Motor-Head
Platinum
Reged: 02/07/08
Posts: 689
Loc: 10,000 RPM
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[quote]It sounds more to me like you are frozen into one mindset. Leaving would well....leave it all behind. There's nothing to think, or freeze about then. [/quote]
I agree
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ttina
Platinum
Reged: 02/28/08
Posts: 398
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and we're all enabling him by giving him advise he doesn't want or need. He is using us to give him validation for staying and making this woman's life miserable enough that she will leave. This is my thoughts.... You don't want to be married, then get out of the marriage. File for divorce from bed and board if you want her to leave. Even if you were to leave you'd get the same 1/2 of the assets and debt she would, you could file for the house in ED. She is a dependant spouse... she would get alimony. End of marriage, end of the war of the roses.
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What will I lose
Platinum
Reged: 05/21/07
Posts: 760
Loc: PA
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I guess i can only blame myself for not being more clear here. you people think i'm making her life bad when in fact i'm doing only the following differently:
1. not kissing her bye in the morning or when i leave to go out (i do still kiss her goodnight)...ok so getting 2/3 kisses less MAY make her miserable, you have to judge that for yourself
2. still paying for everything including her cable and tivo, prescriptions, and taking her to all her doctors and the store as she requests. (i cannot for the life of me see how this is making her life more miserable..please explain in detail how paying all this stuff and taking her everywhere makes HER miserable)
3. i dont sit in front of the tv all weekend with her all the time, i do go out with friends (ill give you this one if you like....me not staring at the tv with her may make her miserable..to see me out having fun)
4. we've separated christmas stuff and this past weekend dvd stuff. She has boxes of stuff on the floor in the dining room to go thru herself...ok maybe this made her miserable by your definition..unsure.
but other than the above, i'd like to know what you think i'm doing to make her life miserable. Heck i think i'm being pretty darn nice keeping her cable on, takign her out for cigs and her cookies etc.
she is living like the queen she has always been and even gigi 'accuses' me of making my wife too comfortable today. So this talk of me making her life miserable is utter nonsense and either i'm not being clear or you arent reading all my posts. I TALK about many and all options...NOT that i'm going to do each one of them. Maybe some of you just jump into things, get up and leave and move into a buddies apt or across the country with a new friend or whatever, but i dont do that. I cant. She cannot be left alone i nthe house so why should i pay for the mortgages, her alimony if shes moves out AND for me to live in an apt while the house stands empty. I dont get what you are saying? But telling me to move out is stupid when you know she cannot take care of herself and would be forced to move out. So what's the point of both of us moving out..you will have to explain that to me? Plus me movign out and leaving a disabled wife alone..how will THAT look to the court? I think some of you dont know my whole story and while i dont expect you to follow every detail of it, talking about things you dont know about just isnt good advice. I've been warned to be nice to her and ever her mom so i cannot for the life of me see how ME abandoning my disabled wife helps ME look good to a judge? someone..can you explain that thru my shortsighted eyes how this helps me?
I guess i'm fortunate enough to be able to plan things out a bit better than some of you. I dont want to be in any war and neither does she..i can tell she wasnt happy that 2500 would be coming out of her 15K nest egg and i'm positive it would eat in her to spend much more of it. She guards that money like a hawk and it's psychological comfort.
plus, for those not following along, if she demands full alimony, i cannot pay that until after july so i'm not in a real hurry to get her out. I did talk to her about refinancing the house and she said her mom did find her a 2500 retainer atty so while she didnt sign up, she did say she has someone to answer her questions (unsure who she meant). But i told her 2nd mort. is killing me and i have to refi.
and just to reiterate for those not following along, i read every bit of into told to me and take out of it what i like and think i can use but the other stuff like moving out of the country, no i'll never take that advice sorry. I just cant follow all the advice given to me but have adjusted a few things and gotten some good ideas.
just got another one recently..so yes your words to pay off :)
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call me WWIL...PA resident 39 year old , married 11 years, together 12...splitting in 13th year.
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stoltz
Platinum
Reged: 01/29/07
Posts: 1493
Loc: Texas
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So what is it exactly that you are asking? Or, are you just venting?
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What will I lose
Platinum
Reged: 05/21/07
Posts: 760
Loc: PA
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responding to people who dont have all the facts and also accusing me of making my wife miserable when the OPPOSITE is true. Now i hope they are more informed. Advice is nice but when you dont know all the facts it's not worth as much. Like saying to leave my wife..without knowing she is disabled...is just insane.
on the 1 in a million chance that i'm wrong, i asked specifically in my last post how a judge would look at me abandoning my disabled wife in a big house with no support system? If that is acceptable and will make me look like a better husband, i may consider it, but the people that recommend it will have to do some convincing for me to believe it's good to abandon my wife.
