HardKnox
Platinum
Reged: 06/13/07
Posts: 2760
Loc: Wisconsin
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[quote]actually it's the advice on this board that makes me worry about it more. I wasnt so worried about it before because i still believe we will settle without court since she nor me wants to spend 5K on this.[/quote]
That's the problem with seeking out (and getting) advice from all different angles. Everyone's opinion is based upon their individual experiences. Can't blame them for that.
Best case? Reach a mutually agreeable settlement. The judge will ask you if your OK with it, the judge will ask her if she's OK with it. If you want, the judge will even bang the gavel for you then.
Done.
Freedom.
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What will I lose
Platinum
Reged: 05/21/07
Posts: 760
Loc: PA
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plus i cant understand this judge thing anyway...we agreed to stuff and never even saw each other after she moved out for my 1st D. So this process is totally new..to have to 'worry' about a judge
i cant understand why a judge would be needed now. There are very few things, if any, that cant be negotiated in my opinion. And as we all know, some things arent worth fighting for and i think she will see that once the time comes.
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call me WWIL...PA resident 39 year old , married 11 years, together 12...splitting in 13th year.
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HardKnox
Platinum
Reged: 06/13/07
Posts: 2760
Loc: Wisconsin
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[quote]some things arent worth fighting for and i think she will see that once the time comes [/quote]
There's the key right there. If you can negotiate a settlement you can live with, the judge simply insures the agreement complies with the law.
That's the way it is in Wisconsin, anyway.
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What will I lose
Platinum
Reged: 05/21/07
Posts: 760
Loc: PA
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[quote][quote]some things arent worth fighting for and i think she will see that once the time comes [/quote]
There's the key right there. If you can negotiate a settlement you can live with, the judge simply insures the agreement complies with the law.
That's the way it is in Wisconsin, anyway. [/quote]
well the key here is she feels since she got screwed on her 1st D that she needs an atty to tell her what to do...at least my ex was mostly mentally there and knew a good deal when she saw it and took it. We both got what we wanted there.
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call me WWIL...PA resident 39 year old , married 11 years, together 12...splitting in 13th year.
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 5141
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WWIL, I guess part of what's confusing is that I'm playing devil's advocate to you and you don't seem to like it. I'm playing her lawyer AND the judge (at alternative times) and trying to let you know how some of this looks, how it WILL look once it's talked about ... since it seems that she's going to be hell-bent on NOT getting screwed in this divorce like she thought she was in her first one, and she WILL get a lawyer and she will stay as long as possible if she thinks the house is worth a dime.
From a negotiation standpoint, your position that you won't move out, no matter what, makes it worth a lot TO HER. Even if it's worthless, you've developed such an attachment to it that her lawyer (the person who will be arguing the positions I've been stating), will be using it against you.
I KNOW that teh dark marks were not burns from the heating pads but the fact that YOU thought they were, do you not think that others will come to similar conclusions (and don't go telling me that they're all hidden... the mother has undoubtedly seen them and will tell the lawyer and tehy'll be down that path of SAYING it's burn marks before you even know what's up.)... and I heard that she sits on the heating pad year round, but even if the lawyer knows from her that it's not to warm her up, all he has to do is have the mother testify that when she arrived at the house for her March visit, that the house was unreasonably cold and her baby was sitting on heating pads all day and you had set the thermostat on some automatic system so that it was tough to figure out what was going on... I don't CARE that you will say that the thermostat is not a problem to figure out or that the heating pad was year round for her back and not for heat... the mother will do her damage with just a couple of seconds worth of testimony and you'll be playing catch-up.
I've given you the suggestion before & I"ll give it again. File the initial paperwork to get the ball rolling, try to get her to agree to some things and get a settlement down in writing. Since you can re-fi for enough to pay her support, offer to keep her in the house (so long as she continues the current financial set-up as rent) unitl the divorce is signed, sealed & delivered and you can get the re-fi to pay her alimony, after which point you send her off on her own and hte house is yours.
Offer to give her the $15K in exchange for your cars and other property that you wanted to keep. Do it amicably and before 2 years is over with by going in for a consent decree 6 months after you file. Heck, see if you can do it without lawyers if you can (though she might get one if her family gets freaked out enough and escalates her worries about herself).
But recognize in the meantime that some of the stuff you are doing will shoot you in the foot if you end up in trial... refusing to cozy up to the motehr (come on, it was only one week, could you REALLY not keep yourself from getting nasty about the heat and the other stuff for just that long? Did you HAVE to let mother engage you in several arguments?)... allowing certain things to continue... these things will not look good for you once a lawyer presents them to the jduge. YES, there will be a lawyer on your side presenting YOUR side of it... but like I said, it would be all catch-up, all defense and no offense.
I'm no longer telling you to move her the heck out. I've NEVER told you to liquidate everything and leave the country. I don't think that's necessary. I think you're crazy to keep a house that is near upside down on it's loan, and you're going to have a hard time getting an appraisal to prove it's equal to zero value if you intend to pull $40K worth of equity out of it for spending money (that's what it means to be nearly zero equity is that there is no equity to pull out).
Some of what you're saying can't be done, or if you try to do it you'll mess up your chances of prevailing on other issues. (like if you get a loan to take out anotehr $40K from the house, you'll be shooting yourself in the foot on claiming that hte house had zero positive value to it).
But you CAN do this. It's not all as hard as you're making it.
I think, like HK says, you're over-thinking some parts of this. Some of the over-thinking makes it look a little like you're trying to play dirty tricks, and that's not a good image for you to cultivate. It would be better if you'd try a different approach then things like looking to get an appraisal for zero value at the same time as getting a new loan to take out another $40,000 worth of the equity... stuff like that...
