siobhan
New
Reged: 03/10/08
Posts: 8
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I finally talked to husband about the way he's been talking trash about me to his family. Even after I spent three weeks with them 24/7 during their mother's death and funeral. I've taken years of emotional and verbal abuse and even some physical and just begun to realize how awful it is (I've quietly begun meeting with a lawyer). My own mother died in the exact same circumstances only a year before and he did nothing for my family during HER lingering death (well, he did cook dinner one night -- he is "the kitchen god", he tells me this often).
Anyway, he's been raging at me non-stop since her death a year because he felt I hadn't done enough and for a helluva alot of other nonsense. I was the one who talked to the nurses and doctors for them. I was the one who nudged the family (seven stunned siblings and a shocked 84 year old immigrant father) into acceptance. I was the one who held them as the fell to pieces. I was there every day except the morning after, when I stayed at the hotel to rest. And for this he was FURIOUS. His big comment "what do you want, a halo?"
So I told him how brutalizing the whole experience was and how it had ripped open the still fresh wounds of my own mother's death. How I had done it because after the immense pain of my mother's death, and how much love and respect I had for his mother (she truly was a wonderful woman -- she never knew what a her son was) I truly wanted to spare them any tiny bit of pain I could.
He did apologize. And then seconds later he attacked me on something different. Recently he told me that his sister had called me demanding and selfish. He insists that I had "made him" tell me that. He repeated that very emphatically today. Saying that I "wanted" to know that and that "You NEED to know that YOU MADE me tell you that. I did NOT want to tell you that."
I started keening and crying while he walked away. Why do I even try? Why? Why? Sometimes I just want to burn the house down and run and run......
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OutOfControl
New
Reged: 03/04/08
Posts: 8
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You are a victim. He is an abusive person. I have no idea how these people become this way. I don't get it. WTF?? Anyway, get out as fast as you can. Leave him and find a truly loving person to be with. they are out there. We just need to find them.
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faith4two
Platinum
Reged: 11/11/07
Posts: 353
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Siobhan, I can relate. My STBX has never lost anyone to whom he was close, so deaths on my side of the family have been a crap shoot as to what his response was going to be.
A few years ago, when my grandmother lie in a hospital 800 miles away dying from a stroke, my stepmom said, "Your dad needs you now." I didn't spend a lot of time explaining to the STBX before I was packing the car. She died the next morning as I was putting the last minute items in my car.
The STBX gave me the cold shoulder. The day of the funeral, also my Dad's 60th birthday, I called after the graveside service and the STBX screamed at me as to how I'd abandoned him and our toddler.
The day after the funeral, I drove the 800 miles back. On the way into town, I called and made a reservation at a local hotel - to spend a few one-on-one hours JUST with the STBX to have some intimacy in a different setting. We couldn't necessarily afford it at the time, but I felt it was necessary after spending that time apart. Yeah, we were intimate, but within minutes of being done, he was yelling at me again for having left so abruptly for my grandmother's funeral.
I found his response to be so insensitive, and so selfish. It's not like you can PLAN ahead for death and dying. It's not like you can just tell the family that raised you to buzz off.
And I, like you, put my life on hold as my stepson lie in a head trauma ICU that same year. I put a major work project on hold for a week until we knew the kid was out of the woods. I put in 80 hours the week after in order to meet a deadline because of the time I'd missed. It was never enough. EVER.
Only YOU can do the inventory and assess whether you did the right thing for the right reasons. And it sounds to me like you did what a partner should do in times of tragedy, just as I felt did. Seemed no one saw, remembered or recollected whose arms were there to hold everyone else as they shed their own tears. Yet none were there for me. And I, too, was considered selfish to expect it.
Being on the back side of separation and downhill of divorce, I now have someone by my side who when the going gets tough, he doesn't say much, but extends both arms, expresses his appreciation for my mere presence, allows me to feel and cry my heart out if necessary, has an unwielding supply of hankies, and I know this is how it SHOULD be.
Let this be a moment of truth to you. You're better off without him.
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sunshine
Platinum
Reged: 04/28/06
Posts: 3077
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Here's a match...I can't even begin to tell you how right you are about him..I kept looking for the switch in X..he had to have one..X never acted as a human being..completely heartless and ridged..almost mechanical certainly no one with a heart and soul would ever think of acting that way...very much like yours.
Don't even bother trying to figure him out..somethings are best left alone presumablely to rot in their own evil bile..if you stay it will just eat at you..like it did me...it didn't matter what I was..or how good it was because of me..they just plain don't give a dam..leave and soon
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