gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 5141
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I'd have kicked her out, driven her back up to her family homestead with her bags & stuff a year ago, left THEM to deal with her. But since you choose to keep her, you have to do it nicely. She fears the cab, so if you pick her up ahead of time to drop her off at her doc early and then you stop at a quick mart before hand to pick up a stupid magazine for her, then fine. Her therapist will hopefully work on that stuff with her...
Interesting that the therapist will be seeing some of the refusal to do for herself that has been one of your complaints all along, and it has actually possibly affected that therapist's own schedule!
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mistake#2
Platinum
Reged: 07/19/06
Posts: 3257
Loc: Florida
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I'd go to my own appointment and tell her that the cab will be picking her up at such and such time. Let her decide whether she gets in it or not, you did your part and now she can take the next step.
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What will I lose
Platinum
Reged: 05/21/07
Posts: 760
Loc: PA
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i have no problem being nice..well i do but...the only alternative is to be mean...or not nice..BUT until i get concrete numbers from her/atty, i feel for my own health i have to treat her like i always have..mostly.
now once i get her official demands..i assure you...all bets will be off!!!! I will then have no reason to be nice
thats how my mind works..i'm good until someone pizzes me off
so i'm a sucker eh? :)
hey just got email..my atty ran into hers and reminded him that we want a meeting..my atty also gave me dats she will be out of the office in the next week. I dont mind paying for these emails since they give me piece of mind
also her atty told mine he has a house appraisal..interesting..should i tell my wife i know..hmm
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call me WWIL...PA resident 39 year old , married 11 years, together 12...splitting in 13th year.
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mistake#2
Platinum
Reged: 07/19/06
Posts: 3257
Loc: Florida
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[quote]i have no problem being nice..well i do but...the only alternative is to be mean...or not nice..BUT until i get concrete numbers from her/atty, i feel for my own health i have to treat her like i always have..mostly.
(quote)
It's not about NOT being nice...your enabling her.
If she HAD to do it on her own then she'd find a way.
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What will I lose
Platinum
Reged: 05/21/07
Posts: 760
Loc: PA
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at this point i dont think i can stop enabling..or at least selectively lol
wow is she pizzed off..i told her my atty ran into hers and mine told hers that we would like a meeting..he said he would call sometime...then the atty told mine that my wife got an appraisal of the house (which i wasnt supposed to know about)
my wife is sooooooooooooooo pizzed at her atty...said she wanted me to pay for 1/2 of her appraisal and use that amount, of which she wont tell me. I told her not to tell me, to think about it for a while (i'm trying to show her i'm not a bad guy pressuring her). So she's so mad at him she said she will call and yell at him or rather have her mom call and yell for her. I said sorry i guess i shouldnt have told you but i figured it was public info and she said she specifically told her atty NOT to tell anyone about it.
i have a feeling this will put a rift into the relationship with her atty and that he may even do less than he is now. But she definitely said he was supposed to mail a letter out and hasnt done so. She said he hasnt even discussed any alimony figures or formulas etc and we have a hearing in 2 months. She didnt even know what the hearing was for, i had to tell her. How sad about her atty.
I said i will NOT get any appraisal until i'm sure i'm staying in the house. as soon as she tells me i'm staying, i will go and try to refi and we can use that one as well as hers to come to an amt she is to be paid.
she said she's not 100% sure i AM staying, i said well do you see why i'd be a fool to try to refi until i knew i was staying? She said yes she sees that. So maybe reason is coming into play and she will ask for a more reasonable amount of money at last.
we cleaned out some more stuff tonight so progress there is moving just fine.
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call me WWIL...PA resident 39 year old , married 11 years, together 12...splitting in 13th year.
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jbar
Platinum
Reged: 12/16/06
Posts: 1066
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===========================================================
I'd have kicked her out, driven her back up to her family homestead with her bags & stuff a year ago, left THEM to deal with her. But since you choose to keep her, you have to do it nicely.
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How the hell can he "choose" (or not choose) to keep her when the laws that you advocate keep a sword poised over his neck at all times, and any action he takes to bring the matter to a head could result in his having to pay a huge amount of alimony, lose the house, or both? The agonizing mind games he has to play with her, her mother and the lawyers, as a result of these vile, mindless and obsolete laws, are something that no dog should have to endure.
BTW, I extend my previous shaming of mistake #2 and Taryn to you, as well, Gigi!
Edited by jbar (08/05/08 02:53 AM)
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What will I lose
Platinum
Reged: 05/21/07
Posts: 760
Loc: PA
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well it's true i choose to keep her here and try to control how this negotation goes. Thats how i wanted it. I didnt want her to have to leave and me start paying 1100 a month 'today' and have her under the influence of her large family out at their place totally filling her head with hatred of WWIL. Here at home i can at least continue to do what i have done and although she is deeply hurt, she cannot say i just started being mean to her since i'm still doing 99% of everything i've done for the past 8 years with her. It's how i'm choosing to do this.
