ilovemykids
New
Reged: 03/18/08
Posts: 5
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Very simple issue to resolve. Take him into custody conciliation and have the agreement modified to read as follows. The custodial parent will have the children call the non custodial parent at a certain time each day. This way each of you gets your appropriate phone calls from the children. Enforcing this type of agreement is a different story, difficult but not impossible. In the agreement have the phone number for them to call you at to be your cell number. If you don’t get your phone calls just make notes in you daily parent log (you do have one of those I hope) get your phone records together make copies of them. After about 2 or 3 months of him not complying with the order send him the proof you have with a nice note that if continues to be in contempt of the custody order you will have no choice but to take him to court for contempt of the custody agreement. With all of that, said try not to be petty if you miss a phone call here or there.
I had the same type of problem, STX Blocked my phone, My parent’s phone, my girl friends phones, pay phones near my place, my work phones. I provided the children with a cell phone she wouldn’t let them have it, everything she did I just had to be that much smarter then her. It took a lot of work but now my kids call me every night and two times on the weekend. it’s a shame that one parent would try to alienate the other parent, but it happens, usually because one parent is unhappy that the other left. The point is you have the right to speak with your children don’t let anyone try to take it away.
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stars79
New
Reged: 03/19/08
Posts: 5
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Maybe you ex has a family too. Did you stop to think how your phone calls could be upset his family. This is his time. Back of and let him have it.
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ilovemykids
New
Reged: 03/18/08
Posts: 5
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[quote]Maybe you ex has a family too. Did you stop to think how your phone calls could be upset his family. This is his time. Back of and let him have it. [/quote]
Who cares if it upsets his family? It’s not about his family it’s about the children and the relationship between them and the parents. People over look the fact when parents split up the children should have an open line of communication with both parents and both parents should be considerate and encourage the relationship with each other. I find it very sad and despicable that one parent would try to cut off communication with the other from the children. A parent like that deserves to have the children taken away from them and maybe then they would see what it is like to be with out the constant contact with their children. Parents like that only think of themselves
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juliacinaz
Platinum
Reged: 02/03/08
Posts: 913
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OMG! I totally agree! My ex calls everyday 5 to 10 times if I don;t answer! It drives me nuts! It is interrupting and it is all about the adult's feelings not about the child. My daughter could care less....he interupts dinner, bath time etc. Last Thanksgiving he kept her on the phone for an hour during the Macy's day parade! I could NEVER get him to watch with us when we were married! It is a tradition in my family to watch that parade and have coffee etc.
Quit calling...back off and let him have his time. Just my opinion...I know it hurts but you gotta let go.
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EmergeAnew
Platinum
Reged: 02/26/08
Posts: 229
Loc: IL
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It is important to give your children permission to have a loving, satisifying relationship with each parent. Choosing to adopt ways of staying in touch which limit the other parent in ways that you would not accept for yourself always breeds hostility and causes problems.
Remember that children change -- and so do parents.
It is very important for children to maintain contact and open communication with both parents. And both parents should have reasonable access to their children. It is not reasonable that a parents should be asked to go 60 days without communicating with their children.
And in reference to the summer camp comparison, the stress of divorce and the impact that has on a child cannot be the same as being sent away to summer camp knowing that their happy healthy loving family is at home. When dealing with the stress of divorce and dealing with your parents living in separate places, children do not fully understand everything that is going on. Often children do not understand a sense of time, and further might not understand when if ever they will see the other parent again.
It is important for the children to maintain relationships with family on moms side and dads side, however those relationships do not trump the relationships between the kids and the mom and dad.
As a healthy and well adjusted parent, keeping reasonable communication with your child is a healthy part of daily life and making sure that your child can heal, and thrive, and be well adjusted through this difficult time.
As a previous poster had stated, the conversations with your child while with the other parent should be light-hearted and make your child feel good, your child should not walk away from the conversation feeling anything but good about where they are and what they are doing. No matter how much you might be struggling with the seperation, your child should not have to deal with your struggle. But instead have the reassurance that you love them and that you are glad they are having such a great time!
The statements some of you have posted about getting over not talking with your child and having reasonable communication with your child cut-off, I am really wondering where you are at in life. Choosing to cut off your own communication with your child is not healthy, and it is equally disturbing that you find it ok to cut off the other parents reasonable communication with their child.
