when theyr'e with him.
Have you ever sent them to summer camp? Most camps send out guidelines on how to handle letters & phone calls, and they advise AGAINST telling the kids that they're missing parties & fun when they're not home... that YOU miss THEM and can't wait till they get home... and even that you worry that they miss you. I heard a tape by a mother on the phone with her 8 year old daughter (SHE taped the conversation, go figure... she taped every conversation she had with the kids or the father and thought it would prove something, so when she gave the tape to him for the divorce, he found this conversation & we heard it & it was AWFUL. She started with the "I miss you baby", and when the child didn't say she missed her back, she said, "don't you miss me? Dont' you want to be with me? DIdn't you ask your daddy if you could come over to be with me this evening when I'd be alone?" There was some more stuff, but basically the woman stopped when the kid was crying. Apparently the kid had forgotten to ask Dad if she could go to her MOm's house to watch Wizard of Oz, and she was watching with Dad & the brothers at Dad's house, and teh wizard of Oz was well into the first hour when Mom finally called to find out why the girl didn't show up (she didn't want her sons to do it, it wasn't her week to have the kids, she just thought it would be fun to do with the girl and wanted the child to tell Dad to let her do it.)
TRULY, it deteriorated into something where the kid felt like she didn't love her mother enough and her mom was home alone & lonely (a scary thing for a child to contemplate).
There are other ways to talk to the kids every evening that doesn't even approach this disruptive/potentially traumatic talk, but you've got to remembe rit's not about you missing the kids.
THe way to do it is, "I called to say goodnight. Are you having fun at Daddy's?" "what did you do today" "Oh, that sounds like fun" (by the way, NEVER offer to get on the phone with Dad & intervene for the child with Dad for anything the child is NOT having fun with. If you even TRY to intervene, don't let on to the child that you'll TRY... you might not know the whole story and you might not succeed and you'll look ineffectual, the dad will look evil, and teh child will think he's stuck in the evil house of too many chores... or wahtever else he's angry about). AFTER "that sounds like fun", don't even THINK to sign off with "I miss you", but rather say, "I love you baby, talk to you tomorrow. Bye". No "I miss you"s, no "do you miss me"s, no "I'm bored, I'm doing nothing, It's not the same without you here"s... no "we're having a party, Grandma's coming over, the neighbors' kids got a pool & everyone is going over for a barbecue tonight"s. The kids don't need to knwo that you feel sad or lonely, that you've got a great social life when they're not around... they just don't need the burden of being responsible for your social life (or lack thereof).
they need to know you're there, you're thinking of them, you're fine, and you're happy that they're with their Dad.
If you handled calls like this, maybe they wouldn't be difficult after you hang up, and maybe thier Dad wouldn't try to restrict the times you can call them.
|
beetlebug
New
Reged: 02/17/08
Posts: 19
|
|
Why don't you send them letters and fun post cards when they are with him decorate the envelopes and make sure to send them off so they arrive each day. Really 60 days a year and you can't make it? Make it fun for all of them, don't bring them down and cause them to miss you so much during the very little time they are with him. What would you do if you only got the 60 days? Would you be sitting by the phone waiting for him to call on 30 of those days?
|
numbnms
Platinum
Reged: 10/18/07
Posts: 708
|
|
Great idea Beetle I really like it, think doing it so that one arrives everyday they are there is excessive but kids love to get mail. Hats off to you for the idea think I will incorporate it.
--------------------
Forget waiting for the storm to pass
Learn to dance in the rain
|
taryn
Platinum
Reged: 05/31/07
Posts: 2509
Loc: standing on the mountaintop! :...
|
|
[quote]I went through a similar situation and I can tell you from my experience that this is more of a practical issue than a legal issue. Even if you get an order, enforcing it will be problematic at best. [/quote]
thats kind of what i was thinking.
you know what?
tell the kids to call you whenever they want too.
that way if they miss you or need to ask you something they can.
most likely your kids' dad will be cool with that.
tell them you arent calling 'cuz you want them to have uninterupted time with their dad, but ENSURE them you want to hear from them IF they want to call.
--------------------
taryn.
|
taryn
Platinum
Reged: 05/31/07
Posts: 2509
Loc: standing on the mountaintop! :...
|
|
wait...the kids only see their dad sixty days a YEAR?
whew...yeah...if i could only be wiht my kids SIXTY DAYS a YEAR i dont think i would answer the phone either.
id be too busy with my kids!
have the kids call you if they need too.
you will be fine not if you dotn call them.
it will be hard at first, but then you'll get used to it.
--------------------
taryn.
|
mom2kaesie
New
Reged: 02/26/08
Posts: 11
|
|
I was in a similar situation. My daughter's father was very abusive when we were together. When we separated, he didn't have her alone. Gradually, he got her more and more and was allowed to be alone with her as he gained my trust. When I told him that he needed to pay child support, he decided he wanted her half time. Well I had an accident and couldn't make it to court and they heard the case anyway. They awarded him half time. 2 weeks with him, 2 weeks with me. She's 3 years old and had never been away from me more than 1 night. I called every night to tell her goodnight and to make sure she was ok. because of his history, i didn't want anything to go wrong. he has a drinking and an anger issue. I also wanted to let her know that mommy loved her and would see her soon because his girlfriend had a habit of placing ill thoughts in her head about me. The first 2 week period, he didn't complain. The second one however, I couldn't reach her. His phone was disconnected. After 3 days of not speaking to her, I got worried so I sent an officer over there just for a welfare check to make sure she was there and ok. His house was empty! No one was there. I paniced thinking he had run with her. I sent him an e-mail telling him he needed to let me know where they were because it was in the order he provide phone and address. He refused. But then told me I could call every other day but if I called more than that my number would be blocked. My calls were no harrassing. I called 1 time a day to say good night and that was it. He never calls her when she's with me. He went 5 months without seeing him because of a protective order that was recently dropped. He had the option of calling but never did. He said he didn't bother me and I shouldn't bother him. It will be brought up in court. There is a protective order now and he only gets supervised visitation until we go back to court. He still doesn't call. In fact when we were to child support enforcement for our hearing, he didn't even speak to her. But, a judge can order a reasonable amount and length of calls. My lawyer says that he's requesting daily phone contact of 10 minutes or less. She's almost 4 so 10 minutes in more than her attention span will allow. But it would put my mind at ease to know that she's safe and also give her the comfort that mommy hasn't abandoned her. It's worth requesting in court.
|
Previous
Index
Next
Threaded
Edit
Reply
Quote
