Seagal
New
Reged: 03/14/08
Posts: 18
Loc: Washington State
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On Monday, I realized that my husband of 38 years is going to leave me. We were on vacation when out the blue he said that he needs a "change" and is going to move back to his home town. I am totally at a loss. I have been to a counselor who said that short term that this is a difficult period but I need to be strong for the long run. All I can focus on now is how I feel that my life and my dreams are totally changed. My husband is still in our vacation condo. I can back to work for 10 days and then fly back next week and then we were to have a last week of vacation and drive back home. He is not returning any of my calls to his cell phone nor our condo phone. I don't know if I should fly back or stay at home. I am so confused.
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overwhelmed
Platinum
Reged: 10/13/06
Posts: 1186
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It is confusing, especially in the beginning. Were you able to get him to tell you what kind of "change" he's seeking?
It's hard to say whether you should push forward or give him his space without knowing what brought all of this on. I know it's hard but you need to start focusing on YOU. Take care of yourself physically and emotionally.
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HoldingOn
Gold
Reged: 01/24/07
Posts: 124
Loc: MA
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Hi Seagal,
I'm sorry you had to find this forum but welcome. You will find there are many kind and caring people here.
I too was married 38 years when he decided he was not a happy man and wanted out. What your counselor told you is true, the early days are horrible, I remember those days and cringe. I was practically non functioning. It's a long hard road but you will make it and you will find you are stronger than you ever thought possible.
Please try to get a support system together, you need to reach out to people, don't isolate yourself. Lean on who ever you can, keep seeing your couselor. And Seagal, cry, cry and cry somemore, let it all out. I cried so much, I couldn't believe a person could have so many tears in them.
I promise you it will get better but it will take time (you will get sick of hearing that) but time does heal.
I don't know your story but no one should have to go through what you are going through right now. Please tell us your story, it does help to get it out, just writing it gives a little sense of release. The people here are waiting to help you.
Also try posting on Life After Divorce it gets alot more traffic and you'll find there are people in many different stages, it helps to see others are healing.
I'm sending you a big cyber (((((HUG))))).
Paula
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PinkRose
Platinum
Reged: 07/09/07
Posts: 1745
Loc: Not sure!!!
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Seagal, you will never be alone on this forum. It
has practically saved me. I isolated myself for
7 long months. DO NOT DO THAT.
Come to this forum. We are here for you and we will
help you anyway that we can. There are several people
whose marriages were long term like yours and they
have all survived. YOU WILL SURVIVE. Like Paula said
go to the 'Life After Divorce' forum.
We are here for you and we will help you anyway we can.
Many friendships have been made on this forum.
--------------------
I'm a living sunset... there's light in my bones. You can push me to the edge, but my will is stone!
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meemster
Platinum
Reged: 06/29/07
Posts: 371
Loc: Washington
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Hi Seagal,
I wish I could give you some good advice, but I'm at a loss, especially since he won't answer your calls. Do you have any children who could perhaps contact him and just tell him to give you a call? Neighbors? Sometimes the not knowing is worse than the actual knowing.
But know that you are not alone - my marriage ended after 30 years so I know what a shock it is to have your life completely turned upside down.
The first step is to talk to your husband and find out what is going on. Do you suspect another woman?
Come back here and post often - these wonderful people are here to help and offer support and encouragement no matter what your situation.
I will also tell you that be prepared for the rollercoaster from hell for awhile, but it DOES get better with time. You are going to find inner strengths you never knew you had and that can be a very empowering thing.
Come back and let us know what is happening. We can help you get thru this.
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sunshine
Platinum
Reged: 04/28/06
Posts: 3077
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I had 39yrs..and you as most of us long termers..really loved being married..what i didn't understand was the funny little feeling inside..that said..something is not right here..but being the time frame the 60's..who would listen?..I was told marriage was tough by his mother..that you had to put up with the "Way he was"..what about the way I felt?
I still want all those hopes and dreams..but first..I had to find out why I let that so called "normal" exist so long...you do understand that you are not the reason..I have a few books for you to consider ..I wish I would of found them before for myself..but I will give you the advantage of the wealth of knowledge that they hold..
CUT LOOSE...Nan Bauer-Maglin..mostly older women talk about the end of mostly long term marriages.
OUR TURN...Chistopher L.Hayes PHD..Deborah Anderson..Melinda Blau..this book shows that through ending a realtionship it can be the beginning of your life as a grown up woman.
CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR DIVORCE..Amy Botwinick..the road to finding your happily ever after.
TRANSFORMATIONAL DIVORCE...Karen Kahn Wilson,Ed.D. Discover yourself, reclaim your dreams and embrace life's unlimited possibilities..
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PainedPatty
Platinum
Reged: 01/28/08
Posts: 660
Loc: Southern California
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Seagal, I know exactly how you feel. It is as though you woke up on a different planet, one that allows only confusion and pain. We were also at our vacation home when he broke the news. I thought that I was going to die. Then I hoped that I would die. Now I just take it one moment at a time and allow myself to feel pleasure in the good ones. I am in communication with my husband and sometimes I think that makes it harder because every time I hear his voice I just want him to come home.
Another really good book that is helping me a lot, though not without tears, is The Age of Miracles, by Marianne Williamson.
One of the other forum members suggested that I come to this thread and talk to you. I have never even noticed the "preventing divorce" threads because my stbx made it very clear that there was no way to prevent it, so I am always on Life After Divorce, even though we haven't even filed yet.
You will find the most support you could ever imagine here. This place and these people have truly become my extended family and help me thru the awful moments and help celebrate the good ones.
I am so sorry that you had to find us, but given your circumstances, you will be very glad that did.
Patty
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Seagal
New
Reged: 03/14/08
Posts: 18
Loc: Washington State
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Thanks for all your responses! Right now I haven't heard any thing from my husband. He is not returning my calls to his cell phone nor responding to any of my email messages. I am supposed to fly back on Thurs night but I don't know whether or not I'll make the trip. Will he be there to pick me up at the airport or will I just turn around and fly on the next plane back home. I do have the name of the women that he has been seeing. Yesterday, I was going to call her and pretend that I don't know what is going on and ask her to have him call me, that his cell phone must be on the "fritz". Or I could call his family and tell them that I haven't heard from him in a few days (not normal) and have them try and reach him. He'll probably answer their calls. What I'm thinking is that he wants me to get so mad and hurt that I'll be the one to initiate the divorce and in the eyes of his family and our friends that I'm the bad guy who wants a divorce.
Decided today not to try any of the above. He knows where I am (at home and he has my numbers)
Thanks for all your responses and kind thoughts and support. I still can't belive that I found this froum from doing a "google" search. I am so fortunate!
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HoldingOn
Gold
Reged: 01/24/07
Posts: 124
Loc: MA
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Seagal,
I am so glad you decided not to call the other woman. I don't think anything good would have come from that. I think all that would have happened is you having more pain inflicted on you.
You are right not to contact him. I wish I didn't go begging and pleading. It does no good and all you do is deminish yourself in his eyes and more importantly your own eyes. Don't give your power over to him.
For a long time I was so embarrassed and humiliated by the end of my marriage. I felt, what does it say about me that I couldn't hold a 38 year marriage together. I must be a horrible, wicked shrew, etc., etc. etc. ad nauseum. Willing to take all the blame. That was wrong. I definately own my part in the problems but I was also willing to go to the wall to avoid breaking my family to bits. He wasn't. I'm no longer embarrassed, I did the best I knew at the time.
Take care of yourself physically and emotionally. Eat if you can, get as much sleep as possible. Hold on Seagal, you're in for the ride of your life.
Paula
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PainedPatty
Platinum
Reged: 01/28/08
Posts: 660
Loc: Southern California
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Paula, that was such great advice. I too kept trying to make him see that what he was doing was wrong. Well I was wrong about that too. Why would I want to humiliate myself with someone who seriously doesn't want to be with me. We are in a much better place now, and I am accepting that we shouldn't be together unless we both want it.
Seagal, under no circumstances should you call the "other woman" or his family. If his family cares about you, they will be in touch. I am actually having dinner tonight with my stbx's 98 year old father.
I also hope that you don't take that flight this week. It will probably only lead to more pain.
I didn't eat or sleep for the first few weeks after he left and due to the "divorce diet" lost quite a few pounds that I have been wanting to lose forever. Now I am eating healthily and while I do need some help with the sleeping part, I am not waking up at 3 a.m. anymore.
I promise you that it will get better. It won't get great for a long time, but it will get much better.
Please feel free to PM me if you want. I know that some of the PMs that I receive mean the world to me.
Patty
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