ttina
Platinum
Reged: 02/28/08
Posts: 398
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I am so pissed I can't stand it. Yesterday it hit me. I am having to use my CREDIT CARD to buy gas. I HATE using my credit card. All because ex hasn't paid support. We were supposed to go to court on the 13th. but it was postponed until 6/10. I was hoping to get some money this month. Ex only pays when he is in front of the judge. It is so frustrating. Ex is taking son to the coast this weekend... but hasn't paid anything in support since the last time we were in court. For the last couple of years I've been able to cut corners on myself (no professional hair cuts in four years, no new tennis shoes, giving up my "girl's week at Myrtle Beach" that I had been going on for five or so years, etc). Now I've cut all the corners on myself as I can. My DH helps greatly, but it is not his responsibility plus he has two of his own we care for and support from his ex is below state standards. I get so angry that I do not talk to anybody because I get mean. Last night the kids had church and I was able to keep my mood from effecting them too much. Son wanted to chit chat after the little ones went to bed. I was able to keep up with him for about 30 minutes, then i turned to him and said... "Son... I am in a funk... I really am not good company tonight" Then he asks what is wrong... I tell him nothing you need to worry about... his response was... "Whenver it is something I don't need to worry about, I find out sooner or later and it is something I need to worry about". He probably figured out it was about support. So now I feel worse.
Ex is now over 10000.00 behind. I am so frustrated and angry. Logically, I know support and visitation are seperate... and I agree it should be. It disgusts me to send Son to a man(?) who refuses to support him financially. It angers me that ex takes son to the coast while I am counting change so I can get him lunch. It thouroughtly pisses me off that the courts don't do anything but threaten him with jail time and once he pays the amount (once a little as 200.00 when he was 5000.00 in arears) he is happy go lucky until the next court date..... in about 3 months or so. What happened to them suspending his license... going after his personal property... somehting that will effect him more than four or so times a year. I have used up all my personal time in the last couple of years for court. And here is the kicker... 6/10.... the next court date... just happens to be my DH and my first anniversary. This is exactly where I want to spend this day.... in court... with my ex because he won't stand up... be a man and financially support his child. DH has 6/10 off and will be in court with me, he's very supportive... it just sucks royally that we have this day tarnished by ex's irresponsibility.
Ohhh BTW... The kids had a 1/2 day of school this Saturday. Ex was early picking up Son from school... so he goes to my boss' house (which is near the school). He tells Boss that he is filing for disability (ummm he's already been denied umpteen million times) because he can't work because of his bad back. WTF!?!?!?! Ummm ex can ride his harley, go deep sea fishing AND work at the shop behind his house but cannot get a job because of his bad back?!?!?! I can tell you why ex can't get a "real" job.... he can't pass the piss test. There... I said it.
I know this is more of a rant than anything else... I just have to get it out before I explode. When it does finally push me over the edge, it is not going to be pretty, and I will probably say/do something I will regret.
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germangirl631
Platinum
Reged: 04/04/08
Posts: 1332
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I take it the X doesn't work? In NJ, they can garnish wages so you're guaranteed your CS. And, if they get into arrears for any reason, they can up the garnishment to catch up on the arrears. But, if he isn't working, I guess there are no wages to garnish. I feel for you. Does this guy get a tax refund? Maybe you could go after something like that? Where is he getting the $$ to take his son vacationing? I would be mad, too.
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ttina
Platinum
Reged: 02/28/08
Posts: 398
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My ex had a mechanic business in the shop behind his house. Supposedly it is closed and he can't work. He has had two short lived jobs where they garnish wages.... I think the longest one was about 3 months. This is the only income he has shown in the last 5 years. He is very knowledgeable about vehicles. He could easily get a job that won't effect his "bad back" and use his mental skills rather than physical ability to earn a paycheck. He could go to any of the dealerships, auto zones, pepboys.... whatever and sale parts BUT he would have to pass a piss test.... he can't do that. He has not filed taxes at all since I left him. He just plain out doesn't care. As far as where he is getting his money... I have no idea. For all I know, his momma and sister are giving him money or he may be selling illegal substances. I do know the house is still in his name because the tax records say so. As per the divorce if he sells the house Son gets 1/2 the selling price. I did not ask for any of the house for me b/c it was his family home and honestly, I didn't want to make him sell it.
I try so hard to turn the other cheek for Son's benefit. Days like today make it so hard to be the better parent. I want to scream at ex... demand he stand up to his responsibilities... Kick something... but none of this would be productive... I would end up looking like an evil ex wife and deranged mother. I am barely holding on to my composure.
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chatter box
Platinum
Reged: 11/09/07
Posts: 1309
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In texas you can loose any one of your state issued licance for non payments. Hunting, fishing, drivers, and of them.
