Thomas Tucker
New
Reged: 03/13/08
Posts: 3
|
|
I have been married to my wife for just over 19 years. I have two great children with her. For the last year and a half my wife has been an alcoholic. The drinking is getting worse by the day, my kids (4 year old boy and 14 year old daugther) have seen her drunk and hear us argue constantly over the same issue-her drinking. I want to file for divorce, she knows because I have tried to talk to her about it for weeks. She promises to clean up and lies all the time she continues to drink. I am out of compassion and patience and just want a new life for my kids and myself... mostly for my kids. I guess my question is how will property be split up. I know AZ is a community property state. Who gets the house and child custody? Can I get her moved out without losing everything? Should I seek help from a divorce lawyer? I'm totally confused at what my next step should be. Help?
|
ttina
Platinum
Reged: 02/28/08
Posts: 398
|
|
most definately meet with a lawyer. That is the best way to have the aspects of your individual case. One thing I would suggest is counceling for you and the kids. You wife may very well spiral downward. The 14 yo will blame you and the 4 yo will just be confused. At this time it is best to be proactive instead of reactive. Good Luck and I am sorry you are in this position.
|
melanie14
Platinum
Reged: 03/11/06
Posts: 3058
|
|
What do you consider an alcoholic? Do you both work, is she a stay at home mom?
|
cubsfan
New
Reged: 03/01/08
Posts: 24
|
|
By all means, seek the advice of a lawyer. Arrange if possible for counseling for you and the kids. But take a word of advice FROM a recovering alky. YOU, nor the kids are to blame for their mom's behavior.
She is responsible for her own actions, as are you. I have seen many a couple get divorced, then reconcile once the drunk party finds sobriety. Right now it is important that you look after yourself and children. She needs to quit, for HER. If she quits for any other reason, ie. you, the kids, your marriage, etc, it won't work long term and you will be back where you are right now.
Try finding an Alanon group somewhere in your hometown. They will provide you with some interesting insight on what you can do to look out for yourself and the other members of your family. They can help you deal with your own emotions in this situation.
She will promise you the world on a platter, and then go get drunk tomorrow night. She may blame you for her alcoholism. When she hits bottom, she will either find help or she won't.
To thine own self be true.
|
KGrow
Platinum
Reged: 01/27/06
Posts: 3153
Loc: Colorado
|
|
I would like to flip cubsfan's post upside down and suggest you visit AA first and lawyer second. You need to understand that it is unlikely that she continues to drink to spite you. It may be unreasonable to ask her to stop on her own. What you need to be asking for is for her to seek help.
|
melanie14
Platinum
Reged: 03/11/06
Posts: 3058
|
|
do you love her enough to help her out?
|
cubsfan
New
Reged: 03/01/08
Posts: 24
|
|
Good suggestion. I only suggest the lawyer first to get the ball rolling, per se. I agree, she is the one that needs to go to AA, and she absolutely HAS to do it on her own.
I've watched too many people over the years come into those AA meetings with the intent of getting sober for their kids sake, or to save the job or marriage. The truth of the matter is that if the wife is not there for HER sake, then chances are, she isn't in enough pain to stop.
It has very little to do with whether the husband loves her enough to help her, it's about whether or not she has hit bottom. The husband can love (enable) her as much as a man can, but unless SHE is willing, she will never quit.
All the love in the world, all 12 steps and traditions won't matter if there is no willingness.
|
Thomas Tucker
New
Reged: 03/13/08
Posts: 3
|
|
I thank all of you for the advice. She drinks (that I know about) 3-4 times per week to the point where she staggers, slurs her speech, and the smell of alcohol permeates her skin. I see it, I smell it, and I see the end result of it on a regular basis. In fact as I type this she is laying in bed behind me passed out from drinking. I have checked her into de-tox once, called 911 once, had her taken to the hospital for help(she was released 2 hours later, considered no threat to herself). All this even after admitting the the police and doctors that she was contemplating suicide. She has been to AA meetings and come home drunk afterward. She knows that she has to quit for herself... I tell her that. But the fact is that she is destroying my family. I would much rather be rid of her than to have her continue this. I can live without a wife! I can't live without my kids! She has pushed me into a corner and as far as I see, the prospect of losing everything she ever loved and needed is not real enough to make her want to seek help for herself. I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. I'm not a bad man. I have stuck with my wife through everything that life has thrown our way. And we kicked ass together! This is way beyond what I can handle and she won't handle it. I love my wife, but I also hate her! It's a damn shame it has come to this... me asking advice on how to get away from her. I'm ashamed of myself but what is left?
|
KGrow
Platinum
Reged: 01/27/06
Posts: 3153
Loc: Colorado
|
|
My suggestion for Thomas, if you haven't already, is for you to go to an AA support group for families of alcoholics. I think it will relieve and/or focus your frustration and give you clarity on what to do next.
Edited by KGrow (03/15/08 09:28 AM)
|
ttina
Platinum
Reged: 02/28/08
Posts: 398
|
|
Thomas, you know what you can handle, you know your limit, you know your responsibilites to your children. The catalist that ended my marriage was my ex's admission that he was addicted to morphine. In our 10 year marriage, I had delt with pot, morphine, cocaine, meth, and who knows what else he did. Ohhh an alcohol. I will admit that at the end, I didn't love him. He slowly eroded any respect I had for him as a man away year after year. I cannot love a man I do not respect. I realize now that I enabled him in alot of ways that I felt was just keeping a stable home for our son. My ex asked me to call him every hour and ask him of he was using. Just three years before I had promised myself I could not go through that again and I wouldn't put my son through it again. My ex promised the same promises he'd promised before. And he was probably sincere when he made them, but he has proven to me time and time again that he can't keep these promises. Since the divorce, I hear of stories where he is still using pain pills. The only concern I have is for our son. He goes to his dad's every weekend. I will not step between them. I have stopped visitation a few times b/c my ex's house was filfthy and b/c I fet my ex was suicidal and I didn't want our son around him. Those times are few and far between. My son is also 14 and is not dependant on his father when he is there. My son blamed me when his dad had bad times... b/c w/o the anchor of his dad I was able to move my life forward and my son felt sorry for his dad being left behind. We've come beyond that now and my son sees my ex's personality for what it is, even if he doesn't know about the drug use. The next few years for my son will be crutial.... I can't ban him from his father, but I surely don't want him to think drugs are okay. Thankfully my son is independant and strong in a way his father never was.
|
Previous
Index
Next
Threaded
Edit
Reply
Quote
