smo4o8
Silver
Reged: 03/11/08
Posts: 60
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I am new to this, but I am having some problems, and I desperately need advice. My husband and I have been married for 11 years. We have three children ages 9, 10, and 11. From the outside looking in we have a perfect life- we have a new home, new cars, we both have good jobs, and have great kids. I would say the last 6 years of my marriage have been rough. My husband has many wonderful attributes, but is hard to talk to and does not communicate his needs. I in turn can be bossy and a bit of a baby. I want what I want when I want it type of thing. He had an emotional affair 4 years ago, and we had a hard time getting through it, but we did. The last year or so he has become more withdrawn. One night a few months ago after going out with friends we had a huge fight, he hit me , and the police were called. He went to jail and our world was totally turned upside down. You see things like that don't happen to people like us. Everyone was shocked. There was a no contact order placed on him, so we COULD NOT speak for over a month. We have just started speaking a few weeks ago, and after much soul searching, I decided I do want him back. He is a good man, and a wonderful father. I want to give it one more try. Problem is I think he is done trying. He feels too much has happened to ever make things right. We are supposed to meet tomorrow night to talk things out. I am scared to death. Part of me wants to know what is going to happen, but I still have hope things will work out, I don't want him to crush those dreams. How can I make him believe I am sincere and that I do want to try. I am turned inside out- HELP!!
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numbnms
Platinum
Reged: 10/18/07
Posts: 675
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From the outside looking in, you are were I was in August. I was hard to talk to, my wife had an emotional affair, I actually believe it is harder than an affair with some random stranger but others disagree. We had the perfect life, she was a stay at home mom, I have a great job, 2 kids, white picekt fence, two cars, you pick something we had atleast one. So I know you are asking yourself "well were is he now and how is this going to answer my question."
I am in the middle of a bitter ugly nasty divorce, fighting over kids, the house, the money, everything; I am divorcing the only woman I have ever loved ... my world has gone to hell and I am miserable.
So what is my point? Do whatever you have to make him understand that divorce is not the answer. The problems only get magnified and multiplied.
If you have truely forgiven him then make him understand that he is not totally to blame and tell him what you think you may have done to led him to the affair. Don't make excuses but let him understand he is not the only one at fault. If you want some additional advise on what I did that I later realized was a mistake PM me and I will talk to you about it.
To give you an idea of what you could be in for....
I have spent close to 20K in attorney fees, get to see my kids every other week, am going to have to refiance my home to pay her off, losing half of my retirement, half of our savings that was set aside for the kids education, basically I am 40 years old and starting from scratch again to rebuild myself to be able to retire by age 90. Also I am no closer to being divorced today than I was back in August; but the attorneys sure have made a killing.
Anyway I have gloomed and doomed long enough so I will stop here.
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Forget waiting for the storm to pass
Learn to dance in the rain
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mfergel
Platinum
Reged: 02/11/08
Posts: 1416
Loc: Richmond, VA
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I was in the same spot. We had what looked like the perfect life; nice suburban home, etc. If you love him and he loves you, go see a counselor immediately. Start telling each other what you want out of life AND where the other person fits into those plans. Ask each other what you want out of the marriage. At no point should you laugh, get upset, etc. If you are like my ex and myself, it's a total lack of communication. It sounds like there might still be a chance to save your marriage. Get rid of the kids for a night or a weekend and make yourselves vulnerable. Say things to each other that you'd never thought you'd say.
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Here I am ladies.......come and get me. :-)
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Ang22007
Platinum
Reged: 06/05/07
Posts: 293
Loc: NM
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My husband had an emotional affair almost a year ago for about 5 months. He wanted to leave me. We have been trying again since June. His words and actions at that time hurt me so bad, but when he asked for another chance, I said yes. Since then, we have made several changes, I don't regret it, not for my boys or my time that we had together. Think hard about this.
I wish you the best.
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