JenH03
Platinum
Reged: 02/07/08
Posts: 227
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It means the judge in your divorce won't care who cheated with how many people, your stuff will still be divided, you'll still be able to see your kids and if you qualify for alimony you'll get it (until/unless you marry your boyfriend).
This board is generally a really supportive place but you have to understand that MANY folks' marriages ended because of a spouse's affair, so it's a really sore subject and you'll be hard pressed to get sympathy for leaving your husband for another man. I'm a believer that affairs don't just happen, they happen because something is wrong in the marriage, but be that as it may, cheating is still wrong and generally people should wait until they actually leave a spouse before entering a new relationship.
If you really feel you can't save your marriage and you're not going to stop seeing your boyfriend, then by all means do the right thing and get a divorce. But try to think about what is best for your kids. Don't just uproot them to be with a "new daddy" and take them away from their actual father because YOU like the new guy better. Their father will always be their father no matter who you are with in the future and it's not fair to them if you just replace him (or try).
Please just think about your children first and foremost, not this other man. Do what is best for THEM, not just for you.
Good luck to you.
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Jada
Platinum
Reged: 06/02/07
Posts: 3492
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[quote]that was a given!! [/quote]
Not only did you cheat on your husband, you have no compassion at all.
At least Taryn honored her vows. Unike you.
You are leaving your husband for another man. Just how do you plan on teaching your children about morality when you have none?
And don't give this nonsense about how horrible your stbx is. We all have ex/stbx's who were horrible. Yet, some of us managed to end one relationship or at least be in the process of getting a divorce before starting the next.
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ssrachel
Platinum
Reged: 05/23/07
Posts: 2082
Loc: a better place :)
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hear, hear jada. i can understand an unhappy marriage that isn't working. i can't understand how you and anyone else can commit adultery. cannot end the marriage before starting a new relationship. the most hurt ones in this mess you are about to create will be the kids. i don't give a flying [censored] about your feelings, but i hope you do the right thing by your kids. i'm finding that the cheaters do not take their children's best interests at heart. you've cheated, you can't undo that. what you can do is the right thing by your children. take the advice of all the experts (not hear on the forum, who are experts by experience), but the experts who say absolutely do not introduce your children to the bf for at least a year. cheaters also think that what they know what is best and don't see the need to keep the bf/gf from the children. cheaters think that they can jump from one family to the new family and that the children won't be affected. very wrong assumption! sorry that you had an unhappy marriage, still no excuse for cheating. especially when there are children involved. if a good friend of mine was cheating, she would not be my friend any longer. so of course, you may not get the friendship you would like from this forum.
yes, taryn and i were cheated on and many others on this forum. it doesn't make it right. unfortunately, it is the way the world is going. if you haven't been cheated on, you won't understand. if you have been cheated on and you still did the same thing, you won't understand, either. morals and respect have been thrown out the window. the cheaters are too selfish to stop to think what this will do to their children.
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What you reap is what you sow and so it goes...
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Sarah1014
Platinum
Reged: 04/12/07
Posts: 2353
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Please consider that you are dating a man that is ok with you being married. I'm just saying...
Please read this article before you do anything else...
http://www.mental-health-matters.com/articles/article.php?artID=157
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taryn
Platinum
Reged: 05/31/07
Posts: 2504
Loc: standing on the mountaintop! :...
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[quote]You are a complete jerk! You have no idea what it's like to raise 2 kids with special needs, especially when your husband has not only atmitted there is something wrong but hasn't taken any part in helping them or making them better. I lived w/ years of neglect and abandonment and I've finally had it. You are obviously someone who can't see the situation for what it is and are a woman scored yourself! Go (censored) yourself, no one else will [/quote]
1. refrain from name calling. it really isnt very nice. or at the VERY least make the name appropriate. Calling me 'bitter' or even 'bitchy' by my reply would be MUCH more accurate than calling me a jerk.
That having been said, OH! AND being that you are open to the name calling.
well, you my friend a slut In case it's censored that word is s l u t.
note my use of ACCURATE name calling (again, i dont promote such things, but since it works for you, im not opposed)
2. do not even START to tell me 'i dont know what ________ was like!'