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call me WWIL...PA resident 39 year old , married 11 years, together 12...splitting in 13th year.
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stoltz
Platinum
Reged: 01/29/07
Posts: 1493
Loc: Texas
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So, you are asking should you abandon your (disabled) wife? ... People are giving advice, but you are saying their advice is not good since they don't have all the facts?
If so, I would ask an attorney as anyone's advice here - even if they DO know all the facts - could be wrong (regardless of their intentions).
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 5141
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Good grief, WWIL... you're really caught up in this. You have all the answers, and think there's a one in a million chance that you could be wrong... that maybe someone will find a way for abandoning your disabled wife to manage your huge and difficult house would be good. And whenever someone says, OK, then go ahead, abandon her, you find a reason to prove you're right.
You do have all the answers and you've not ...
Look, I told you this before, when you disclose one piece of the puzzle at a time in 30 different threads and ask for advice about one item at a time, in a vacuum, without giving people all the information on other issues, then of course you'll get bad advice. You can't expect everyone to hav eread all your threads before they jump in... and to be honest, you've given DIFFERENT issues in different posts, which makes it appear at one point that you're trying to push her out and wanting her mother to take her home while at the same time you're worried that if her mother DOES take her that you'll owe her $1100 a month. You have given part of the financial picture in one thread, another part in another thread, and the bottom line is that when someone starts saying stuff like, "if you can't afford it, get rid of the cable", you pooh-pooh that possibility... like you're desparate to get rid of her, but not desparate enough to get rid of the cable.
You talk about how the house is cold, she has used heating pads ot keep her warm, you were telling her to stop doing that because it was burning her, and her mother has complained about the house being too cold... and you say you intentionally do it to save money. BUT you refuse all offers of advice on how to save money in other areas so that you could turn the thermostat up. You WANT her to be a little cold and uncomfortable at one minute, and you are gleeful about your mother-in-law's complaints about it, but the idea of giving up the Tivo and internet service are abhorrant because that's YOUR outlet.
But your outlet of late has been to go out, meet "friends" (we assume you're flirting with these friends and maybe more because you're talking about having her move in and help you with expenses once the wife is out).
When we say, get rid of the WIFE and THEN move on ... well, THEN you say you can't, becasue you can't afford the support.
Here's the situation. You have a house, that's more important to you than your comfort in having your wife out. You have cable, and you would rather KEEP that than get your disabled wife out and start paying alimony. You have a mother-in-law who wnats to visit from tiem to time, and a wife who has removed $15,000 from teh joint account, making it impossible for you to make the improvements that the house needs in order to sell it. You ahve a house that you say is worthless and so expensive that you can't afford alimony, but you refuse to contemplate putting it on the market.
WE've given you our best advice, and you choose not to take it, choose to tell us that you are positioning yourself better, choose to refuse to believe us when we say a judge will NOT see you as particularly a loving husband when you are freezing your wife out (this will be the testimony from her and her mother, don't doubt that for a minute).
You prefer your long-suffering status than the escape that is possible. Keep it up. Keep the suffering. But recognize that when EVERYONE tells you that you COULD leave... well, maybe the one person whose view point is skewed here is the one person who thinks he's got one in a million chance of being wrong. When EVERYONE is telling you that you're making excuses and doing the wrong thing, you dont' get it.
So continue as you're doing, and maybe come back to vent when it REALLY hits the fan.
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What will I lose
Platinum
Reged: 05/21/07
Posts: 760
Loc: PA
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[quote]
You talk about how the house is cold, she has used heating pads ot keep her warm, you were telling her to stop doing that because it was burning her, and her mother has complained about the house being too cold... and you say you intentionally do it to save money.
You WANT her to be a little cold and uncomfortable at one minute, and you are gleeful about your mother-in-law's complaints about it, [quote]
you followed most of my stuff but arent reading it apparently so you are right, the rest of the board cant keep it straight if you cant. For the 3rd time, i never ever told her to sit on the heating pad to keep her warm. (and would welcome you showing me a quote where i did say so) she sits on in year-round to help her back. Never to use it for 'keeping warm' because its too cold. Plus when one sits in a light nightgown all winter, with absolutely nothing, and i mean nothing else on..one may be a bit chilly yes i admit it, But thats not the reason she is on the pad
Also she was at the DR and he said it's not a burn at all..so you need to get that idea out of your head that the pad is burning her, that is not the case as we just found out. As far as the glee about MIL complaining, i dont know where that came from, it's like you arent reading what i'm writing and are just making stuff up. I never said i was happy about it at all. I actually hated that she accused me of turning it down when it was really the auto thing that turned it down.
