Ang22007
Platinum
Reged: 06/05/07
Posts: 286
Loc: NM
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I have been doing a lot of thinking and I wonder, what is the difference between a "perceived" bad habit and a personality trait? How far can you bend to change yourself to make another happy?
For instance, I am a homebody, work hard to pay for this house, enjoy just puttering around it on the weekend which is my only time off. My hubby is a "gotta go do something/anything". So we have been trying to find a happy medium. But besides the joy it makes me to know I am making him happy, sometimes I really don't want to do it, would rather cook, clean, catch up, ya know?
He loves the history channel, I like reality shows. Not much give on that, I watch a little, he does too, but we are both bored out of mind.
I love to cook, he doesn't cook at all. I have been trying to teach him, but I really don't think he enjoys it, just does it to please me.
There are many more examples, but you get the jest.
We do have things in common that we love, but some of the things that we spend so much time doing, we don't. I talked to hubby about this, how far do you go till you are not the person you want to be to keep the marriage?
This is not a negative post, I am staying with my hubby, just more of a pondering? Maybe someone has some great advice on happy medium.
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Nish
Platinum
Reged: 02/18/07
Posts: 1244
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Ang,
As I am sure you already know, marriage is give and take. You just have to be careful that one person isn't doing all the giving and the other isn't doing all the taking.
My former husband had several things he enjoyed doing before I met him and there weren't things I would like to do with him. He enjoyed playing golf and he totally was into Contract Bridge. Niether of these two past times held any interest for me.
So how we handled it was, he got to go off and play his golf with his golf buddy, who also just happened to be the person he also played Contract Bridge with. He wasn't gone every weekend, as they truly have a "season." It just meant during the times those things were happening, he would be off doing that.
Did I sit around and pout that he was doing something he enjoyed? Nope. I just did the things I liked to do...visit my family or with friends, do things with my son from my former marriage.
We still had weekends where we did things togehter. It was our time, and we had mutual activities we enjoyed. We also would go out to dinner once a month, when my Mom would have my son for the weekend. It worked out great for us.
If you like different types of TV shows, buy a 2nd TV. We had one in our living room and one in the bedroom. If there was something he wanted to watch, that I wasn't interested in, I had not problems with watching what I wanted to on the other TV.
If he isn't into cooking, then just let it go. It was my husband who was into cooking. I cooked the meals during the week, but on the weekends, he enjoyed grabbing his Julia Child cookbook and fixing something from that.
The point I am trying to make it this. You were individuals with separate interests before you got married. You didn't mention how long you have been married.
Those interests don't just magically go away once married. If you or he want to share in something that the other one likes, great. If not, let each other do the things they like to do. Just remember to also schedule some couple times, where you do things together. A romantic evening or something you both enjoy doing together. Find that happy balance so that both of your needs are met.
I remarried 2 years ago. We have similar interests and enjoy doing things together. We both tend to be "homebodies" but we also do things away from the house, when the mood so strikes us. During the nicer weather, we usually spend at least 1 day riding somewhere on his motorcycle. Something I discovered I enjoyed doing when we started dating. I have been to car and motorcycle shows with him, and we enjoy going to the Home and Garden Shows from time to time.
Express your concerns to your husband, if you haven't already. See if the two of you can come up with things that you can do together, that you will enjoy doing, and accept that it is okay to do things separately as well.
If part of what you are saying is that with his wanting to be contstantly on the go when you both have time off from work, then discuss that also. Point out that if he helps you with the housework, that will free you up sooner to do something with him.
Maybe part of your issue is that you find it hard to enjoy doing things away from your home, when you know there is housework and chores to be done. I have dealt with that by starting the chores on Friday when I get home from work, and finishing them up Saturday morning. That leaves us the rest of the weekend to either puter around the house doing this or that or deciding we want to head off to do something.
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mfergel
Platinum
Reged: 02/11/08
Posts: 1354
Loc: Richmond, VA
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This is very similar to the relationship my and my ex-wife had. We didn't have a lot in common. First, realize you will not have everything in common, but, be open to trying new things. Hey, you might end up enjoying golf, but remember, he may still not always want you around him. Sometimes guys just need guy time. It sounds like you are both willing to bend.
