texannie
New
Reged: 03/12/08
Posts: 4
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I am 50 and ironically just celebrated my 24th wedding anniversary Monday. About 8 years ago, my husband took early retirement from his investment career and started a 2nd one in custom home building. It turned into a financial disaster and he slowly went through all of our savings. He did work for a company but was laid off after 6 months. That was in June. Since then he has really done nothing towards getting another job. I don't know if he is having a crisis of confidence or what. He's been making withdrawals from our IRA so we can eat. I have looked for jobs but as a 50 year old woman who was a sahm for 18 years, it's pretty tough. I found one but it doesn't pay near enough to cover our bills.
Our marriage has been rocky for a while. He is also turning into his father who is a bitter, mean, short-tempered man. I truly don't know if I could spend the rest of my life living like this, but the prospect of divorce scares me.
And, financially, if he isn't motivated to get a job while we are married, what would make him get one after divorce? How in the world would I support myself and two kids?
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undecided 72
Gold
Reged: 09/24/07
Posts: 173
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That is a tough situation. He is definately having a confidence crisis. He was successful, and decided to take a chance to live a dream. It didn't work the way he wanted. He probably took the first job that came along to get back on his feet and his confidence was hit even harder by getting laid off.
Try to understand. Try not to remind him of what went wrong, but let him know you are proud of him for taking the chance. Let him know that you both can work on overcoming the disappointment.
Don't look at his dad and assume that is what your husband will be like, it is likely just a side of his personality, none of us are perfect, and when we feel so down sometimes the rougher side comes out. If you both want it, then the current funk can be temperary and you can get back to what made it work for 24 years. Good luck,
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texannie
New
Reged: 03/12/08
Posts: 4
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thanks.
it's just this current funk has been going on for several years now. i appreciate he is having a crisis of confidence but get a job!! i am working several part time jobs trying to make ends meet (and not). but, realistically, i am not sure that i would be better off financially if we divorced.
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KGrow
Platinum
Reged: 01/27/06
Posts: 3153
Loc: Colorado
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Unless he's squandering your collective savings, which it doesn't sound like he is, you should start with the assumption that you won't be any better off financially in divorce.
I hear you're upset that you have to work hard, that your marriage has been rocky for a while and that he's in an ugly funk. Maybe that adds up to enough for you to want end a 24-year marriage. I'd move slowly and carefully. You need to find a non-confrontational way to let him in on your thinking.
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Ang22007
Platinum
Reged: 06/05/07
Posts: 299
Loc: NM
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Annie,
You were in a priveleged position to be a SAHM for 18 years, that most of us would only dream of. The job market is bad, his dream tanked and now you want to leave him?
Try to get him to seek counseling, he is obviously depressed. The stress on one spouse to make all the bills and allow that mom to stay home is huge. You should try to re-think all that he gave you for so long (not to say yours wasn't a job)and work thru this. He supported and loved you for a really long time, (as I am sure you did too). Think outside the box, look at yourself, talk, talk, talk!
Maybe couseling?
Best wishes.
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texannie
New
Reged: 03/12/08
Posts: 4
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Quote:
Annie,
You were in a priveleged position to be a SAHM for 18 years, that most of us would only dream of. The job market is bad, his dream tanked and now you want to leave him?
Try to get him to seek counseling, he is obviously depressed. The stress on one spouse to make all the bills and allow that mom to stay home is huge. You should try to re-think all that he gave you for so long (not to say yours wasn't a job)and work thru this. He supported and loved you for a really long time, (as I am sure you did too). Think outside the box, look at yourself, talk, talk, talk!
Maybe couseling?
Best wishes.
put it that way and i do sound like a b*tch.
he won't get counseling. he has ruined our credit, drained our savings chasing a dream..that wasn't really ever a dream of his until he was offered early retirement. i gladly went back to work when we needed health insurance so he could still pursue his dream. but when is enough? do i let him completely empty our IRA's as I continue to be 'supportive'? we have a child to send to college who used to have a college fund that would have paid for almost 4 years...that's gone. he isn't hiding it as he is draining our savings and getting us further into debt.
i guess this is the wrong forum for those questions. i have glady suggested we sell our home and downsize. he won't. i am doing everything i can to support him emotionally and financially.
i guess i got my original one answered..divorcing wouldn't help me financially.
Edited by texannie (03/15/08 08:38 AM)
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