mom2kaesie
New
Reged: 02/26/08
Posts: 11
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Ok so, I had a baby Mar 21 with a man I've been living with. My ex and I are not divorced but have been separated for over 2 years. Tell me why my daughter's father's name can't go on her birth certificate because I'm still married? My ex is not her father. I'm sure many babies are born to married but separated women by new men. My boyfriend is very upset because of this. What can I do to get it on there? Right now it says unknown. She does have his last name though.
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mistake#2
Platinum
Reged: 07/19/06
Posts: 3116
Loc: Florida
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Because you are legally married, the baby's father is presumed to be your husbands. Regardless if it is or not that is the way it works.
Once all the legal stuff is done and it's been proved that the stbx is not the father and an affadavit of parentage has been completed by your boyfriend than his name can easily be added on.
Although I wasn't married when I had my first child, her father was not at her birth and I left the father slot blank...7 years later we had his name added and changed her last name from my maiden name to his last name. It was easy and a minimal cost to do the changes.
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**4 weeks to go**
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faith4two
Platinum
Reged: 11/11/07
Posts: 353
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In TX, same thing - STBX is presumed father (or whoever you were married to in the period of 300 days leading up to the birth). In TX, STBX needs to sign Denial of Paternity, bio father needs to sign Acknowledgement of Paternity.
If STBX will not sign Denial of Paternity just because he wants to be uncooperative, there are ways to work around this. Contact the local Child Support office. When he starts getting bills for his portion of the medical expenses and notification of an obligation to pay child support, I'm betting he'll sign....
Got caught by this one myself. Was told by not ONE but TWO different attorneys "put the bio father on the B.C. Application, sign it, and you're golden." It didn't work out that way at the hospital, and had to leave paternity blank - at least for the time being. Now, it's off to have a chat with our new friends at the Child Support office....
Nothing like a little motivation from the state to get this straightened out.
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mom2kaesie
New
Reged: 02/26/08
Posts: 11
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I think it's BS. My ex and I weren't married when our daughter was born and had no trouble putting his name on her BC. Also, I guarantee if he went out and got a girl pregnant while we are still married his name would go on that baby's BC. I do plan on getting divorced but it's very expensive and I have a lot of other things to pay for and not getting child support. But all those other things like DNA to prove he's her dad is very expensive and not needed. He would sign paternity acknowledgement.
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mom2kaesie
New
Reged: 02/26/08
Posts: 11
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I didn't know of the denial letter. I will check into that. Thank you! I kinda didn't want stbx to know cause this would blow his head up big time but my daughter's bc having a father listed is more important.
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faith4two
Platinum
Reged: 11/11/07
Posts: 353
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Yeah, I hear you... about the "what's more important" aspect of things. At this point, we're having to adopt that which we hold in our arms as more important than the piece of paper, which we WILL get straightened out and amended, etc. It's just the tedium of government beuracracy (sp?) that makes me groan with displeasure. ;)
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 4779
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Your situation is not as common as you think. Most people get divorced before they start looking to create a new family with a new mate. And you're right, your husband would have reason to be furious over this, and that's why. Generally, when you're married to someone and feel the need to keep secrets from him, it's often because SOMETHING is wrong, SOMEWHERE in the relationship. And in this case, as much as your new baby is a wonderful gift, you were wrong to not take care of the paperwork of your first marriage before moving on to the second.
As of now, your husband is presumed to be that baby's father, because that's one of the things that marriage does, it automatically makes the babies born to be the babies of the husband. In name, only. There are a lot of men out there who are outraged at this situation because they find out that their wives had sex with other men (NOT openly, as you have done) and created new babies that they defrauded thier husbands into accepting as their own, and they're calling it "paternity fraud".
It's not a good system from either side, but what is the alternative, create a system where every baby born, even those IN a marriage, has to be proven to be the husband's before the law will require him to support it?
For you, just get the paperwork done with so you can move on and not have this. Whatever was the reason for your not doing it until now, you have to decide if it's worth it, for your new relationship to not be recognized, to be considered adultery in the eyes of the law, for your new baby to be considered the child of the man you're still married to. If your reasons for not getting divorced are starting to seem unimportant, then the solution is to just do it. But if you want to stay married for whatever reasons, recognize that this choice will affect your children and your status with your live-in lover. Being maried is a legal designation and has legal implications that you're only now seeming ot understand.
I find it odd that no one suggested to you at some point in this past 2 years that it might be a good idea to go through the paperwork of getting divorced so that you could start this new family without the old husband still legally tied to you! I mean, at the very least, what about your boyfriend? I think he'd have said something at some point in the past 10 months! What did he think of having a baby with a married woman and didn't he try to help you get through the divorce?