Neglected. Abandoment. Pffft.
Now THERE are some nice little reasons for having an affair and getting a divorce.
yeah. well. NOT!
Try years of verbal abuse, slowly leading into physical abused throughout the years, finally going onto the kids.
Going out every day and drinking himself into a near stupor.
Note im not even MENTIONING teh fact that my stbx was a [censored]
(and i STILL stayed....oh, never mind, there go my silly little 'morals' again)
I didnt leave until it was dangerous for me Physically, and I was scared for the kids.
What i wouldnt do to have simpley had a marriage where i felt neglected or abandoned.
OH! arent YOU essentailly doing the same thing?
um...if youre having an affair then you have abandoned and neglected the marriage too.
It should be intersting to see how nice and rosey your affair relationship goes.
Sounds like you have a nice morally sound, committed, trustworthy guy there.
have fun destroying your marriage.
i hope you get NOTHING!
3. you are an untrustworthy, liar, and cheater. YOu will most likely loose credibility in the eyes of anyone who knows this story. but dont worry....they dont have to know...you can just...lie.
ps. do NOT come o this site spouting words " you have no idea what it's like...." cuz someone often does, and someone alwyas has it worse.
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taryn.
Edited by taryn (04/17/08 08:22 AM)
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emllc
New
Reged: 04/16/08
Posts: 9
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Thank you so much!! That's my every intention, my children's happiness and I would never take their father from them or try and replace him. Thanks so much for your response.
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theanswerguy
Platinum
Reged: 04/12/07
Posts: 2297
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What state would that be ?
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Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what's right. Isaac Asimov
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taryn
Platinum
Reged: 05/31/07
Posts: 2504
Loc: standing on the mountaintop! :...
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[quote]Thank you so much!! That's my every intention, my children's happiness and I would never take their father from them or try and replace him. Thanks so much for your response. [/quote]
what did jada (or anyone else for that matter) say to you that implies support?
or implied that you are not trying to take your children from their dad, or whatever?
im thinking....like NO ONE!
in a justice based court system, YOU would be the one who would have to be worried about having the children.
YOU would be the one that would have to prove to be a 'morally sound' person.
but...this is not a justice based court system.
so...you're probably going to be just FINE!
your stbx will have a destroyed sense of trust,
your children will have a warped view of morality
(hummmm...what if THEY dont give you enough attention, mommy? will you get new kids like you got a new husband)
and you
(blessedly) will never again hve the comfort of true trust in a relationship.
i mean, look how EASY it is to [censored] around!
and...hey.... if your bf cheated with you while you were married, well...im sure he wont do the same for you.
so,
you have a good base to restart your life with.
but NO ONE here said so!
:)
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taryn.
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EZmark
Platinum
Reged: 06/04/07
Posts: 292
Loc: Florida
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"Thank you so much!!"
You can spit in a Ho's face and she will just insist it's raining.
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 5168
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Please consider that in your marriage, whatever state it's in right now, your husband believes that there's a division of labor, where he earns the majority of the money and you do a majority of the dealing with the kids. In a divorce, there will no longer be this division of labor. You will have to find a way to support yourself (or have your boyfriend do it for you) and your husband will handle the kids needs entirely when they are in his household.
Just because he didn't do it before doesnt' mean he couldn't or wouldn't or wouldn't want to, just that he was busy having to deal with bringing home the bacon, which is quite a time-consuming and stressful thing if you're not equal partners in that venture. It's absolutely reasonable for him to think that you have the school and health issues under control when he's trying to deal with the finances.
Being partners and having this division of labor within the partnership of a marriage is a luxury that you ahve when things are going well between you, when one of you is able to earn enough to make ends meet for both of you (all 4 of you) and therefore leaves the other person free to have some space in thier schedule or in thier mind to worry about the kids. That luxury no longer exists when you separate. You will have to figure out how to support yourself (and the kids if you have them half the time or more) and he will have to figure out how to make time in his workweek for meetings with the teachers and school counselors (assuming that he will also have a reasonable amount of time with them, 50% or better).
