strongmomof3
New
Reged: 03/04/08
Posts: 1
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My soon-to-beex is active duty and I was served 3 months ago along with papers stating that he also wants custody of our 3 children. I am a stay-at-home to 3 children under the age of 7. One of which has special needs and another that has a learning disability and sever behavioral issues. We have been married for 9 years (yes, I know just one year shy of the 10 year mark, how convenient for him). He was originally trying to obtain sole physical custody (joint legal) of the children. He reasoning is because I have no job and no financial means to care for the children. If you had sole physical custody he states that then he could move with the children to base housing and provide for them "in the manner to which they are accustomed to" (we do not live on base now). I was completely thrown by this and had not even considered the possibility that I would have to stay here. I have since been told that because he is pursuing this and wants to be there for children I will be unable to relocate to a more cost effective location. I do not want to keep the children from their father, but it seems unreasonable to keep me from starting my life over. It will take me twice as long to do that here and I will not be as financially stable here (and he knows that so he's using that to his advantage by saying that since I can't financially care for the children he should have the children---which by the way he plans to use child care). My special needs son will not deal well with this proposed change, but I've very concerned about a judge being able to see that side of it.
I was told by one lawyer that no judge would even agree to joint physical to an active duty member anyway, but another lawyer told me it would be in my best interest to play along and agree with joint, but ask for less visitation. I'm so confused and soooooooooo worried about my children. I really have only their best interest at heart and my soon-to-be ex just will not listen to me. He thinks my judgement is clouded by spite, but I really am worried about my kids because I have seen what this has already done to them. Any comments, suggestions, known laws, cases would be appreciative.
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movingon2
Platinum
Reged: 12/06/07
Posts: 209
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He can state whatever he wants in his papers, doesn’t mean he is going to get it, Hopefully, you responded in a cross complaint requesting sole custody? Is your stbx assigned to a unit, (or will be in the future) which frequently deploys? If so, he is going to have a lot of challenging obstacles in his way. From reading your post, it appears that you have been the primary caretaker of the children. The courts are going to put the interest of the children first and foremost, and the courts focus on stability and continuity. You have been providing this to your children for the last seven years, the nonmilitary spouse is much more likely to provide stability and continuity than a service member who could be deployed at a moment notice. Unless, your husband can prove you are an unfit mother, his chances of sole/joint custody are extremely slim. If he is serving a tour where he stays in one place then I can see the joint custody being a possibility, but what happens when he gets reassigned? Or is he planning on getting out? These are issue that you need to mull over with a good attorney.
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Jada
Platinum
Reged: 06/02/07
Posts: 3240
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He's not going to get custody unless he can prove you are unfit.
His career is going to prevent joint physical custody. It's too unstable. And he can be deployed to a war zone.
What he will end up with is joint LEGAL custody. Which is not the same thing as joint physical custody.
His argument that you can't provide for them because you are a stay at home mom (which is going to change when you find a job) isn't going to hold water. I was a sahm when I kicked my ex out. I have custody of my kids. I'm also no longer a sahm. But I am the primary caregiver, just like when my ex and I were married.
He will probably be able to keep you from moving until he gets stationed somewhere else. Then you will be able to relocate to where you want (and don't let him tell you that you have to move to where he is, you don't and he can't force you). It would be ideal if you and he were in the same town, but his career may prevent that. Neither of you have any control over where he gets stationed.
If he has moved out, you need to get temporary custody, child support and temporary spousal support set up.
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pdm1960
Platinum
Reged: 02/15/06
Posts: 261
Loc: California
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Strongmomof3,
I read this post yesterday but didn't get a chance to comment. First of all don't pay too much attention to anything he tells you. Next, find an attorney that specializes in family law and has a background working with military spouses. Your JAG office should have a list of local attorneys to chose from. I am a retired military and I can tell you right now he is going to have trouble trying to take care of the children and perform his duties as required. Fight for your children to stay with you. He is making the claims about base housing because he doesn't want to live in the barracks. Been there, done that. He should be given BAH because he has children. He will also have to provide to his commander proof that someone can take his children on a moments notice in the event of a deployment. Stay strong and look for an attorney. He will probably also have to pay spousal support for a certain amount of time until you can get on your feet. Don't back down and get an attorney.
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