You did not divorce your children, your X-spouse did not divorcee the children. The relationship that you each had with the children prior to the divorce is what is to be maintained as best can be after the divorce.
Saying "no you cant talk to them, your intruding on my life too much" is downright outrageous. If your child is watching a movie when the parent calls - hit pause, or polietly answer the phone and say, the movie will be over in 20 minutes can I have the kids call you back then?
If your out to lunch with your family, do the same....we will be done with lunch in 20 minutes can i have them call you back then? OR establish a good calling time ahead of time, if you know you will be home and 8pm works well for you, ask the other parent to call at 8pm.
As a responsible loving parent you should want to promote the best relationship possible between the kids and both parents.
Toss your personal feelings about your X out the window, what matters here is what the kids feel about their parents. And I dont really think that kids care about what is inconvenient, it only becomes an issue with them when you the parent make it an issue and then they start to feed into that. If you make things ok for them they will be much happier and well adjusted in the long run.
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You must be the change you wish to see - Mahatma Gandhi
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faith4two
Platinum
Reged: 11/11/07
Posts: 353
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I hit respond to Jada, although the response I have is somewhat generic, but on topic to this thread.
This subject unnerves me greatly. There was a time leading up to the separation in which I had an overnight travel schedule for work - less than 20%. At the time, it was a constant battle to work with the STBX to say "look, sitting a speakerphone down next to the bathtub and then walking out of the room for twenty minutes while she's splashing around, combined with the echo of the bathroom walls isn't working". We tried a few different things, but there was always some excuse as to why he couldn't partner in that evening contact and would leave a then 5 year old alone with the phone. If she wasn't in the bath, she was likely to sit the handset down and walk into the other room as I sat on the other end talking to empty space.
It bugged me to no end that he wouldn't take the time or inclination to work with her on basic phone manners. He gave up within the first few weeks of trying to work with her so we could do web conferencing. It was just too much of a hassle - to him.
Since separation, I've thought it nothing but reasonable to be consistent with a nightly phonecall. I did it for over a year during those times when I would travel. The only difference now is that I'm gone every night, instead of the average once a week.
I'm lucky these days if he answers once per visit with him (we're on a 50/50 schedule). He rarely calls at all, and then talks about what the puppy is doing, and how the dog misses her. I'm lucky, when I call, if she says anything other than "I don't want to talk right now." I'm lucky if I get the words in "I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you and that I love you." I don't say anything to aggravate her, to pry, or to dig into what she's done that day. She will usually share that on her own time and terms when she has come back to me. Casual conversation is fine when we are one on one. When she's with Dad, it's a whole different ballgame.
But the fact that I call once a day, get voicemail, and rarely get to speak to her, and when I do, she's downright rude (and he passively stands for it), annoys me to no end. I've resolved myself to the fact that it is the way it is, and that I do it because it's the right thing to do. If the day ever comes where she ASKS me why I never called, I'll have the cellphone records handy to say "Baby, I called you every single night...." and let her determine what she things about it all.
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lettinggo
Platinum
Reged: 06/05/07
Posts: 591
Loc: Michigan
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Phone calls can be a big pain in the butt...I agree. But I also agree that they are a necessary part of being seperated/divorced. My ex calls our son every night. At first I HATED it, I felt like he was interfering with MY time with our son. But as time went on, I realized he missed our son too and by calling him every night, it made him feel like he was closer to our son. Even tho my ex has a long way to go, especially when it comes to the time he spends with our son, I look at it this way...He has our son every other weekend and gets him Wednesdays for a few hours. He has never fought me for any more time with him, mainly because that would interfere with his personal life, so if he is taking that extra step to call our son every night, then more power to him. Sometimes I think people just have their priorites messed up and think only of themselves, unfortunatley, it's the kids that pay the price for it. So try looking at the phone calls as a "good" thing, even tho they can be a pain. I still have times when I don't answer the phone, like when he calls at 9 or 9:30 at night and our son is already in bed. I think that's a little to late to be calling and I've told him this. But when I don't answer, I usually have my son call his dad back in the morning before he goes to school. My ex is fine with that and it keeps everything on the norm for my son.
Hang in there, it will get easier, I PROMISE!!!
Jenn
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Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go
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