confused in SD
New
Reged: 03/11/08
Posts: 1
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I have been with my husband for almost 11 years (married for 7) and we have a beautiful son together. I have never really been happy with him. Never wanted to go anywhere with him, did not want to have sex with him, just didnt want him involoved in my life at all. I came close once to cheating on him but I never went through with it. this triggered me to get us some counseling. Things were good for a few months then back to where we were before. Well, my husband has a short fuse and I have asked him several times to get help for this. The last time he went off the handle, it scared the crap out of me so I asked him to move out. He was staying with his aunt when I got an email from and exboyfriend that I have not heard or seen from in over 10 years. Of course I was curious to what he has been up to and a relationship started. I felt so guilty by this that I have asked my husband for a divorce. He has no idea of what I have done nor do I think I will ever tell him but I am stuck. When I am not with my husband, I miss him terribly but once we are together, I cant wait to leave. I also fell for this other guy. I have no idea what to do. I have made an appointment to get personal counseling but I am just so confused.
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EmergeAnew
Platinum
Reged: 02/26/08
Posts: 229
Loc: IL
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Confused,
First off I am going to be quite frank with you.
The way you are feeling is the confusion that comes with being in an affair. There is nothing anybody can say to you to help you sort through the mess that you are in.
There are several things I can tell you though... #1 You did and do love your husband, OR you wouldnt have married him and you wouldnt feel guilty about what you have done, and you wouldnt be feeling torn about what to do. #2 You did want to have sex with him or you wouldnt have that beautiful son together.
Right now I see you trying to come up with justifications for your affair with this old boyfriend. I know it was not something you planned or went in search of, but through a series of small choices you ended up where you are now.
And where you are now is stuck because you are chosing to be. The relationship with your BF is fun and exciting because its new. You know what happens to new, it becomes old.
And you know why your here, your here because you know in your heart the way you truly feel for your husband. You know deep inside that you love your family, you love your son, and it kills you to walk away from that.
I can tell you this too, your situation with your BF is not going to get better, you built that relationship off of so many lies, thats not a good way to do anything, thats not a way to build a future with someone.
Your torn because you dont want to leave what you have, you might have some hard times with your husband but you havent been there for 11 years with him through thick and thin becuase its been so bad.
You want my honest advice....go to your husband, make peace with what you have done, do the things you need to do to make your marriage work, dont just expect that all the problems are your husbands and that there in nothing you can do, there are things you can do.
Read some of the stories here of people going through divorce and see the pain and heartache we are all suffering with and living through, and then know you can make your situation better.
Here is another stastic for you, 98% of all affairs end. Why? quite simply because they are affairs, they are not true long lasting loving relationships built on a good foundation built to stand the test of time. They are very shakey from the start and are doomed to fall down. Oh, and if you happen to be sitting there saying well I am different, Im in the 2% that last more than 2 years, those 2% fail within 5 years.
You have already proven that you marriage is worth much more than an affair relationship, because you have stuck it out in your marriage much longer than that.
I dont believe that you want a divorce, Confused-one. I think what you are confused about is that to go back to your husband you are going to have to face a lot of demons in your path. But I can guarantee you, the other road has just as many demons,if not more, and can be a way worse road. Not just for you, but your taking your son down that road too. Think what you are going to do to him.
Confused in SD, my prayers are with you that you are able to find your way through the darkness you are in.
--------------------
You must be the change you wish to see - Mahatma Gandhi
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1227
Gold
Reged: 09/12/07
Posts: 195
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well put just a few things to add..
1) this new exciting boyfriend was once the past and think back why. Had he been such a great catch you would have never married your husband.
2) As you put it close to having an affair. It's ok live with the almost and make sure it does not happen, cut ALL ties with the ex remember why he is an ex.
3)Even if your husband is not worth salvaging your marriage, don't start a new relationship till the old is done!!!! I can not imagine that being wise.
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allthumbs
Platinum
Reged: 07/12/07
Posts: 360
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Quote:
Confused,
First off I am going to be quite frank with you.
The way you are feeling is the confusion that comes with being in an affair. There is nothing anybody can say to you to help you sort through the mess that you are in.
There are several things I can tell you though... #1 You did and do love your husband, OR you wouldnt have married him and you wouldnt feel guilty about what you have done, and you wouldnt be feeling torn about what to do. #2 You did want to have sex with him or you wouldnt have that beautiful son together.
Right now I see you trying to come up with justifications for your affair with this old boyfriend. I know it was not something you planned or went in search of, but through a series of small choices you ended up where you are now.
And where you are now is stuck because you are chosing to be. The relationship with your BF is fun and exciting because its new. You know what happens to new, it becomes old.
And you know why your here, your here because you know in your heart the way you truly feel for your husband. You know deep inside that you love your family, you love your son, and it kills you to walk away from that.
I can tell you this too, your situation with your BF is not going to get better, you built that relationship off of so many lies, thats not a good way to do anything, thats not a way to build a future with someone.
Your torn because you dont want to leave what you have, you might have some hard times with your husband but you havent been there for 11 years with him through thick and thin becuase its been so bad.
You want my honest advice....go to your husband, make peace with what you have done, do the things you need to do to make your marriage work, dont just expect that all the problems are your husbands and that there in nothing you can do, there are things you can do.
Read some of the stories here of people going through divorce and see the pain and heartache we are all suffering with and living through, and then know you can make your situation better.
Here is another stastic for you, 98% of all affairs end. Why? quite simply because they are affairs, they are not true long lasting loving relationships built on a good foundation built to stand the test of time. They are very shakey from the start and are doomed to fall down. Oh, and if you happen to be sitting there saying well I am different, Im in the 2% that last more than 2 years, those 2% fail within 5 years.
You have already proven that you marriage is worth much more than an affair relationship, because you have stuck it out in your marriage much longer than that.
I dont believe that you want a divorce, Confused-one. I think what you are confused about is that to go back to your husband you are going to have to face a lot of demons in your path. But I can guarantee you, the other road has just as many demons,if not more, and can be a way worse road. Not just for you, but your taking your son down that road too. Think what you are going to do to him.
Confused in SD, my prayers are with you that you are able to find your way through the darkness you are in.
I found your advice and response to be excellent. And just wanted to tell you that.
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Ang22007
Platinum
Reged: 06/05/07
Posts: 282
Loc: NM
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Don't talk to the ex b/f, ex's from the past fall into "perfect", no kids, bills, cleaning, etc. I would love to live in that la la land also, but reality does bite! Bills and chores and maybe kids fall into "perfect" and day to day.....
OK, I am bitter about ex g/f/b/f. lol.
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