Also she wouldnt have left the house because she feared an abandonment charge and of course if i left the house it IS neglectful of a disabled wife and i would be nailed to the cross if it ever came to court. They would say that i left my poor disabled wife alone in the house and didnt do anyting for her
instead i can say i ran her everywhere and still paid all the bills except for food and i supported her up until she moved out of her OWN free will. I never will 'kick her out'..it's her choice to leave
this may not be the strategy many of you would do but i have to do it because it's ME in my shoes and it's what i can live with
it's also how i can deal with a financially blowing defeat. If she still totally kills me financially, in my heart i will know i tried my best to keep this civil until the end and i did NOT abandon her even where 99% of most men would have. This is mine, and no doubt mine alone (the rationalization position).
of course last night it was hard for her after finding out her atty told mine that which he wasnt supposed to. At our goodnight kiss she stood up and hugged me and said life sucks..i said yes it does...and i knew she was gonna cry as soon as i left the room.
I feel her atty betraying her trust will help me...unless of course she ditches him and finds a shark. He has done ao much to pizz her off that i think he will just agree to something reasonable just to get rid of her...or that's what i'm fantasizing about :) Maybe attys dont mind getting yelled at..what do i know?
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call me WWIL...PA resident 39 year old , married 11 years, together 12...splitting in 13th year.
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What will I lose
Platinum
Reged: 05/21/07
Posts: 760
Loc: PA
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the saga continues
Vet gave us some test pills to see how the cat will react to them for the trip when she takes him away...she just called to tell me he's all woozy etc...then she said she left msg with her atty to get his ass moving on stuff... then i mentioned the letter my atty sent on july 19 and i wondered what she thought of it.
she said WHAT letter...so 2 weeks went by and he didnt even tell my wife that he got a financial package from my atty (stack of documents included too) and she said no wonder you think i'm lying when i said i have no idea about alimony...i told her id make her copy of the letter since her atty wont lol...i said see, i have your best interest at heart, he doesnt. And isnt that sad that i'm informing her more than her own atty. ugh
.....i told her i offered 600 month....... i said hey if you arent ok with it tell me what you want, we need to start fighting about it.. but point is we need to start talking!
And last night i told her hey if i have to start paying alimony in October, i cannot pay that plus my 2 mortgages so will just let the house foreclose and we both get nothing! I told her its better to let me keep the house and refi so i can give her a lump sum. But i know she felt cornered and threatened and she has no one on her side to advocate for her but i hope she realizes its true. The house needs so much work that no one would buy it, certainly not at the amt her appraisal said it was worth. I think she knows its true but is dreaming she will get more from it. And her mom is supposed to come over the weekend but i hope she doenst.
The GOOD news is one of her DRs was the last appt yesterday...she didnt make a follow up Which means she will be gone in the next few weeks..But i think she will leave her stuff here and come back. ugh. But at least she will be gone
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call me WWIL...PA resident 39 year old , married 11 years, together 12...splitting in 13th year.
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What will I lose
Platinum
Reged: 05/21/07
Posts: 760
Loc: PA
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stardate 20080806
she called to ask me the dates that her atty was supposed to call my atty. yes she doesnt remember a thing. I also said the date my atty ran into hers and that he didnt share the letter she sent to him.
then i had emailed my atty about all this and she wrote back saying the guy is unresponsive to her too, he may have too many cases. SO i'm surprised atty defending atty like that. oh well.
then my wife tells me her bro broke his wrist so it will be a long time before she gets back for her stuff but she will definitely be out by labor day if not sooner. Her mom wants her there sooner. Now i personally think this is a BS story to keep my wife's stuff here so she has an excuse to enter the house. But i'm not willing to pay 80 a month for storage that she would never agree to anyway
and unless she is acting, she really is pissed at her atty and today will tell him (if she talks to him) that she is leaving by labor day and that i'm pushing her to get alimony and house resolved asap. I told my wife that hey if the house gets refied soon, you can have your lump sum today! I hope dangling that carrot helps.
now i called back asked her why her strong sister and i just couldnt lift and she really didnt have an answer. except for 3 heavy things all other stuff is in boxes which i can lift myself! Geez um..just seems like she doesnt wanna move the stuff out. Wants to come back for some reason. well i wont change a thing or even clean up until i'm positive i'm keeping the house so i dont know if she expects to come back and find me with someone else or what
after she goes i am telling her i changed the locks (but wont) and so she has to tell me when she's coming back so i'm home to let her in. :)
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call me WWIL...PA resident 39 year old , married 11 years, together 12...splitting in 13th year.
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What will I lose
Platinum
Reged: 05/21/07
Posts: 760
Loc: PA
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hmmm now we have this. She said her mom will come and take her back home for a week. I said why, if you are just moving out labor day? she said maybe to look at homes etc. I said oh that sounds like a great idea. Then the mom would bring her back for a few weeks, i guess we'd finish separating stuff. then she would leave labor day but leave most of her crap behind.
but i did reiterate that except for 3 big things, i could literally pack the truck myself. So i told her that her sister could even help with just 3 things!
so we shall see.
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call me WWIL...PA resident 39 year old , married 11 years, together 12...splitting in 13th year.
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