If you cannot afford the house, with the upgrades you've made to it, then you can't stay in it. Hopefully he WILL be able to afford it so that you don't end up losing the house for the sake of the kids to live in. If he can afford it, then he gets to stay in it. You don't get to stay there if you need his help to do so.
You need to figure out how to make ends meet, make a plan for how this will work.
You may want to upgrade the time you spend on the job, or find a place to get better skills so that you'll get a raise or more income. You'll have to figure out a place to live that you can afford. Maybe you'll want to have the kids living with your ex more than 50% of the time so that you'll be able to move ahead.
Whatever you do, don't introduce the kids to the boyfriend quickly. THey'll put 2 & 2 together adn will know what happened to their happy family and be angry at you for it. Also, don't you dare try to suggest that their father is not at least as qualified as you are to be a full time parent just becasue he did not take the lead in fighting for their education. Sounds like he did a LOT just by finding a house HE could afford where the school district options made this wonderful school a possibility for the kids.
Consider that under the conditions as they exist right now (you having a boyfriend who is probably inappropriate to introduce the kids to right now) you may want to have your husband be the primary parent that they go home to, and you think through how you wnat to do this, make your plan, leave the family and get together with the new boyfriend, in your own time.
The kids will still love you when you're settled in your new place and it will be a whole lot less traumatic for them, you or your husband, if you do it this way, keeping the kids out of your emotional mess. And is IS an emotional mess.
Whatever is the issue, whether your husband has not taken the lead in parenting the way you wish, or is not warm and loving enough for you. Whether you have a hard time honoring a commitment when something better comes along. Whether your boyfriend did his best to charm the pants off a married woman as if it could be a great trophy for him. It doesn't matter. You have to deal with those issues on your own.
PLEASE do it on your own and without the kids having to witness it. PLEASE consider packing up your stuff, finding a small apartment nearby, and leaving your husband to figure out how to juggle the kids and his work, while you work out your emotional issues. PLEASE don't let the kids become part of your personal drama. Tell your husband that you want to still be part of their lives, but you need to be alone to work stuff out. He (and they) don't need to have details of the affair, whatever is your justification for it, and they certainly don't need to participate in your own move towards a different life.
Once you've gotten settled in the new life, with frequent times with your kids, with the finances worked out, your new or improved job or at least lowered financial commitments ... once you've figured out the place teh boyfriend will have in your new life, then you will have space to consider whether you want the kids intimately involved in this life on a day to day basis, or whether their father, thrown headlong into the parenting thing in sink or swim fashion, has come through it without a problem and is a good person to keep doing that.
You sound like maybe dealing with two special needs kids exhausted you and the home based business isolated you, so when something exciting came along, you enjoyed. Well, good for you for that. You wont' find much support for your position on that, but at least you recognize that it's a mess and are trying to figure out the right next step.
Please don't look for ways to tkae th ekids away from him. Don't look for ways to keep the house that you can't afford. Dont' look for ways to make him support you as if you were still home every day, cooking & cleaning & taking care of the kids. Just look for a way to figure out how you're going to handle your life on your own, and until you've gotten some stability in that new life, don't introduce the kids to it. THey have special needs and don't need to be part of your own disrupted life. Wait till the disruption has settled, have frequent visits, love them, but don't have them get to know hte new man, etc., etc.
If you do this, then 5 years from now, you and your ex and your kids and the new man in your life will be able to manage. But if you don't... if you turn this into a more miserable affair than it needs to be and drag everyone through your personal growth experience, then you and the kids and the ex and the new guy will all be miserable for years to come. They'll ahte you, they'll hate your new guy, they'll hate thier dad. They'll be angry kids whose special needs overtook them while their parents were struggling to deal with an affair and shredding of their house. Don't do it that way. TRY to do it with some dignity.
That means to leave the kids out of it for now. Walk away, figure out what your future looks like, and THEN bring them into it.
PLEASE!
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