Divorce Support Forums: divorce or not to?

Right, but when he said he would quit lying, etc., under what conditions were the terms made? Did you say, "I want a divorce unless you quite lying, etc?"

Ultimately, a couples class or counseling is needed here.

I came across this article sometime back. It really nails the situation that occured with my wife and I. Perhaps this is what is going on in your marriage as well.

More than a million marriages will end in divorce this year in the United States alone. Women will seek two-thirds of them.
Why are women leaving their marriages at twice the rate that men do?

After more than two decades as a marriage therapist, I believe that every married couple should know the answer to that question if they want to divorce-proof their marriage. Here's why wives walk away:

In the early years of marriage, women are usually the primary caretakers of the relationship. They're the ones who take daily temperature checks, asking themselves: "Have we had enough closeness today?" "Are we spending enough time together?" "Do we feel connected emotionally?"

If the answer to these questions is "no," women often pursue more closeness. They tell their husbands, "We never do anything together," or "You never talk to me any more," or "Why do you always put work ahead of me?"

Unfortunately, instead of understanding their wives' need for more closeness, men simply feel as if they're being nagged. So they withdraw emotionally– the opposite of what their wives had hoped would happen.

As a result, women become miserable, and they start to see the rest of their lives with their husbands through jaundiced eyes. They begin complaining about everything under the sun: "I feel like a single parent," or "You're such a couch potato. Why don't you ever lift a finger around the house? I do everything myself" or "You're not going on another golf outing with your buddies, are you?"

Though wives are still only trying to get their spouses' attention, their husbands are likely to recoil further. I've never met a man who wants to spend more time with his wife when he feels nagged.

Planning escape

After months or years of this negative interaction, women finally surrender. They tell themselves, "I've tried everything. He's not going to change, no matter what I do. Divorce has got to be better than this."

With that, women plan their escapes.

Now the interesting thing is that the escape plan usually hinges on a particular event that may take years to materialize. For example, women tell themselves, "I'll leave my husband when the kids leave home," or "I'll get a divorce when I go back to school and learn new skills so I can support myself" or "I'm going to meet another man and as soon as I do, I'll be out of here."

In the months or years that follow, women give up trying to fix the marriage and stop complaining completely. Unaware of what's really going on, their husbands think, "No news is good news," and proceed with their lives, business as usual.

That explains why, when women finally break the news of the impending divorce, their shocked husbands reply, "I had no idea you were unhappy! Why didn't you tell me?"

With that response, the marital coffin is nailed shut. These wives can't believe how little their husbands know about their souls.

The sad part is that when most men finally understand the depth of their wives' unhappiness … they're willing to do backflips to keep their marriages together.

The sad part is that when most men finally understand the depth of their wives' unhappiness, they genuinely want to make changes in themselves. They're willing to do backflips to keep their marriages together. They're finally ready to do the kind of intensive soul-searching that makes marriages great.

But by that point, these wives have built walls around themselves that are impervious to men's genuine willingness to change. The marriages enter the danger zone.

Getting back on course

If you're a woman who fits this description, please don't give up. I've seen so many men make substantial personal changes after they truly understand how unhappy their wives had been.

Sometimes men are slow to catch on. But when they do, their determination to turn things around can be astounding. So give your husband another chance. Let him prove to you that things can be different.

It will take time for you to believe that the changes are real. That's understandable. Be patient. Keep your family together.

Divorce isn't a simple answer. It causes unimaginable pain and suffering. It takes an enormous amount of energy to face each day. Why not take this energy and learn some new skills and make your marriage what you've wanted it to be for so long?

Speaking of new skills, consider this: Men often hear actions more clearly than words.

So when things get tough, if you want to get through to a man, stop talking and do something. I know one woman, who after years of pleading, cajoling and talking, finally got her husband to fix the back stairs to their porch by grabbing his toolkit and starting the project herself. Within minutes, he was by her side critiquing her endeavors and taking over the job.

Also, it's essential that you don't let things build up before you take action. Get moving long before you feel like throwing in the towel.

If you're a man reading this, and your wife has been complaining or nagging, thank her. It means she still cares about you and your marriage. She's working hard to make your love stronger.

So spend time with her. Talk to her. Ask her about her day. Talk about goals, dreams, plans. Listen to her. Compliment her. Pay attention. Take her seriously. Show her that she's the most important thing in the world to you. Don't take your marriage or wife for granted.

If your wife no longer seems open to you when you reach out, don't give up just yet. On the other hand, don't crowd her. Don't push. That will only make matters worse.

If she feels pressured, she'll become a walkaway wife. But if you demonstrate that you can change, you might gradually convince her to give your marriage another try.

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Damn it's good to laugh again.