The really important part is to really enjoy spending the time together when you do things you both have in common. More than that, show appreciation for those times (both of you). If you are both out shopping, take his hand, kiss him on the cheek and tell him that you are enjoying being together today. Us guys are creatures of physical affection and it doesn't take much. Put your hand on the back of our neck, spank our butt, etc. :-) If he knows you are enjoying being with him, he will be more prone to want to spend that time together. If your watching a show that bores you, put your head in his lap, haold his hand, close your eyes, take a nap. He needs to do some of the same things. Find comfort in each other. Find comfort in the silence.
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Here I am ladies.......come and get me. :-)
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undecided 72
Gold
Reged: 09/24/07
Posts: 152
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Hey Ang,
I do think it's a positive post. I like that you keep a positive look on things, but are willing to step back and do a reality check. Wanting to share things with your husband is the important thing here. It means you still want to grow with your husband. It's when people start to look forward to their spouse going away that the red flags should start going up.
I also think that marriage is more exciting when couples don't always agree. If you were both "homebodies" think of all the things you'd be missing. If you both needed to be constantly on the go, think of how neglected your home would be. Then think of the common ground you guys have, you mentioned you like throwing parties together, that probably takes the outgoing part of his influence, while you are showing off the home that you are building to your neighbors and friends. Suddenly it doesn't sound so conflicted, but more like you guys might add to each other.
I can be a sickingly "glass half full" kind of a guy sometimes, but if marriage didn't take work it would be boring. The trick is making sure that the work is balanced and you both know where each other is at.
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undecided 72
Gold
Reged: 09/24/07
Posts: 152
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Yep,
I think guys sometimes get the reputation of being cold and unemotional when nothing could be further from the truth. Men want to feel connected just as much as women. Sometimes a head on the lap communicates a lot more feelings to us then any deep conversation could.
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liberated
Platinum
Reged: 10/02/07
Posts: 550
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Quote:
If you are both out shopping, take his hand, kiss him on the cheek and tell him that you are enjoying being together today. Us guys are creatures of physical affection and it doesn't take much. Put your hand on the back of our neck, spank our butt, etc. :-) If he knows you are enjoying being with him, he will be more prone to want to spend that time together. If your watching a show that bores you, put your head in his lap, haold his hand, close your eyes, take a nap. He needs to do some of the same things. Find comfort in each other. Find comfort in the silence.
This is beautiful....thanks!
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Kimberley
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mfergel
Platinum
Reged: 02/11/08
Posts: 1354
Loc: Richmond, VA
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Quote:
Quote:
If you are both out shopping, take his hand, kiss him on the cheek and tell him that you are enjoying being together today. Us guys are creatures of physical affection and it doesn't take much. Put your hand on the back of our neck, spank our butt, etc. :-) If he knows you are enjoying being with him, he will be more prone to want to spend that time together. If your watching a show that bores you, put your head in his lap, haold his hand, close your eyes, take a nap. He needs to do some of the same things. Find comfort in each other. Find comfort in the silence.
This is beautiful....thanks!
I'm full of this kind of stuff. Bring it on........just wish I had been smart enough to know this stuff when my marriage was in trouble.
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Here I am ladies.......come and get me. :-)
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ATVILLAS
Platinum
Reged: 05/12/07
Posts: 2285
Loc: Lost in the post D maze!!
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I made the BIG mistake of not shopping with her! On reflection I remember on the odd occasion I did go she was very surprised and happy!
Just goes show show just how BIG the LITTLE things are!!
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Help someone smile today!!!
Welcome to paradise!!!
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Ang22007
Platinum
Reged: 06/05/07
Posts: 286
Loc: NM
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We have been married almost 11 years, we have been fighting FOR our marriage since June. We have tv's in every room of the house, that sometimes adds to the problem as during the week, we can both be couch potatoes, after the day to day life is done. We do go out and do things seperate. I like to get my nails done, he does the gun shows or hobby shops.
Every Friday, on the way home from work we try to stop and have dinner alone and then get home to do something fun and get organized for the weekend.
We have an agreement that one day of the weekend I get to stay home and do whatever...nothing, putter, clean hard, anything, it is just my day not to leave the house, he can go and do whatever, but I stay home. The other day we go do shopping or family thing, something fun.
You all are great, I think about some of the advice that you gave me daily and yes Mfg, I do grab his hand, kiss him, etc. Been awhile since I layed my head in his lap! Thanks!
Best wishes to you all!
Ang
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