Divorce Support Forums: Wanting to be fair

You have been doing most of the work but she now has most of the savings, your work has contributed to her PhD which is almost finished so she should be more than capable of earning her keep from now on, and all you're asking is that you get to keep your own 401K, which is less than hers, and sell the house eventually? And you're still somehow thinking you're going to owe her $$ so you think a career assessment might be worth it?

Good grief! You're being a little too fair unless there's more to teh story. She'll be a PhD soon, time to stop being a professional student & start pulling her own weight. If the 401ks were earned during the amrriage, they shoudl be split evenly, or use an offset of the equity from the house as soon as it sells to pay you off and let her keep her own 401Ks that are bigger than yours. So you'll end up with more cash from the home equity, less 401k, and your ongoing career. She'll end up with a PhD (plenty enough to support herself on) both her 401Ks, and a little less home equity cash because she is keeping the 401Ks.

Does she even WANT alimony? I mean, you've paid for her PhD. Yeah, I'm sure she got grants & such, but you supported her through it while she was not working so much. If she does not want alimony, who needs a career assessment, both go your own ways. if she does, she's crazy & needs someone to talk some sense into her.

What would you (and she) be able to expect if someone assessed her ability to get a career with her bright, shiny new PhD? I assume it would be that she could probably manage to become self-supporting... otherwise, why bother getting the degree? It's a lot of work to go through just to be a leech off someone else. I know some recent grads are afraid of being unable to support themselves and particular PhD students are really going to miss the atmoshpere of academia, but that doesn't mean you should be required to continue to support her.

Check first and see why she might think she needs alimony, or IF she thinks she needs it at all. Find out how much she thinks she needs, and if it's negligible, enough to get her through graduation, then save yourself the price of a career evaluation & court battle over a few bucks. Otherwise, if she's going to be unreasonable and wants a life of leisure and continued status as a professional student, fight it tooth & nail!

Let us know mroe details, though, and we'll maybe have some specific suggestions on what is positive and/or negative about her position and yours.

Oh, P.S. sell the house as soon as practicable. Don't support her to stay in it indefinitely just to keep the peace.

Some of what you're saying sounds a little like a wounded bear who is trying to chew off his foot to get out of the trap, but you'll want that foot for the next step of your life. Calm down and think, Mr. Bear, you may be able to find a way out of that bear trap without chewing your foot off in the process