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faith4two
Platinum
Reged: 11/11/07
Posts: 353
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Gigi, I'm not oblivious to the implications of my decisions to this point. Could have done some things differently, no doubt, but the adultery aspect of my relationship with the BF is pretty nominal in comparison to the other issues which have painted the landscape of the D with the STBX, which is nearing a year old since filing.
Speaking of, it's been almost a year now since the original petition was filed. The state tends to focus on making a temporary custody decision at the first court date. The STBX and I made some agreements at that time in lieu of a temporary hearing, and in creating that situation, the STBX has taken some liberties (ie. broken some laws) that do not paint him in a very decent light and have potentially caused him irreparable damage in a temporary custody hearing setting, as well as a final settlement.
Since October, pretty much everything has been on hold pending an investigation at which he is the center. And the longer we have a 50/50 arrangement with the child, his numerous bogus claims of my unfitness as a mom have been refuted.
Adultery aside, I actually weighed the options of pro-life vs. pro-choice in my divorce, and opted pro-life. The BF has been immovable in supporting me in the D. No matter what flaming arrow the STBX has launched, the BF is steadfast. In spite of the challenges which have been created as a result of our decisions, we still live much less stressful lives as we are able to sit down with a set of variables and figure out the plan of attack to get through the challenge. AND, in the case where it's out of our collective control, as in the STBX's responses and actions, we find a way to accept that and work around. It's better and much less stressful than the emotional turmoil either of us dealt with in our previous relationships.
All of this is neither here nor there. BF and I both thought we had done due diligence in researching the paternity equation thoroughly - he with his attorney, and I with mine. We either misunderstood what we were told, or were given bad information. Can't do much to change that now, other than back track and jump through the appropriate hoops to get it resolved. And surprisingly, the STBX has come through today with the answer that he WILL sign the denial of paternity, which we both find shocking. But no matter how you slice that onion, there's nothing in it for the STBX to NOT deny paternity...
Our main concern was ensuring we would be able to obtain medical coverage from the BF's employer. After making a series of calls today, we have been able to figure out how to make that happen, even without the birth certificate reflecting his name as the bio dad.
All's well that ends well. :)
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 4779
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OK, good that the divorce is on it's way, but it's on hold pending some investigation?
I guess part of my concern was that you seemed more interested in getting the name right on the birth certificate, and there's a whole lot of reasons for the husband to be what they call the "putative' father (hte one on the birth certificate & officially the father) when a child is born & the people are not divorced, so I guess part of my concern is that being frustrated about that part of the bureaucracy is not effective...
Now I'm not certain the renunciation of paternity would work, but one thing I know you could do is to file a separate case for determination of paternity, termination of parental rights against your husband, and a determination of paternity & support/adoption against your boyfriend... You might even be able to do the two things simultaneously in the same case and have the husband renounce paternity at the same time as the boyfriend accepts it and the court would be all happy that there is an adult male who agrees to accept responsibility for the baby now and forever and it would be a done deal. It's a filing fee & a pain in the neck, but if someone ever says the renuncation of paternity is not enough, you can just go through the formal court process of determining paternity officially (no need for a DNA test if neither father says they want it), and have it decided in court once & for all.
On the other hand, if all you want is stuff like insurance & certainty that the husband won't decide to show up & try to be a father to the kid just to mess with you, then there are ways to do that which don't necessarily involve changing anything on the birth certificate, and I guess you've figured most of that out. Like talking to his employer.
Some employers, if there's no marriage, will even allow YOU on his insurance as a life partner, though most will disagree with doing this is there's a current marriage partner in the picture... they don't much want ot accept responsibility for people who are alerady covered by someone else's insurance, you know?
I'll bet you both are anxious to get the divorce over with. What's the hold up on that? I'd think after a year that someone would have at least given you a DATE to resolve it.
I'm kind of a stickler on getting the paperwork of divorce over with becasue I met a man once who asked me out and ... well, when we met, I was not aware, and no one in our group was aware, that he was still married. He'd been living here for like 5 years and he talked about his Ex who lived a thousand miles away. I only found out that she was not officially his ex after we were several months into our dating.
It was an odd situation, he seemed to think it made no difference, but apparently his wife was calling from time to time, thinking that things would resolve themselves and they'd maybe get back together. As soon as I knew he was still MARRIED and apparently his wife was also hanging on, there was no way I was going to contninue to date him... but like I said, we were several months into dating so it was kind of awkward. He didn't know how to file or where, and couldn't figure out what to do with the property he'd left back there (like, DUH... at this point you've abandoned it)... and he was upset at losing her insurance and having to give up part of his retirement account. And she had apparently run up a lot of debt in his absence and now he had to pay for it. There were a lot of little surprises along the way to his getting divorced. I was no longer dating him at that point but I heard all about it because we're part of the same social circle.
