wvhokie
New
Reged: 04/09/08
Posts: 12
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Oh I will leave that job come hell or high water, as they say! It isn't healthy, it's slowly been the death of me but I could not see it so clearly, even though I felt it some, until recently. You're right, we were once both in love, I like to hope that we could find that again by having an occasional date. I know how you feel being apart from your husband. It has been a little over a month and it seems like an eternity. I'm ready to say, 'okay, you can come back now, I'll make you your favorite dinner and we can curl up and watch a movie'! It doesn't work that way though, we have to find patience (which is hard for me!) and take it one day at a time. I wish the best for you and your husband as well!
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mfergel
Platinum
Reged: 02/11/08
Posts: 1349
Loc: Richmond, VA
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I don't think it's totally wrong to talk about the situation. But, here's an idea.......talk about why you fell in love. By this I mean, tell him about specific moments and how good they made you feel. For example, I told my wife how I used to come home and she'd open up the door and give me a big, welcoming smile. I told her how even when we were sleeping alone, I could smell her on the pillow. Keep the talk light. Just because you talk about the past doesn't mean it has to be bitter, painful memories.
During this time, emotions change constantly. If you are both only experiencing one emotion a day, tell me how. Mine still change from minute to minute, hour to hour. Regardless of the moods at the beginning of the date, you can both be feeling positive emotions by the end. That will all depend on the conversation, etc. If a date is uncomfortable, call him. If that's uncomfortable, write him..........
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Here I am ladies.......come and get me. :-)
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undecided 72
Gold
Reged: 09/24/07
Posts: 152
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The reaction you are getting from your husband is completely normal, he is struggling with trust issues. He cares about you and wants to trust you, but he does not want to be hurt, when he feels strong and secure he's happy and everythings going to be O.K., when doubts creep in he gets sad and distances himself from the potential pain. You have a good chance here, take it slow and be patient. You've been given some good advice in previous posts, take responsibility (you are) and realize what it is you really want - a mature and trusting relationship, if you get it with your husband, great, if not you still gain as an idividual.
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wvhokie
New
Reged: 04/09/08
Posts: 12
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We do occasionally speak about the good times and why we fell in love. It's not that we don't remember the good times, they just seem so long ago and seem to get lost in the pain. When we talk about them, especially if he brings them up, I welcome those little glimmers of hope. My emotions stay more consistent (positively) when we don't speak, as hard as that is, because it is allowing me to have time to focus on myself and my weaknesses and overcoming them. When we do talk, I think I always end up getting my hopes up. I know the medicine I am on has had a tremendous impact. All of my life I have stressed over everything and found the need for perfection, which is not possible in an imperfect world. I would lose sleep over stress and become irritable. Now, I find that when I am stressed, my body kicks and and essentially says, 'you might as well take a nap because there isn't anything you can do about this'. It's wonderful! Taking one day at a time is the key. I never used to do that either, I always had to look so far down the road. That helps to keep my emotions more consistent. I recommend that to everyone - one day at a time!
I do understand that my husband's feelings are normal. I expect that, and the anger, too. That is why I am trying hard to give him his space, even though I would love to pick up the phone and call him! I know it helps me to concentrate on myself (which seems so selfish!) so I can improve myself and become a stronger, more confident individual. I know I have made a lot of mistakes, I am working everyday to learn from them, not hate myself because of it, and practice patience in my little successes.
Thank you two for your encouragement!
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rock3
New
Reged: 04/11/08
Posts: 1
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Hi, I too am new to this forum. I left my husband after 22 years of marriage in August of 2007. We have three children, two under the age of 18. I am at a point of not knowing where to go from here. Where to start the process of divorce or whether it is the right thing to do. I feel in my heart that I shouldn't do anything yet, but my mind is telling me differently. Any suggestions? I could use some advice from others who have been where I am.
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mfergel
Platinum
Reged: 02/11/08
Posts: 1349
Loc: Richmond, VA
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Quote:
Hi, I too am new to this forum. I left my husband after 22 years of marriage in August of 2007. We have three children, two under the age of 18. I am at a point of not knowing where to go from here. Where to start the process of divorce or whether it is the right thing to do. I feel in my heart that I shouldn't do anything yet, but my mind is telling me differently. Any suggestions? I could use some advice from others who have been where I am.
Hi rock3. I'd love to say welcome but I never really feel like coming to a forum such as this is a place any of us really want to be. So, maybe I should just say I hope you can find some help here. I'd suggest starting a new post so folks can know you're here. Let us know your situation. Why did you leave your husband? What happened to the marriage, etc.? That might better help us in offering advice, etc.
