Divorce Support Forums: New Family Member!

WolRon gets his fair share of criticism for being abrupt, whether he's right or wrong. And without detailed knowledge of specific timelines and players, I happened to agree with him.

Infidelity, in whatever form it comes, however innocently it starts or manifests itself, is still infidelity. You'll see people talk about emotional vs. physical affairs. You will see people discuss how they did X, but it wasn't nearly as horrible or warranting of their spouse running into the arms of another.

The debate will rage on until the end of time for no other reason than it is part of the process to place blame. Right now, you blame the STBX. At some point, you will find that you blame yourself. You may eventually settle in reality - it takes two.

I don't think the hurt has to do with the OW. I think the hurt has to do with the STBX telling you he wanted to work it out, and then acting differently. And to THAT, I can completely relate. I have seen so much lip service from my STBX that wasn't backed up with actions that after years of trying, I just gave up.

If you're familiar with the five stages of grief - denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and/or acceptance - you will experience one at a time, and perhaps cycle back through others until you reach acceptance of how things got to where they are today - and that WILL include accepting your contribution as well. It's NOT fun, it's NOT easy, and unfortunately none of the stages are avoidable or have a shortcut to get through them other than to spend a few hours in the therapist's chair to have the assistance of guiding you through such an awful time.

Feel what you need to feel. But realize when you see a post that may SEEM quite cold, there is a message there that perhaps you aren't ready to hear due to where you are in the greiving process.

And realize this being a public forum, we are NOT therapists, and putting your stuff out there puts you in a position for a response that you don't necessarily like or want to hear, and is OFTEN grounded in our own pain and hurt.

Take what you need to take today, and leave the rest behind - at least for NOW.

Many of us have gone back and seen our own progression through the process, either through what we post here, or what we share elsewhere (ie. blogging on another site), and over a period of time can SEE the growth, acceptance and healing that time will eventually bring to you.

Some time from now, Cathie, if you have a desire to rid yourself of the pain and move on with your life, you'll look back at this post and say "boy, did I have but one nerve ending that particular day and let the WolRon's, faith4two's, and STBX get on it!"

We're really NOT that important in the grand scheme... ;)