wvhokie
New
Reged: 04/09/08
Posts: 12
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Hi I'm new to this forum and new to being separated. My husband of 1 1/2 years and I separated on February 23. I am 23, he is 26. We've been together 6 years. We dated long distance for 4 years while in college then got married after I graduated. I am a perfectionist and big stressor by nature. I have always felt the need to please everyone and live up to their expectations. That has taken its toll over the years. I especially always felt it with my parents, like I could never let them down. Anyway, to give you some background, here goes...My husband and I got married in August, 2006. I spent 2006 planning a wedding, working to graduate from college, find a job, find a place to live and have a life. I had panic attacks because I was so overwhelmed.
I started my career in September, 2006. It's a very small office, my only co-worker in my profession is my older male boss. I was so excited to be married and at this new job because the people were so nice. I treated them all the same, my boss no differently. He wanted more than to be my boss at about a month into my job. I never felt like I could say no to talking during work, grabbing dinner while waiting for a meeting, etc. because I was the new girl in town and I worried about what would happen if I said no. It turned into an affair for 2 long damn months because of all that crap and me not being able to stand up for myself. Of course, this has hurt my marriage. I just got married and was trying to adjust to that, which can be great when it's good! My husband found out in December, 2006 and I've been numb, a zombie, hating myself, feeling depressed since then.
He left me in February because I hadn't been able to maintain myself, much less a marriage. For the first time in my life my heart is broken. He's threatened divorce twice in the last month only to retract it and say, let's wait. I know I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but he has never been happier in his life. It's so hard to be separated and not know if divorce is just around the corner. I live in WV, which doesn't have legal separation. He said we are 'illegally divorced' because we have divided things on our own. We only rented and didn't have children. I am seeing a counselor and taking an anti-depressant now and I've never felt better and more relaxed in my life. I just wish he could see me now. Other than the uncertainty of wondering if he will ever want me back, I am so happy. I can leave work at the end of the day and not think about it when I'm 'home', I now take a nap when I'm worried about something instead of fret because I know that doesn't do me any good, and I actually have a sex drive, something I was too zoned out of to have before. I now know that I could take on the challenge of having kids because I don't feel so overwhelmed anymore. All wonderful qualities! All too late for my husband!
Any words of wisdom? How am I supposed to 'move on' when I'm still married, but not, because I want to be married to my husband? I don't want to not know how he is and think of something fun we could do together. Thanks!
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wvhokie
New
Reged: 04/09/08
Posts: 12
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I would like to add something else. I am still at the job with the same boss. He claimed to be leaving right after December, 2006, but never did. He also told me if I told anyone about things he would be the one people believed because it would look like I brought it on myself. He told me he was afraid I wanted his job - hardly! Before 2 months ago I felt paralyzed. Now, however, I feel strong enough to speak my mind about anything. He is not well liked in the office. The other day one of my co-worker's said he was cheering me on when he overheard me calling my boss out on something because I knew he was wrong (so did my co-worker). He told me he was proud of me. I'm 23. I need to be strong, and I'm finally feeling that! I have been applying to other jobs for months now but they haven't panned out yet. I've had a couple of interviews...I'll see how they go. If I don't get away from him soon, as my husband wanted and I was too paralyzed to do, I am going to get 5 jobs if I have to because I am going to be okay!
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Ang22007
Platinum
Reged: 06/05/07
Posts: 299
Loc: NM
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Hi,
Welcome to the forum. I don't actually have a lot of advice for you except that if you want to save your marriage, you HAVE to quit that job. I am trying not to judge, but I can't believe that wasn't your first thought! You are trying to place a lot of blame else where, yet you replied to "I am that woman", that was (I hoped) about taking all of my responsibility for the almost failed marriage. You have to look into yourself hun, you can't say that you had no blame in the affair, no power, whatever. Please take some time to face your own demons.
I wish you the best.
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Armor
Platinum
Reged: 10/27/06
Posts: 438
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I agree with Ang...you need to quit that job immediately if you are serious about trying to save your marriage. I also agree with her about the demons...sounds like you have a few you need to take a look at.
A good place to start would be some counseling, both marital and personal counseling for yourself. Even if he decides to divorce you, I still think some personal counseling would help you, so that hopefully you won't end up in a similar situation in the future...
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wvhokie
New
Reged: 04/09/08
Posts: 12
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I do take the blame, very much. One of my demons that I am working on through counseling is the fact that I didn't get out of the job when I should have because I was afraid. I am finally talking about that fear, and of course how it has led to the deterioration of myself and my marriage. I thought I was strong enough to handle it staying at the job, to me it wasn't choosing my job over my marriage, though in hind sight that is what happened. That wasn't my intention. I'm trying to deal with why I didn't go because I should have stood up for myself and my marriage. I do take the blame, I have since the beginning and it has just killed me inside. I am just now getting the professional help I need. Too late for my marriage, but it will help me.
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mfergel
Platinum
Reged: 02/11/08
Posts: 1468
Loc: Richmond, VA
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you know what, it's never too late.
I've been trying to, for lack of better defenition, win my wife back (we are separated). I've told her that this point in our life is one of the worst in our whole lives. That if we could make it through this we'd come out stronger and really know how far we are willing to go to save our relationship. How far are you willing to go?
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Insert witty comment here. 
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wvhokie
New
Reged: 04/09/08
Posts: 12
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Thank you, I feel the same way! I will do whatever it takes for as long as it takes. My husband is wonderful man. You are absolutely right, if you and your wife and my husband and I could make it through this, if that is what my husband wants, it would make us very strong. I believe that with everything in my heart.
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mfergel
Platinum
Reged: 02/11/08
Posts: 1468
Loc: Richmond, VA
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How does your husband feel about things today? Maybe you could just start dating. You both fell in love once. One date a week, a few hours out of the day. What's the worse that could happen that hasn't happened already?
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Insert witty comment here.
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trudyrudy
New
Reged: 04/02/08
Posts: 15
Loc: North Carolina
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I agree with mfergel, a "date" once a week, could really help light the flames of love again. And girl leave that job. Well once you have another one. It's not healthy for you and it's not gonna help while you're trying to get your husband back. I wish you luck, please let us know how it's going. My husband has only been gone a few days but it feels like forever, I want him back but there's alot of changes we're both going to have to make. Like him getting a job. And I think a date night is a great idea to break the ice again.
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No man, or woman is worth crying over, and the one that is won't make you cry.
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wvhokie
New
Reged: 04/09/08
Posts: 12
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I honestly don't know how my husband feels. He is very inconsistent. Some days he tells me he thinks this break is what is best for us and could be what we need to get back together and that he cares about me. Then it isn't unusual for him to completely change the next day and I feel like he doesn't care about me at all. Some days he seems sad and some he seems happy. We have both talked about getting together to try dinner and light conversations (as a form of a date) and not talk about what is going on. The problem is that we can't seem to get our emotions to be the same on the days we talk. For example, I may be completely able to tune everything out, including my pain, and talk about fun things, but he is sensitive and can misinterpret words or gestures, and vice versa. I guess that's why the separation is necessary, so you can both get your feelings and desires to be consistent, so you know if you're meant to be together or apart.
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