happy2beme
New
Reged: 03/26/08
Posts: 20
Loc: Tennessee
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My husband and I are back to talking and doing other things but he still hasn't moved back in. We are both working to make each other better. The thing is I am ready to move on to the next step of putting this in the past and start working on a better marriage. I feel like in order to do this he needs to be back in the house. I do want to give him his time but how do I let him know that everything is going to be ok or is this something I just have to give time for him to understand. Please if someone who is out there that may be able to help, I would appreciate it. He has asked me out this Friday night. Very nervous because just one sentence could blow everything. Any advice would be very helpful.
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EmergeAnew
Platinum
Reged: 02/26/08
Posts: 229
Loc: IL
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Go out and have a good time, think of the dating stage before you got married...keep things light and fun, avoid any indepth serious conversations about the past or the future. Talk about today, talk about now.
Think of when you are first dating, when the game of cat and mouse was fun! No one wants the desperate person who is miserable, unhappy, crying, begging, pleading...you get the picture im sure. There is a thrill to the chase. Have fun.
Do something new with your hair, get a new outfit if you can afford it, or put together some old stuff in a new way, or a favorite shirt he likes on you. Find that woman he fell in love with inside of you.
Now, about him moving back home. I have to be honest, I dont recall your story, Im going to go and reread some of your other posts, and Ill get back to you on that one.
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You must be the change you wish to see - Mahatma Gandhi
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undecided 72
Gold
Reged: 09/24/07
Posts: 165
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Hey happy,
I think you can be patient and express your feelings. "I would like it if you moved back in" instead of "Oh please, move back in I need you...". Just make sure he realizes and you feel, that you want him to move back in so you both can begin to work on things, but if he doesn't, you'll be just fine.
It seems like it, but realistically one sentance isn't going to blow anything. If one sentance can break you then there isn't much to save anyway, (I really don't think that is the case). It's VERY HARD, but the fact that you are putting so much importance on what you say to him, implies that you are focusing way too much on his feelings. Realize that you have worth. Do not make your own happiness dependant on his feelings. Make sure whatever happens you don't compromise who you are.
I like the user name you picked, make sure you live it. If your husband is worthy of you, he will recognize your worth, if not realize you can still be happy with who you are.
Lastly, you are answering yourself in the title a bit. I'm just worried you are hoping that your date will end with a resolution. This is going to take some time, doubts will linger in both of you. It's a difficult thing, but when I started having marital problems I kept hoping my wife would just suddenly find her love for me. That's just not realistic it took a long time for these things to surface, they won't be fixed without time, effort and a certain amount of pain as well.
I hope things work out for you.
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EmergeAnew
Platinum
Reged: 02/26/08
Posts: 229
Loc: IL
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OK I went and read your first post, and I have to say it is filled with red flags, and the biggest thing I can tell you is that if you suspect an affair, its most likely an affair. Based off what you have said, I would bet on it.
"I love you but Im not in love with you" is the adulterer creed I swear. People dont up and say "Im miserable I want a divorce" with no provacation or warning.
You make a decision about how you feel about going on the date. The thing you need to ask yourself first and foremost is "IF in fact my husband is having an affair, what does that mean to me?" Will you want to save the marriage, will you be able to forgive, will you be able to work through recovery, these are big questions.
If you can and want to save your marriage, it is possible, you just have to prepare yourself for that road.
And the answer about your husband moving back in right now, is absolutely not. I know you want him back home right now, I know you want things back the way they were. Right now your husband is testing you to make sure you are still there, loving him, he is seeing how you feel for him, he wants to know if the door will be open WHEN he comes crawling back (he just doesnt realize that YET)
When the time comes that your husband is truly ready to come home you will know it, and you must hold out for that point if you want to work on your marriage. You must wait for your husband to be ready to commit to you 100%, he will be at your door ready and willing to do whatever it takes to make it work, anything less is not 100%, and if you allow him to come back at anything less than 100% you are just setting yourself up for a false recovery, and more tears and pain then I would wish on anyone.
The first thing you need to decide is what you want to do, once you figure that out, im happy to help you down which ever road you decide. But that must come from in you, that must be your choice. Not me or anyone else on this forum can help you decide that, nor should you allow yourself to be swayed by anyone elses jaded opinions, understand that we are all influenced by our own situations.
Once you make that decision you will be able to put yourself on a path to getting to where you want to be. I know the decision isnt easy, no matter what you choose it is a hard road, but with very different outcomes. Either way, you are going to be ok, either way you are going to get through this and be a better woman at the end.
Message me anytime, Im happy to help.
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You must be the change you wish to see - Mahatma Gandhi
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happy2beme
New
Reged: 03/26/08
Posts: 20
Loc: Tennessee
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I know what I want. I knew it the minute he left. I have always loved him. He is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. I am prepared for the worst even if he has cheated. If anything I caused him to run into the arms of another, but I don't think he has cheated. I know when our problems started and I did nothing but acted selfish. Like a spoiled kid. If anything he is deepy hurt by the way I treated him.
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EmergeAnew
Platinum
Reged: 02/26/08
Posts: 229
Loc: IL
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This is your post dated 3/36/08 on your first thread.
"Another woman is what I am afraid of. I feel like right now we can work things out, but if there is another woman involved then that will change everything. I don't know if I could ever forgive him."
I truly understand the place that you are in right now. I need you to understand a few things, first of all you absolutely helped contribute to the problems in your marriage, YOU however did not push your husband into the arms of another woman, that is something he chose to do. (Unless of course you were out at a bar with your husband and grabbed some woman and sat her in his lap)...im thinking not though. : )
You also need to take the things your husband is saying to you right now with a grain of salt, most likely they are justifications and rationalizations to validate himself and his choices.
If you have decided that you truly want to save your marriage, then the next thing you need to do is figure out why your marriage is where it is. Be that an affair or otherwise. You cannot prepare for a battle when you dont know what your up against.
Really take some time to look within yourself, take time to think about the REAL issues in your marriage, not the nitpicky things your husband might be throwing at you right now, that seem to be out of nowhere.
Maybe think about seeing a councelor to help you get through this and help you make some good decisions.
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You must be the change you wish to see - Mahatma Gandhi
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wvhokie
New
Reged: 04/09/08
Posts: 12
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Wow EmergeAnew, I read your responses and I'm convinced you've been reading my mind. My husband and I have been separated for over a month and the thoughts, emotions and intuitions you are describing are right on cue. As each day goes on I understand a little more that yes, my situation right now is the worst thing I have ever been through, but regardless of the outcome, I am going to be stronger than I ever thought possible. You think you're invincible anyway, but when something difficult arises you realize your true priorities and have no choice but to find that inner strenght. My husband recently met someone as well, understandably given my actions, and he is not in love with me anymore either. It hurts like hell to hear that, but I understand that sometimes people do fall out of love, and sometimes we just think we did and we have to step back and look within ourselves to determine what we really want.
Hang in there, happy2beme!
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