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Here I am ladies.......come and get me. :-)
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EmergeAnew
Platinum
Reged: 02/26/08
Posts: 229
Loc: IL
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Hi Wvhokie,
I am so glad you have been getting help. A few questions, it has been over 2 years since your affair, how has your marriage been in the past 2 years in your opinion? What have you done to repair your marriage from your affair? Were you still having anxiety attacks during the past two years. Had you and your husband reconciled completely? Did you go to marriage counceling?
When your husband started throwing the "D" word around was it unexpected, or was this something on going over the past two years? Did you think that things were good between the two of you again, and then all of a sudden he wants a divorce because of your affair?
Seperation and Divorce are not methods to work on your marriage or relationship. "I need some space" "I just need some time to think" "I need to be apart so I can figure out what it is I want" "I love you but im not in love with you". This along with some other things you have mentioned about your husbands behavior is sending up some big red flags to me.
Id like more information before I say anything further about it though.
On the other side of the coin is you, so lets focus on that. I am glad you are making these improvements in your life and seeing a therapist, and its wonderful that it is helping you and you are feeling great. Now then, the million dollar question, why on earth are you still at that job. You absolutely should quit that NOW. I dont care what kind of job that you have to take in the meantime, you need to quit today. Nothing that job pays you or offers you can be worth it. There are plenty of jobs that you can get while you look for a job comperable to the one you are going to quit today.
If you and your husband are still talking that is a good thing. However, you need to do a 180 in the way you are going about handling things. There are lots of things you can do to try and save your marriage. And btw you are not "illegally divorced" you are very much still married.
As soon as you can get back to me, ill have more advice for you on what you can and should be doing. But for now what you should be doing is quitting that job, and continue to work on yourself, keep up with the therapy, and focus on yourself. Improvement comes from within. You are going to get through this and you are going to be fine.
Take that step WV, quit that job first thing.
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You must be the change you wish to see - Mahatma Gandhi
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wvhokie
New
Reged: 04/09/08
Posts: 12
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Hi EmergeAnew,
It has been a while since my last post. I have been going through intense counseling and I am religiously taking my medicine. It may not make any sense, but I feel like I have been in a trance or a fog for the last 2 years and I just suddenly snapped out of it. I know the situation I was in was bad and unhealthy, from the outside looking in it seemed like I should have got away immediately, but I just was not in the same mindset that I am in now. For the first time in my life I feel a sense of clarity and peace that I haven't had before. The thought of having children used to scare me to death because I knew I couldn't handle it emotionally. Now, I know I could handle it and it would be a blessing.
My marriage has not been good because I was unable to maintain myself, much less my husband. He tried to get me to see a counselor, but I never thought anything was wrong with me. As the result of that, he found comfort with another girl, and I can't blame him for that, and I've let him know that. He has been angry since February, which is very unlike him. He has recently let go of that and started to work on himself, which is great. I believe he has stopped seeing the girl and is taking time for himself. Regardless of the outcome of our marriage, I just want him to take time to recover and find happiness. Divorce was very unexpected. We knew things were bad, but I couldn't truly see it until this drastic situation happened.
I am trying very hard to get another job. I know it's a delayed reaction, but I finally realize I need to be away from that man and take care of myself, which would only be respectful for my husband. I have applied for several jobs. I have established a timeframe with my therapist. If I do not have a good job lined up by a short period of time from now, I will simply take any other job. I need insurance, of course. My husband, and others at work, are very aware that I have let my boss know I will not put up with the intimidation any more, which is what I failed to do in the past. I know all of this is late in coming, but I am finally in the mindset and emotionally strong enough to stand up for myself. Feeling like I have my life back is an incredible experience because my life was great, I was just too depressed to enjoy it and I didn't know why I was unhappy.
My husband and I are talking more now. I let him initiate the conversations so I do not appear to be pressuring him. I am proud of him for starting to work on himself, that has made a great difference. As I said, regardless of the outcome of our marriage, I think we will both be stronger, more alert individuals.
Have a good weekend!
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Ang22007
Platinum
Reged: 06/05/07
Posts: 285
Loc: NM
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WV,
You made me do a little happy dance at your post! Great job on working on yourself and looking for a new job, you sound so strong and confident. I applaud all of your efforts!!
Best wishes to you, keep up the great work!
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