mis100374
New
Reged: 04/29/08
Posts: 8
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I'm thinking of divorce. Been married for 11 years. Got married at 22 yrs old. Been in marriage counceling twice. 1st time was the 1st year of marriage. I just recently found out that he was thinking about moving out in the summer because he wasn't "getting any"....that and I did loose his trust by kissing another guy, but I haven't felt like we have had a marriage in a long time. (no excuse!) I talk to him about it all the time, but he really isn't my type of guy, and really never was. I was in love with the thought of being married instead of being in love with the man I was marrying. Then as we talk about the fact that we have 2 children and we are good friends that maybe it is best for us to leave now as friends. Then today he tells me I'm going through a mid life crisis and that I don't know what I want because he wants and thinks it can work....WHAT????
I'm just looking to see if it really is ok for me to say I tried and I don't think it's going to work.
Oh, he still lives in the house and kids have no idea how we feel. I can't finacially do it on my own right now until my youngest is in 1st grade (1 1/2 yrs from now). What am I going to do?? I don't see us together forever.
Sorry for rambling...........
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undecided 72
Gold
Reged: 09/24/07
Posts: 177
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Actually You're a little young for a "mid-life crisis" and if your husband doesn't get a clue here then there will be trouble ahead. Take it from an "old man" whose been there and back.
You say he's really not your type, is this a new revelation? You, your husband and 2 kids, that's a lot of emotional fragility to play with. When you dig deep into your message, there are actually a lot of contradictions in what you're saying. "he really isn't my type of guy" "we are good friends". Truth is lot's of "guys" are good at finding out what a woman's type is and then act the part during the seduction phase. The fact that you are still friends after 11 years is a pretty good indicator that he may actually be "your type". Also be very weary of guys that you meet that "relate" to your marital problems (sorry for the liberal use of quotes here) anyone willing to start a relationship with a married person is perfectly fine with emotional dishonesty - not a good quality in a partner.
I think your problem with your husband right now is that neither of you feel that your needs are being met. "gettin' any" is just a way for guys to say they don't feel connected to their wives in a way that doesn't make them sound emotionally weak, the "any" isn't just physical. Ironically, it sounds like maybe your husband and you are more on the same page then you realize.
My instinct here is that it's not time to pack it in and call an attorney, but maybe another counselor, you've tried twice, the first time one year into your marriage and 10 years later you're still married. That's not necessarily an indication of failure. Reconnecting sounds hard right now because you both aren't getting your needs met, you both don't trust each other to meet those needs, so you are both protecting yourselves emotionally. Check out the "life after" posts and see how much fun the other side can be and maybe reconnecting won't sound so bad.
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mfergel
Platinum
Reged: 02/11/08
Posts: 1468
Loc: Richmond, VA
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I agree. Please seek some counseling. You are growing further apart not because you don't belong together but because you aren't seeing the signs of meeting each others needs. Do this immediately or you will wind up in the same situation as myself, too little too late. I've gotten a lot out of a book called "Divorce Busting". It really shows a lot of instances where the other person may be making an effort to strengthen the relationship, but the other partner isn't seeing those.
Please, start looking into the counseling as soon as possible, even if it's by yourself. You'll probably find that small changes you make will result in changes from your mate even if they don't attend.
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Insert witty comment here. 
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mis100374
New
Reged: 04/29/08
Posts: 8
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As far as this being a new revolation....not really...as I was walking down the isle to be married I was thinking, well if it doesn't work then there is always divorce. Should have done something then but didn't. I just feel as if we have tried so hard already....should marriage be this stressful. I feel as if I'm taking away from my kids when I'm not happy. And right now I'm not happy. He doesn't want to do counceling again because the last time we did it didn't help or change anything.
All of this is so exhausting, and thank you for all of the advice.
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mfergel
Platinum
Reged: 02/11/08
Posts: 1468
Loc: Richmond, VA
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Counseling will only change things if people are willing to make the changes. You also need to move past the "they need to make the change first". Make some of the changes now to you and the relationship. Don't expect anything back immediately. Look and see if it produces small changes back to you.
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Insert witty comment here.