As I said once before, you'd be better off just listing everythign you have and the REALISTIC value of it, that will be divided up, and looking first to see if you're in as dire shape as you seem to think, before getting all crazy about manipulating the appraisers into a different appraisal than you want.
Your best bet remains an amicable settlement, and the opportunity is righ tin front of you, if you dont' mess it up by alienating all her family & friends in the meantime.
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allthumbs
Platinum
Reged: 07/12/07
Posts: 560
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WWIL,
Say this prayer everyday. Let it's meaning sink in.
"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference."
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ttina
Platinum
Reged: 02/28/08
Posts: 398
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There are some fundimental questions here...
Do you want a divorce?
Have you taken any steps (legally) toward that divorce?
What is the next step?
Are you working toward that step?
We get that youe wife is a dependant spouse. We get she cannot be alone (does someone sit with her during the day while you're at work?). We get you are in a financial nightmare with upside down debt. What soulutions have you come up with. You refuse to leave the house... you say b/c she can't live there alone. If she is truely diasabled, she has resurces to have home health care, if she doesn't she has the asset of the 15000.00 you're always throwing in that she has hidden. Hire a nurse to come in and get on with your life. It sounds cold, but it is what it is. You do not want to be this woman's social structure, you don't have to. You don't want to vegitate in fron t of the TV, you don't have to. BUT, unless you actually move forward instead of bi#ching online you are going to be in this same position in a month, in a year, in five years, in a decade. You are waiting for her to make the first move, wanting her to be the instigator so you can be justified in your desire to live seperate from her.
Granted I do sometimes skim over your posts. They tend to ramble and basically are hard to follow. But it boils down to this... if you want out, you are going to have to make it happen. It will be painful, annoying, frustrating, and it will cost everyone involved. There is no divorce fairy who will come down, touch you with her wand and *poof* you're divorced and everything is settled fairly.
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What will I lose
Platinum
Reged: 05/21/07
Posts: 760
Loc: PA
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[quote] It would be better if you'd try a different approach then things like looking to get an appraisal for zero value at the same time as getting a new loan to take out another $40,000 worth of the equity... stuff like that...
[/quote]
But see, i do think that is possible. If i let her guy appraise the house and make a deal based on that number (assuming i like it too of course), i can THEN go get my refi and get cash out and she wouldnt be entitled to it (obviously atty has to draw up such paperwork. See, i'd argue that she cant use her appraisal then see mine is higher and use mine. But i dont know the law and i know it wont be a huge difference in todays market but an extra 10K even would make a big difference to me.
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call me WWIL...PA resident 39 year old , married 11 years, together 12...splitting in 13th year.
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What will I lose
Platinum
Reged: 05/21/07
Posts: 760
Loc: PA
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first note since you mentioned complaining on this board: i DO come here to vent, i do come here to explore, i do come here to listen to other options. I think part of the reason i'm so 'sane' at home with her is that i DO have this board to come an batch on. I guess everyone uses the board in different ways. I am here to say stuff i need to vent and get out no matter the reasoning or logic of it all. I choose to do this rather than take it out in other ways which i'm sure people have done with their lives.
[quote]There are some fundimental questions here...
Do you want a divorce?
Are you working toward that step?[quote]
i really was still having doubts, i guess we all do. It's a big decision and as much as i thought i did, i was still analyzing it. But now i figure i can file and try to work out a settlement and if things dont work out, i'm sure she will just move back in and stay with me :)
[quote] We get you are in a financial nightmare with upside down debt. What soulutions have you come up with. [/quote]
not really upside down. I just dont want to get stuck with her atty and an unfairly high appraisal is all. And as long as she is only entitled to the amount as of the date she married me, i have at least 20K in equity that will be mine. Financially the broker said i can afford over 200K in mortgage, so i wouldnt call my finances bad at all. I'm sorry if i left that impression. What is true is i cannot afford this 2nd mortgage anymore so i do need to refi or move. That is true. other than that i have little debt other than house expenses so i know i'm blessed more than most people. But it doesnt make this any easier.
solution is get FHA refi and save over 500 a month so i can pay her alimony. solution is after july this year i get a decent raise, i get my other car paid off and there is a few more bucks in the register. Also i keep working and reworking numbers and found i made a few mistakes. So thats why i take so long to do things, i'm not perfect the 1st time around and in some cases it's been good that i did take my time so i didnt have false expectations.
i made appt next week to file with the woman atty i've been seeing
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call me WWIL...PA resident 39 year old , married 11 years, together 12...splitting in 13th year.
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ttina
Platinum
Reged: 02/28/08
Posts: 398
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aaahhh, more makes sense now... you didn't know if you wanted a divorce so you paint this picture of a selfish, druggie, lazy, stingy wife to validate your reasoning in as a good reason to think about wanting a divorce. Given the parallels with my own divorce (ther than my ex isn't disabled... no matter how much he tried to convince the state/social security admin he is). I did need a catalist to make me see that I can do much better in my life w/o this boat anchor called ex. But once I made the descion to move on, the emotional releif was tremedous. I just feel you are making the descion harder than it needs to be and tortureing youself in the process.
Selfish b/c she refuses to smoke in another room if only for your sake.
Druggie b/c she doubles up on her pain patches.
Stingy b/c she took her settlement money and hid it from you.
I am not saying you don't have a right to vent and be frustrated. BUH-LEE-VE my I have done my share.
I actually found this site when I was doing some research on child custody and support. I have been divorced for over a year and was seperated in 2002. My replies have been on my prespective, from the information you have posted. I cannot read into what you aren't telling us. You gave the impression that finances were dire b/c of the ability to afford adequate heat. I guess what I was trying to say is you need to make a choice and live with that choice. You can't live with the "what ifs" all your life.
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