mistake#2
Platinum
Reged: 07/19/06
Posts: 3268
Loc: Florida
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Okay GIGI, WHY are you asking this question?
Why on earth would someone want to take their ex to dinner to honor them? It's one thing to attend something together to honor the kids, like a graduation dinner, engagement dinner or wedding type of thing...but another to go out of your way to bring the ex out to celebrate something for the EX. Have the kids give them a gift certificate for their favorite restaurant or give the kid the money to bring the parent out to dinner. Giving a gift from the child is one thing, including yourself is just weird.
At this point, not only would I not ever go anywhere with my 2nd ex but I'd probably fall off my chair and put on rubber gloves (get it tested for anthrax) before accepting any gifts.
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Samsung
Platinum
Reged: 06/14/07
Posts: 2223
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The kids and I go shopping for a gift my ex's birthday, Mother's Day and Christmas, because it's what they want to do. They are always inexpensive trinkets, and it makes the kids happy. The kids used to state how they could tell how much mommy and daddy didn't like each other, yet they never saw or heard any arguements. It told me that non-verbal language speaks volumes. I've wanted to show them that even folks that didn't love each other anymore, still love their children regardless, and could work together. It didn't matter that the ex was a lying, cheating scum at one time. It isn't about me or her. It's about the kids.
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 5176
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Question was asked because MFergel was planning to do that on a thread that only one or two people were reading and I thought it deserved a wider audience. He is trying to talk himself into believing that the choice to take her to dinner (mind you, one month after the separation and less than 24 hours after he claims to have given up on reconciliation), is totally platonic and simply in appreciation for all she's done. His stbx had responded in a way that said to me that she's trying not to hurt him, but really not wanting him to get his hopes up, and he is insisting that it won't get his hopes up and it's long overdue that he appreciated her.
It probably is long overdue, but everything I've seen him say about her, she's OVER it and at the very least needs some space. His belief that 24 hours worth of his own decision that reconciliation is probably not possible, is enough SPACE, so ... well...
I just felt it might help him (and some others who have harbored hopes of eventual reconciliation) to see how the women feel about gestures like this. In my own opinion, it will either give someone false hope (the one who wants to reconcile, and teh CHILDREN, who are the real problem), OR it will totally creep them out. There really is no happy medium on this question. I guess some of the answers on this thread were proving that... like DUH, stupid question, how dumb could I be?
But it's interesting how a person who has some hope left in the back of their mind can talk themselves into something like this without batting an eye, thinking it'll be a great thing for all involved, and not thinkgin it'll confuse the kids at all or hurt anyone.
You know, it seems to me to be a form of twisting logic, but I cant' quite put my fingers on exactly how to describe it... even though I aced "formal logic" in college, I can't figure out how to describe this phenemonon where hope springs eternal and people ignore obvious facts in the effort to convince themselves to do something...
I take it that mother's day with the ex would not be your most pleasant thought of how to spend the day?
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mrpat
Platinum
Reged: 09/12/07
Posts: 2763
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A view from the other side if I may. I don't know that anything could make me happy. That said I've told my ex and my children that whatever they want to do on "special" days I'll do. I'm not going to die or lose a limb just going to dinner or whatever else the three of them decide. A little less pride or a little pain is worth the happiness of others. I feel I can recover from it and put it behind me knowing I did what I could in the name of family, broken or not.
My life is about showing I can still do somethings right from time to time.
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ttina
Platinum
Reged: 02/28/08
Posts: 398
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Honestly, if ex wanted to take me out I wouldn't go. I don't think I could be civil to a man I don't respect. IF son wanted it... I would probably suck it up... but I don't see it happening. Thank goodness.
As for gifts... It took me five years to take the gift he gave me for my b-day (10 months after seperation) out of the box. I still feel weird having in my home, but son asked why I didn't use it... and I couldn't very well tell him because when I see it I think of ex and I throw up a little in my mouth.
