Divorce Support Forums: women: is there any answer that would comfort you?

You're looking at apples & oranges here. If you want to do what will keep her happy & make her understand without hurting her, you may give up some strategic advantage in negotiating a perfect settlement in your favor. You ever hear the term "can't have it all?", well, this is one area where you can't. If you fudge and tell her that you think it's all her disability and she can't help it and you are only making it worse and maybe she can only get better without your help, then you are giving up some advantage in proving that she is somehow at fault for her own situation and therefore deserves less in ongoing spousal support.

You have to make the decision on how to proceed, whether to do it the humane way, with apologies and niceties & etc., or whether you want to position yourself for maximum personal benefit. Think of the situation that most people in fender benders are faced with these days... they think twice about jumping out of their cars to APOLOGIZE to each other, for fear that their apology will be used against them by an oppositional stranger who wants to sue them in the near future. Yet the lack of this personal nicety is exactly what goads some strangers into becoming oppositional and suing each other these days.

Or the crazy situation of a shopper slipping & twisting an ankle in a store... all of a sudden the store's loss prevention team is all over the shopper, refusing to acknowledge responsibility for the event but promising to pay for a trip to get it x-rayed if only she promises to never contact a lawyer & sue them... refusing to apologize but acting coldly polite and businesslike to a shopper whose day has been ruined by the surprise of becoming injured. And any witnesses to the event who might have been inclined ot help or apologize are being kept away from the poor, injured shopper. It becomes an ordeal.

YOu are now in the same situation as the driver who wants to apologize or the loss prevention personnel who need to prepare for possible litigation. How long can you walk the tightrope of keeping her feeling good while never admitting a single thing that's going to hurt you? I KNOW you are a very controlled person and do not say things that have not been carefully thought through, but no one can keep that tight control for very long.

And if it helps, on the issue of her disability, you would RATHER her be addicted-disabled than physically incapacitated by her accident or emotionally incapacitated by a slow disintegration of her emotional status during the marriage (or because of the marriage). Insofar as addictions and disability are concerned, the world is less willing to accomodate and compensate an addict.

Truthfully, responsibility most emotional situations (including addictions) SHOULD be put squarely on the shoulders of the sufferer. Except maybe a clear case of post traumatic stress disorder, or (like a cousin of mine) a mental disorder brought on by an improperly prescribed course of treatment... which would be the fault of the person creating the stress or the doctor committing malpractice... a person with an emotional disorder is BEST served by making them take responsibility for their illness. It is NOT well-served by allowing them to blame it on others (Mom was not nurturing enough or their parents' divorce was stressful) and by making certain they buck up & resolve their issues on their own. AFTER the thing they say is responsible (your wife's accident) is over with, the world SHOULD say that she needs to handle the emotional stress of it herself, through counseling or whatever, and NOT become a strain on the system (via disability) or you (via alimony)... THIS would be the proper way to motivate her to resolve her issues.

BUT the world is not ready to accept that as a proper treatment plan for most people... and would rather allow people to excuse thier issues by blaming whoever or whatever.

STILL... ADDICTIONS is one of the few ways where it is perfectly acceptable to make the person be responsible for their own disability. Yes, you need to pursue the docs who are over-prescribing, but you are very lucky in THIS portion of your wife's issues, if you blame this on her ADDICTION, it is HIGHLY unlikely that anyone will make you pay for that.

I still don't agree that you should get hung up on whether you will be blamed for this stuff and will wreck your position if you HONESTLY resolve this while trying to leave her in some comfort. I truly believe that a LOT fo times, people would not find themselves in such oppositional, litigious situations if they had only taken the time to apologize.

I've been in a situation, professionally, to throw myself on the sword and take the blame many times for things, usually out of my control, sometimes in the control of an assistant or employee. I have found that standing up and accepting blame and being willing to fix problems has gotten me OUT of more ... for lack of a better term, "jackpots"... than it's gotten me into.

But you have to realize there is no perfectly formulated way that you can manage, no careful tightrope that you can walk, which will ensure a favorable solution for everyone.

I guess part of what I'm saying is that divorce sux. It's never good. It can be LESS AWFUL, but it's NEVER GOOD. EVERYONE loses, EVERYONE has to compromise, and if you refuse to compromise, the court will see to it that you lose more... There is no perfect plan, no amount of preparation, that will make it go right.

You can't have it all, be the nice guy who never hurts his wife, while at the same time walking out and leaving her with as little as possible to live off of. The two things are mutually exclusive.

I'm glad that you're trying, but you have to understand, there are no decisions on how to ease the blow to her which will not somehow POTENTIALLY affect your wallet.