Divorce Support Forums: now it's hitting the fan...maybe it's started

I want to repeat something that HK said, in a different way. My own divorce was amicable and it IS possible to keep it that way, and it's nice when you can. I even still loved my husband and he loved me, there were just things that happened that made us realize we were not right for each other. It helped tremendously that we had never brought children into what we knew was not a good partnership... it was a struggle to stay together wtihout children, and it would have been harder with children, but we'd have done it longer "for the kids" and ended up maybe not being as amicable for the same reason, if we'd had them.

And I also wanted to know all the possibilities before leaving. It made things easier when the end finally came.

But I understood that I WOULD lose stuff, that I WOULD lose lifestyle, that I WOULD have to tighten my beld in order for this to happen, because the alternative would be to pull dirty tricks to get more than my fair share of the marital assets. And that's what I sometimes see you doing. You rarely have that caring part of your situation and OFTEN have the "how can I get more out of this, I'm so angry at her" part.

And for YOU, the longer this goes on, the more the "I'm SO angry at her" part will show up! HK stayed, hung on, cared for her, but was NOT the one who wanted a split and would have stayed forever. This is not the case for you. Sadly, I see times when it looks like staying longer already has taken it's toll. But worse, if you are staying for purposes of positioning yourself well for an amicable settlement, then the fact that things are deteriorating and becoming less than amicable, the fact that she took $15,000 to protect herself from you, the fact that you could not manage to live a week with the MIL's visit without being cordial, the fact that the MIL showed up, unannounced and apaprently plans to make it a habit as if she has to conduct surprise visits to keep her daugter safe from you... these are NOT good signs that dragging this out is going to make it go in your favor or even even-handedly.

And here is one more difference between HK and me about the actual point of divorce... after the divorce, even though we still loved and respected each other, MY ex and I maintained the no contact rule. To do otherwise would have prevented one or the other of us from moving on. We COULD have stayed in contact, easily. We worked one block away from each other and had lots of opportunities to get together for lunches & etc., but what would be the point?

I think it's a fantasy when you start on the journey to divorce, that you'll remain best friends, and that might be some of what your wife is hoping... it's a daunting task to have to replace your FRIENDS as well as your PARTNER in your life... but truly, your wife needs a NEW best friend, someone to confide in about her hopes and dreams for her future, someone to reassure her that there IS a new mate out there for her, a partner in life who won't mind her situation, but it's not going to be the typical, run-of-the mill guy who works for a living and doesn't want to come home and take a second shift in taking care of her. Heck, it might be someone else who is also collecting disability.

Heck, come to think of it, she might be perfect for JBar! (whoops, getting carried away... I played matchmaker a few months ago for a couple of friends and they tell me they're having a great time now).

Your wife doesn't want anything to change from what is happening right now. She might say she does, but you've helped her maintain JUSt the level of comfort she needs to not be motivated to actually MAKE any changes. Like with an alcoholic, some have to hit their own personal "rock bottom" before they will take the trouble nad effort and pain to change. And your wife has not hit whatever she needs to hit, to get to her version of "rock bottom", because you've taken care of things for her. She will not get better, will not move on, for as long as you stay in her life and stay her friend... but the unknown is scarier than staying with you, even if staying with you is no longer fun. So of COURSE she wants to remain friends. And you are right to be honest about things ... and COMPLETE honesty is that it DOES depend upon how the divorce progresses. You can NEVER say NEVER, as far as staying her friend. If this divorce is the kick in the pants she needs to get up & take a walk around the block every day for a month, get back to her old self, apologize for her past wallowing in her misery, etc., etc... who knows.

But I honestly think that what's going to happen is her life will re-set back to a new plan, with a different set of hopes and dreams and friends, and it will work better for her than this lifestyle works. And I honestly think you will not be motivated to continue contact with her the way HK has continued with his ex.

I hope if you really are taking the steps now, that you have not hung on so long that you're at your last straw, and you will be able to hold onto your sanity and keep things as amicable as possible till it's over.