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mfergel
Platinum
Reged: 02/11/08
Posts: 1468
Loc: Richmond, VA
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Gigi, it's because I'm a dumb ass. It's because I spent too many years not fully appreciating what my wife did in raising our daughter. It's because she's a wonderful women who sacrificed her time to fill in where I failed. It's because I feel I owe her something for doing what I didn't...........and what difference does it make? I backed out. I'll go out that night with friends instead. See how far I can bury my body into the ground before I burn out from avoiding my [censored] future alone.
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Insert witty comment here. 
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saamrodi
Platinum
Reged: 06/14/07
Posts: 2911
Loc: here
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OK, so here's the question: If your ex wanted to do something nice for you for Mother's day, what would you think of it?
---->at this point..."what are you up to". In the future and we are hopefully getting along...nothing but a nice gesture I guess. Nothing more.
How far would be good to acknowledge that he NOW realizes that you're a good mother,
-----> Anything that is "from the the kids" or something stating from ex that he thinks Im a good parent and is grateful for it.
and how far would be too far?
----> something personal that probably he knows about me, my interests that really doesnt have to do with the kids and a mushy card that has nothing to do with how our parenting is.
What would creep you out?
-----> lingerie (sp?) Id probably react to it like something on fire thrown at me.
what would you have thought if, the first Mother's day after the separation, he had said he wanted to take you and the kids out to dinner togehter?
----> I would have thought he wanted to get back together. Been there, done that, just recently ok off the meds. No thanks. Oh...sorry...I rambled didnt I...
I've always suggested that people do the shopping with the kids for the other parent, for birthdays and parent's days, but other than that, anything else is unnecessary and maybe unwelcome.
---> I agree in most cases. Ive seen where it works out though for some with no hidden agenda or one overanalyzing. But most cases, I second that.
So... also, what have been the things that he has done with/for you for mother's day since the separation that have been good?
---> hasnt done anything and honestly doesnt bother me.
And if he's done nothing, was it good?
---> As above, it does not bother me.
is there anything he could have done that would have made you happy?
----> No. I dont want gifts from someone who doesnt care about me or has done the things they have. As for something "from the kids"....no problem...either way. I get "gifts" from my kids daily.
And if you believe that being together would have made you happy, is this because YOU had been hoping for a reconciliation?
---> Actually, during the LONG DRAWN OUT MESS. I did want my ex back, I didnt think I would automatically be happy. I thought if I could make him happy, then I would be. Realize that now, not then.
And if you did NOT want reconciliation and he wanted to be together with you on Mother's day, would you have apprecitated it or been put out by it?
----> Ive been on both extremes. Wanting reconciliation, not wanting it.
***misunderstood question***
Not wanting reconciliation and him wanting to spend with me or us?
me?.....oh hell no...oops..sorry
us? No problem. Just a day for the kids to enjoy and a chance for us to learn to be civil.
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"...And what a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses..."
Edited by saamrodi (05/04/08 12:45 AM)
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numbnms
Platinum
Reged: 10/18/07
Posts: 708
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What I did was helped the kids make her plaster hands prints (they are 2 and 4), wrapped them up nicely and put the presents in their backpacks for her to get this afternoon when we switch for the weekend. I got the kids something to give her for Christmas as well (was returned unopened and a nasty letter about how she didnt want anything from me even though the kids names were on the card). She is still their mother and I wanted to make sure they were able to give her something on her day. If she chooses not to accept it because I helped them make it then I hope she returns them as well because they were really cute and I have the perfect place for them to go in my home office.
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Forget waiting for the storm to pass
Learn to dance in the rain
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Samsung
Platinum
Reged: 06/14/07
Posts: 2223
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I took my youngest shopping to get her mom her favorite plant, favorite type of chocolate, and a card. Although my ex's husband has taken care of these things aleady, my daughter wanted to get things that she feels are more personal to her mom, and from her as an individual. I'm proud of her for feeling that way.
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mfergel
Platinum
Reged: 02/11/08
Posts: 1468
Loc: Richmond, VA
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Aside from the dinner that I told her to have on me, my daughter and I made some wall art with dried flowers, acrylic frames, paper, etc. and we also made some tie dye t-shirts so that her and her mom could have matching shirts. My daughter absolutely loved making them. We are going to take the rubber bands off tomorrow so she will get to see how they came out.
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Insert witty comment here.
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