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happy2beme
New
Reged: 03/26/08
Posts: 20
Loc: Tennessee
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If you feel like you want to help your marriage grow, then you never stop trying. It sounds to me that when you where walking down the isle you were already setting up in your mind for it to fell. Only you can change you. It does sound like your husband doesn't want to lose you.
At least you read the signs before it was to late. Mine moved out and I do not even wish that pain on my worst enemy.
When it comes down to it only you can change you. And please if you want your marriage to work and last. Get the image of divorce out of your head.
There is this book called 5 langauges of love. It breaks down the 5 different needs that people feed off of. ( It works on everyone you love.) Like I mentioned he left. I have been feeding his need though and he is starting to have second thoughts about leaving. I would have to beg my kids to do things, clean room, etc. I started working on their needs. They do what I ask now and there are times I get a yes maam.
Whatever you decide, make sure you take care of yourself.
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Love yourself first. Then you can love others.
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mis100374
New
Reged: 04/29/08
Posts: 8
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Let me put this out there...I lost my mother at 15 years old. Went away to college for 1 year and went from being restricted to things at home to freedom. Then came home from that and got a job and went to school nights. Met another guy who was wonderful and unfortunately watched him slowly pass away of cancer. 6 weeks after I moved out with my husband. We went on 2 dates then started "playing house" We argued constantly and even on the day he proposed to me we were in a 4 hour agruement that just wouldn't end. It all started too fast and wrong in my eyes. But now we have children. I feel like I'm living with my brother rather then my husband. We have tried to make time for us, but it's not easy with kids and when we do have time it's awkward to be with just him.
On a good note, we have talked about everything and I feel the pressure and stress is no longer there since we have thought about separating and/or divorce.
Does this make any sense???
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undecided 72
Gold
Reged: 09/24/07
Posts: 177
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I believe that we owe it to our children to be happy, because ultimately our children learn what happiness is from us and if we can't achieve it then it will be that much harder for them. If that means divorced then that is what it should be. I am just wondering why you consciously posted to a forum entitiled "preventing divorce" if you feel it is the best choice for you?
11 years sounds like a long time to stay with someone just for the security of being married, but it does sound like you had a lot of uncertainty when you were younger, so it is possible that you are ready to discover yourself. With the right partner you could do that and stay married, I'm not saying your husband is or isn't the right partner, just that you can find yourself and grow with someone at the same time.
Know this though, soulmates are made not found. We have more control over our emotions then we realize. We choose to love people. The fact that we have control over the situation doesn't make the feelings less intense or less real, it actually makes them more real and intense, because our love and admiration is based on tangible things, not fantasy. The reason I bring this up is that before you and your husband decide to begin the emotional turmoil of seperation and divorce make sure you are aware of what you are giving up.
I'm really not trying to talk you out of anything, I just think based on what you have said that the anxieties you are feeling may be based internally rather then in your relationship with your husband. So I think you need to work on yourself as an individual if your husband is a hindrance to that then seperation maybe the right thing, just realize your choosing a very hard path.
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Ang22007
Platinum
Reged: 06/05/07
Posts: 299
Loc: NM
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Mis,
This could have been my post so I have some tough love for you. Your post should have said, when is it ok to give up, because I stopped trying a long time ago. Sounds like neither one of you have made much of an effort, but at least your husband wants to stay married.
The guys have already given you some great advice.
I was faced with my hubby falling in love with another woman. I had taken our marriage and him for granted for a long time. I, like you, thought that divorce was always an easy option. I didn't see the pain and all the repercussions that come with it. I hope that your husband doesn't turn to another, but dang it was an eye opener as to how much I actually did love my husband and how not easy divorce is for everyone.
I went to counseling and just accepted that we were through. He stopped living in a fairy tale and asked me back last June. It's been a struggle since then but way better than it had been. I have gotten some great advice here.
Try some of undecided and mferg's advice, think long and hard about what you truly want. Work on yourself.
I wish you the best.
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Samsung
Platinum
Reged: 06/14/07
Posts: 2223
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I think other posters are being too soft here. This is what I read from your post:
1) You married for marriage sake only
2) You are bored with marriage
3) You had, or are still having an affair.
4) You have cut off your husband from sex.
5) He still wants to work out the marriage with you, but you don't want to.
All of these issues have to do with you. Anyone else see it this way?
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