is it over
Platinum
Reged: 11/19/06
Posts: 323
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I wonder if any of you have problems with discipline and changes since your divorce?.. I guess I need some advice and encouragement in this area. I feel that I am lacking the consistency and being taken advantage of by my kids. I know I feel bad that their Dad is basically absent now.. and they only have me.. but my main problems are with my 12 and 13 year old. They seem to be withdrawing from our family and spending more time w friends.. they resent me making them do family things and I feel like I am losing control.
Am I crazy to think that during the school week.. no friends over and kids stay home and interact with family. No hanging out in the neighborhood. Or is this overboard? Is it expected with teens that they will disengage from family.. with or without a divorce?
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Jada
Platinum
Reged: 06/02/07
Posts: 3240
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[quote]I wonder if any of you have problems with discipline and changes since your divorce?.. I guess I need some advice and encouragement in this area. I feel that I am lacking the consistency and being taken advantage of by my kids. I know I feel bad that their Dad is basically absent now.. and they only have me.. but my main problems are with my 12 and 13 year old. They seem to be withdrawing from our family and spending more time w friends.. they resent me making them do family things and I feel like I am losing control.
Am I crazy to think that during the school week.. no friends over and kids stay home and interact with family. No hanging out in the neighborhood. Or is this overboard? Is it expected with teens that they will disengage from family.. with or without a divorce? [/quote]
At 12 & 13, it is normal to want to hang out with your friends more. It's part of growing up.
It's reasonable to expect homework to be done before hanging out with friends. I don't think it is reasonable to make a kid hang out with the family over friends every single school night.
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is it over
Platinum
Reged: 11/19/06
Posts: 323
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Thank you Jada. Since I got some feedback... I will add some info. The 13 yr old.. I adopted him last year, and I guess I am kindof hurt and maybe disappointed that he isn't trying more to become part of the family unit. He never lived with me when married.. divorce was ongoing when adoption became final. So I guess I don't feel he is bonding with me and my girls. Just eating at home and running around with friends. Like he can't wait to get away from us. I want him in the house more.. but I'm afraid that by feeling sorry for his situation.. I encouraged him to make friends and now I feel it has gotten to where they mean more to him than his family..
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ttina
Platinum
Reged: 02/28/08
Posts: 397
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Could it be that he doesn't know how to bond within a family unit? I do not know his history, but to be in an adotion situation at age 12/13.... what must his life been like before? Disengagement from family is VERY common at this age. My son is 14, the 11-13 yeas.... I didn't much like him. He was obnoxious, contrary and refused to be seen in public with me. He has grown up alot and while he isn't my little boy any more, he is on his way to being a good man.
In your situation maybe a balance of friend/family time could be in order. Say Monday, Wednesday, Thursday and Sunday AM are family times... he can have friends over. The other days he can go out to friends houses (after chores/homework)as long as you know exactly where he is. This gives him the freedom he desires and you the family interaction you desire.
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chatter box
Platinum
Reged: 11/09/07
Posts: 1197
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Not every kid reacts to divorce in the same way, but often they need to just get away and get there mind off things. Getting out of the house and playing with friends helps them forget and cope. Making friends that will support them is also important. I set clear bounderies about were they could go after school. Homework first and everynow and then house keeping. I also like to have them come in and help with dinner for a little family time but only one or two nights a week. One other thought is have some of there friends come over to your house. It's not the one on one you might want but it gives you the oppertunity to still interact. No way I could have all the kids in the house, just to many, but I'll go out and play with them and the friends in yard for a little bit.
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Volsfan65
Bronze
Reged: 04/10/08
Posts: 27
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[quote][quote]I wonder if any of you have problems with discipline and changes since your divorce?.. I guess I need some advice and encouragement in this area. I feel that I am lacking the consistency and being taken advantage of by my kids. I know I feel bad that their Dad is basically absent now.. and they only have me.. but my main problems are with my 12 and 13 year old. They seem to be withdrawing from our family and spending more time w friends.. they resent me making them do family things and I feel like I am losing control.
Am I crazy to think that during the school week.. no friends over and kids stay home and interact with family. No hanging out in the neighborhood. Or is this overboard? Is it expected with teens that they will disengage from family.. with or without a divorce? [/quote]
At 12 & 13, it is normal to want to hang out with your friends more. It's part of growing up.
It's reasonable to expect homework to be done before hanging out with friends. I don't think it is reasonable to make a kid hang out with the family over friends every single school night. [/quote]
They are also at the age where they can probably talk to their friends easier than you. At least, to them, it seems that way. Remember what it was like when you were their age? Maybe, if they have a GOOD friend, it could actually be good for them.
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is it over
Platinum
Reged: 11/19/06
Posts: 323
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Thanks everyone for the input. I think I was just freaking out because it seemed like I was losing control in my own house. I set down some ground rules about chores and schoolwork.. and if thats done, then I guess they can see their friends any day they have time. I did like it better though when they wanted to stay at home more.
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