[quote]
Here's the situation. You have a house, that's more important to you than your comfort in having your wife out. You have cable, and you would rather KEEP that than get your disabled wife out and start paying alimony. You have a mother-in-law who wnats to visit from tiem to time, and a wife who has removed $15,000 from teh joint account, making it impossible for you to make the improvements that the house needs in order to sell it. You ahve a house that you say is worthless and so expensive that you can't afford alimony, but you refuse to contemplate putting it on the market. [quote]
i realize you probably didnt see my other thread so i'll update you here. I can refi the entire balance and save 600 in pocket today. So there is 1/2 the alimony. I say this to prove to YOU that yes im looking at ways of saving money and refi and saving 600 out of pocket sure is significant. I AM continually looking at things and ways to save money and admit i didnt do the refi numbers correctly the 1st time around. Thats why i take time and THINK about things instead of just acting out upon impulse and other people's suggestions.
And im tired of hashing the cable out, you are right about that. You and others say to treat her well and keep her warm and happy...yet want me to take away the thing she most loves besides her cigs. And i keep telling you it's the little things like this that i think are helping keep the peace now. If i turned it off today do you think she would be happy? Would that make her miserable? YES. I dont get why you and others (who know my situation) want me to do something that you know will make her miserable while telling me in the same sentence to keep her happy. it is the PRICE i'm paying to keep her happy. for now. (emphasis added)
now if i start to refi and she wont cooperate with the deed..well then yes i agree, no sense keeping her happy any more and ill suspend the account the next day and she wont have a thing to watch.
[quote]
You prefer your long-suffering status than the escape that is possible. [quote]
ok you know my situation best..how do you think this can be resolved by me moving out today? (your suggestion many times over). Bullet points would be fine. If i move out today, i say i shot myself in the foot, but if you think i should move out, i would like to know how that would all work. (thinking about who gets her dinner, pills, food, smokes, takes her to DR, and all the other daily things that she may need done. You are right that i cannot see how abandoning her helps
1. me with my financial situation
2. me how i look to a judge
3. her take care of herself on a daily basis
4. her to move out
im all ears (and would also like to know if others you gave advice to took every little piece of it too). I thikn you discount or dont realize the advice i have taken and instead focus on the negative sometimes
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call me WWIL...PA resident 39 year old , married 11 years, together 12...splitting in 13th year.
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HardKnox
Platinum
Reged: 06/13/07
Posts: 2760
Loc: Wisconsin
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[quote] 2. me how i look to a judge [/quote]
Methinks you obssess a bit about this WWIL.
Having just gone through a divorce with a (psychiatric) disabled spouse myself (12/19/07). Judges typically, hopefully, administer law. And while I'm sure that many will pile on claiming they've been screwed through the whims of a judge, I personally have not seen any evidence of it.
When you leave a marriage with a disabled spouse, you are bound to be made out to be the villian, in some people's eyes. They have not lived in your shoes. I have.
Save yourself, through whatever means.
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What will I lose
Platinum
Reged: 05/21/07
Posts: 760
Loc: PA
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[quote][quote] 2. me how i look to a judge [/quote]
Methinks you obssess a bit about this WWIL.
Having just gone through a divorce with a (psychiatric) disabled spouse myself (12/19/07). Judges typically, hopefully, administer law. And while I'm sure that many will pile on claiming they've been screwed through the whims of a judge, I personally have not seen any evidence of it.
When you leave a marriage with a disabled spouse, you are bound to be made out to be the villian, in some people's eyes. They have not lived in your shoes. I have.
Save yourself, through whatever means. [/quote]
actually it's the advice on this board that makes me worry about it more. I wasnt so worried about it before because i still believe we will settle without court since she nor me wants to spend 5K on this.
Many posts on this board about my situation use the word judge and how i will look if i do X, Y and Z. So it's being reinforced on this board that i do need to worry about how i will look. It's more advice that i am taking (maybe wrongly?) but some people say i dont take their advice..well this is one piece i think you can attest to that i'm really worried about, if it becomes necessary to see a judge. Cant go back and change things so have to prepare for court even if never go.
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call me WWIL...PA resident 39 year old , married 11 years, together 12...splitting in 13th year.
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