Gerick
New
Reged: 04/23/08
Posts: 3
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Well this is the first site that I have come across and seams as if it has the best information I am looking for. So here's the issue that I'm having...I just don't know where to go with my wife. We have been together for 6 years lived 3 years before we got married and have been married for 2 years. Life was fine until we put the rings on our fingers. We seam to fight all the time, over issues that are sometimes serious and sometimes not. We will go weeks with out fighting then have one big blow out. Its easy for the curse words to start flying especially on her part. We have had some trust issues in the past me I was chatting and texting people but stopped and did not go back as for her there was a person in her office (that is no longer there) that she had a lot of contact with on the phone and text messaging. Also decided to go to this persons going away event knowing how much I did not want her to. After that last event that she went to since then I have just lost all feeling with our marriage.
The big thing is she thinks that we are fine. Says I love you when I feel like I have to force it out, wants to cuddle and I don't, and as for intimacy im really not interested in that with her now cause all she is concerned about is her weight which really is not an issue to me but she makes it one and it makes me not want her.
I just don't know what to do I have never been so lost in my life...I want us to last but I think that there's no way we can. What should I do? I have created a list of items that concern me and that I have with us for me to read to her but I'm afraid to cause I know how much it will hurt her. We are in our late 20's and still have a good life ahead of us. We have no kids but she wants them I do want kids but not if we are in a unhealthy marriage. Last thing I want to add to this is add more stress and difficulty to our marriage. All we have really is a house and the items in it...im afraid that by getting a divorce it will effect our credit and financial situation cause we really do have a lot of out going bills. Any advise will be greatly appreciated.
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mfergel
Platinum
Reged: 02/11/08
Posts: 1348
Loc: Richmond, VA
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You comment that some weeks are fine. What do the two of you do right during those times? During the bad times, what sets things off? What's the difference? One thing I've learned from a book called "divorce buster" is that the phrase try, try again does not apply. If you ask your wife how her day was and it turns into a fight, approach it differently....or maybe you don't ask at all. Maybe she tells you something, you try to provide a solution and then she starts getting mad. She may not be looking for a solution, maybe just an ear.
So far, I've gotten good advice on this site and from the book "divorce busters".
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Here I am ladies.......come and get me. :-)
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Gerick
New
Reged: 04/23/08
Posts: 3
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During the bad times what sets things off is the way she talks about my family, I do listen to her had I am a great husband to her. Anything she needs I try to get for her. One of my sayings to her is I will not say no I will just say give me to and will get it worked out. I just think that I have grown out of our relastionship and marriage
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mfergel
Platinum
Reged: 02/11/08
Posts: 1348
Loc: Richmond, VA
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So, are there ways you can approach things differently when she talks about your family? Do you get defensive? Chances are you view your family differently than she does. Try this, next time she talks about your family, say something like, "I understand how you might feel that way. Can you explain to me what may have happened in the past that leads you to feeling that way? Is there something that could be done to change that?" Also, try some of these things.....get her a greeting card, stick it in the microwave. Leave a post it note on the mirror in the morning saying "I hope you have a great day. See you tonight".....and then come home with dinner, maybe Chinese or something. If she does all the cleaning, etc., surprise her by cleaning one room in the house or something, put away all the shoes or coats. Do you get home before she does (if you both work)? Even if not, get a bunch of candles, light them in the bathroom, buy some body soaps and essentially draw a bath for her. Have her go in there, soak for awhile (shut the door so she can be alone).
Just try those types of things for two weeks or so. See if there are changes towards you (and changes you feel towards her) and let us know what happens. Little things that can make a lot of difference.
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Here I am ladies.......come and get me. :-)
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movingon2
Platinum
Reged: 12/06/07
Posts: 209
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Gerick,
When we live with someone day in day out, it is easy to become irritated with their ways, and we get to a point where we feel like we don’t even like our spouse… it usually passes. Ask yourself… deep down do I love my wife? Chances are that you do. You say you have created a list of items that concern you about your relationship, why not create a list of items that you like about your relationship…and write five things down that you really really like about your wife. Ask your wife to do the same. Then take mfergel’s advice (WOW, I read that post twice) from a women’s perspective, you’ll have her swooning over you in no time….and maybe that is all you need. Good luck!
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Gerick
New
Reged: 04/23/08
Posts: 3
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To start I would really like to thank everyone for there words of wisdom and support. This really is a great please to get help...
Well to follow up I did make the list of my issues and brought them to the table told her how I felt and what my concerns were and are. She was not happy but it was not like we were screaming and yelling at each other we were talking and I told her that I wanted our marriage to work and I do love her very much. I can not see my life with out her in it I just need her to understand where I am coming from and how past issues still come up that bother me, (she had some trust issues). Anyways we are doing 150% better and we did a lot of talking and worked a lot of things out she knows how I feel. I also told her that from now on I will not come to her with a list of things that bother me. I will come to her when that spicfic situation bothers me. Get it out in the open then not later when its months down the line. I did tell her its not fare for her to think that everything is ok but inside me its not. She will know if there is a problem so we can resolve it then not later.
Again thank you all for you help and I will be sure to keep you all posted on our progress.
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movingon2
Platinum
Reged: 12/06/07
Posts: 209
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"Anyways we are doing 150% better"
Thanks for sharing your good news...it is refreshing news especially on a site such as this. Best wishes are sent your way.
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