Divorce Support Forums: Scared. How Do I Tell Him I'm Gone?

Boothby is right. A local domestic violence shelter or advocate (look at a police station or prosecutor's office) might be able to point you in the right direction.

What you are looking for is someone to help you with what's called a "safety plan". This will include things like where the kids go (pets if you have no kids and are worried about the animals), where YOU will go, how to get there, how you will afford it, what stuff you will take, and whether you'll need or get an order of protection, whether you'll ahve him served before you leave or whether you tell him htat you're going to have him served before you leave. Also, they will probably help you figure out where to get and keep copies of important documents and papers to prove what you own or what you should have a right ot have a share of... like any 401Ks or IRAs or credit cards. The house and cars are pretty easy to get documents on (they'rey public record) but getting proof of retirement accounts requires that you know they exist and what financial institutions they are in... and the more you know, about account numbers & etc., the better. You'll also want your passport, birth certificate, etc., to be in a safe place.

And for your own peace of mind, you might like a plan to remove your own personal mementos and heirlooms so that they're not part of a bonfire on the day you leave.

A safety plan might also include getting a free cellphone tuned into the 9-1-1 system (and ONLY the 9-1-1 system) just in case... especially if he's the type of man who has expressed his anger by cutting your communications...

Don't feel embarassed or shy about going forward with asking for professional help about this. Better safe than sorry. There does not have to be current physical abuse for it to be dangerous. My husband's ex wife did not have to continue to hit him in the last few years of the marriage. She had control over him and so she knew how to stick it to him so that he would not defy her (until the day he walked out). She had accused and abused him for years until he acquiesced to every demand, and because they have kids, they have to remain in touch, and when you see the two of them in the same room together, you can see remnants of it. My husband refused to call himself abused, though he could see that no human should ever be treated the way this woman treated him. and he pooh-poohed that the physical abuse he suffered at her hands was meaningful, because he's a man and she's a small woman and any hitting or biting was ineffectual... he's a strong man with character and would never lift a finger against a woman, so the idea of retaliating was ridiculous to him. he still cannot see himself as a victim even though she would jump on him from behind, hit, bite, slap. And the non-physical stuff was worse, demeaning, demoralizing, dehumanizing him. Calling him a spineless worm, telling the kids that he was a servant, not a man, not a father, he was there to cook and clean for them, provide her with money to have fun with them with, and to do as she told, but otherwise they needn't pay attention to him. They didn't listen to her, but the fact that she said it was abusive.

And your husband is abusive to be implying that horrible things will happen to your beloved pets if you leave. He no longer has to hit or slap or push or wahtever other things he did to you... he has you in control, he doesn't need to actually do anything any longer.

You do not need to actually feel present danger in order to make it worth goign to a professional about this.

Heck, even if you're exaggerating and he's right and you're crazy and he's not a danger, what harm could it do to find a way out that makes you feel safe? Go... call the local shelter adn ask for help in making a safety plan for your separation.