What I never understood was why he didn't get it up front that he really needed to FINISH this, to take the steps to do so, before trying to move onto the next stage of his life. Like what was he hoping to do with me? Move in without a commitment? Not a chance. Mingle financial futures when he was still tied to someone who was running up his debt? RIIIIIGHT. Impress my family as someone who could or should become a welcome guest when he's still got a WIFE in another state? Oh yeah, right. That'll work.
He had thought it was just a stupid little piece of paper, and when it came down to it, GETTING that piece of paper seemed overwhelming & full of trouble. In the process, it seemed he'd lost half of everything he bragged about having accumulated in his life. Not that THINGS matter to me, but when he says, "I own this and I'm That far saved up for retirement", I did not expect that he was hoping to cut off some other woman's own future in order to KEEP the whole amount he was claiming he owned & had saved. It FELT... well, wrong. And over time I came to the realization that he had handled his separation from his wife the way he handled other things in life... generally negligent. And that was not what I wanted in my own life.
So I'm a little quick to the trigger when I hear of people talking of moving on before a divorce so casually. I think it's definitely worth always mentioning things like that the divorce has been filed and is hung up, and things such as that, because there are too many people out there who take these things way too casually. It's clear now that you are NOT one of those, but I'd hate for people to read what you have to say and then point at it & say, "see, this is normal, everyone does it", and then use that to justify ignoring their own paperwork in life... well, in a way, my boyfriend several years ago did just that. He looked around him, saw that others were doing this (at least that's what he thought, becasue people don't tell the whole story, like you didn't at first), and just used it as an excuse for his being negligent in his own paperwork.
So. Has your lawyer given you a clue how long you're going ot have to wait on this?
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faith4two
Platinum
Reged: 11/11/07
Posts: 353
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Gigi,
On the "the whole truth": This is an area where I opt to stick with minimum data due to attorney/client privilege. Based on what has transpired thus far in my proceedings, I've learned that the attorney/client privilege is mine to violate, not necessarily the attorney's. Posting in a public forum, if it is ever linked back to me could be a written documentary in that regard.
On the birth certificate: the name vs. paternity are two different things to fill out on the birth certificate application. I can fill out the app to name a child with whatever name I select; however, paternity is a different ballgame due to the marital status. The newborn's name is that of the bio father, it's just that due to the legal limitations of family law code in our state, I could not list paternity as the biological father WITHOUT including the Denial and Acknowledgement of Paternity forms from both men. I was forced to fill out the app with no paternity establishment, and the Denial/Acknowledgement forms can be submitted to amend the birth certificate at a later date. That's how it works in my state.
No need to go to the extreme of opening a CS case against the BF as a means of establishing paternity. It's a bit of a radical and overkill move when we both know and need no further proof. The only people this would satisfy would be the court, and/or the STBX. The courts don't necessarily NEED that proof, and it's none of the STBX's business.
You mentioned speaking to the STBX's employer regarding insurance. I almost choked with laughter on this one. The ONLY insurance my STBX ever had was via my employer the entire time we were together.
Domestic partners are sometimes covered under a company's insurance policy. It's a designation under the group policy. My mom, my BF and my COBRA coverage are all from the same insurer. Mom has domestic partner coverage, BF and I do not. We've checked into this already.
So, the final question has to do with the investigation and how much longer this is going to take? The investigation was delayed by a few months in getting paperwork and funding lined up to the private entity who is performing the investigation. It is currently underway, even though the judge's decision to conduct the investigation transpired before the holidays!
While I do want finality so I can move on with my life, there are advantages to me as the days and months tick off the clock.
Most divorce settings involve a temporary hearing to establish custody as the FIRST item on the agenda before moving forward with property division, etc. This temp custody hearing is what has yet to transpire in the past year!
The investigation results should determine what the next steps are. The results impact every other aspect of the divorce case - including the settlement.
This has actually worked to my advantage. Had a temp custody decision been made on the set of circumstances which existed at the time of separation, I'd have been screwed over in a variety of ways without much recourse. So while it seems extreme to be a year down the road and not much farther down the path of divorce other than filing, I am grateful that things have transpired the way they have. There is absolutely NO question about "primary caregiver" now, or at least whilest our child is with me. I'm doing 99.9% of it. He can't make the same claims as he relies heavily upon his parents (and always has, even prior to separation).
Time is on my side, and it's been a slow and tedious process. The BF and I realize that patience and perseverance is what is going to see us to the other side, and we just take it one day at time....
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