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germangirl631
Platinum
Reged: 04/04/08
Posts: 1332
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The only problem with continuing to turn the other cheek, is in the long run, it won't benefit your son. He has a stressed out mom because of non-payment of CS. That will ultimately affect him. Plus, I take it you don't have the $$ to do the things with your son you'd like to. Is there any way to get a temporary payment while you're waiting for court? This whole thing is just so unfair. It would be great to throw deadbeat dads in jail, but then you'd never get a payment out of them! I really hope and pray something breaks for you soon.
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ttina
Platinum
Reged: 02/28/08
Posts: 398
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Stressed out momma v/s I tell him what I really think about his father... I think the stressed out momma is the lesser of the two evils. DH and I are using part of our stimulus money for a vacation this summer. We reserved and put a deposit down about 2 months ago.... If we'd have waited until this month, we probably wouldn't go at all. Cash is getting very tight. We had Last Friday last week... it is a town wide festival... lots of free activities and booths of all kinds once a month... anyways... I couldn't afford to let the kids get ANYTHING that costs money... balloons... face painting... etc because I didn;t have the cash... I had to pay the mortgage with that week's pay. I have 28.00 in my checking account right now.
I did talk to my caseworker about the delay... she has sent threatening letters... there is not much she can do until court.
The situation is unfair... lol... I feel like a two year old stamping my foot. But honestly there is nothing more I can do. I know I am not the ohly parent who has to deal with irresponsibility in the other parent. And luckily Son is kept out of the middle for the most part.... But this sucks just as much as any other issue I;ve seen on here. On other posts I've been blasted for *gasp* expecting his father to be financially responsible.
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chatter box
Platinum
Reged: 11/09/07
Posts: 1309
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[quote] We had Last Friday last week... it is a town wide festival... lots of free activities and booths of all kinds once a month... anyways... I couldn't afford to let the kids get ANYTHING that costs money... balloons... face painting... etc because I didn;t have the cash...
[/quote]
Ben there done that. Not a good feeling at all. Hang in there and you can stomp your feet here all you want.
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ttina
Platinum
Reged: 02/28/08
Posts: 398
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Yeah, I know you are in the same boat as me.... your ex doesn;t support her daughter as she should. I sometimes want to rent a billboard, post his pic on it and announce to the world what an ass he is.
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justme1961
Gold
Reged: 03/11/08
Posts: 196
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I suddenly find myself in a similar situation. We have been divorced for 4 years and he always paid his child support on time. It was deducted from his paycheck and deposited directly in my bank account. He made very good money (well over $100,000 per year) and our children (now 18 & 14) benefited from it.
As of February 2008 he ceased paying child support. The state child support office became involved to garnish his wages. Then he recently became unemployed, so I only got one check from the state. My 18 year old daughter moved out a few months ago (long story) so my 14 year old son is the only child in the house now. Without bashing his father (which wasn’t easy) and getting into a lot of personal financial information, my husband and I sat him down and told him about the situation. It is a big lifestyle change for him-no more friends sleeping over because we can’t afford to feed the neighborhood, no summer camp, he has to cut back on his dirtbike riding because we can’t afford the gas, he is probably going to lose his cell phone-he understands but he is still a teenager.
We have a hearing later this month. My ex put in a motion to stop paying child support for our daughter because she moved out. I am fine with that because I am not supporting her either, but he hasn’t paid child support for both children in a year( he was only paying for one due to a custody dispute which he later dropped) and now he is not paying at all. Around the same time we (my lawyer and I) received notice of a hearing for his motion, my lawyer filed her own motion for contempt (non-payment of child support, alimony, & extraordinary/medical expenses plus he ignored a court order to provide income documentation in order to calculate arrears on child support-she also threw in legal fees for all the times she has had to bring forward contempt charges).
The court decided to hear my motion on the same date as my ex’s, so he actually did me a favor by putting in his motion. Otherwise I would have to wait for months to get a hearing date. When I got the hearing notice it stated in bold, capital letters he had to provide a valid reason why he was not in contempt (which he can’t) or he was facing incarceration. He can’t even put in for a continuance because he is the one who initiated the hearings. So, I think he will either come up with the money or not show up at all. He claims he is broke, yet last weekend when my son was visiting him they went out to eat twice, they took him and his friend with them when the went to play pool, and my son came home with a brand new pair of sneakers from Journey’s in the mall (not cheap). I bought him 2 pairs of shoes (Reebok pumps and skatershoes) when school started. Apparently, he wore out the soles of his skatershoes riding his dirtbike and didn’t want to tell me. I am pretty sure my ex will try to use the fact he bought my son sneakers against me in court (he probably took pictures-he has done it before).
I completely understand the art of scrimping. Fortunately my daughter is studying cosmetology, so she cuts my hair. The summer is going to suck. We have a boat which we can’t use because we can’t afford the gas. We have an inground pool which we will probably not be using because we can’t afford the electricity to run the pump. Hopefully it won’t be stinking hot because we can’t afford to run the AC. A vacation is out of the question. My son is growing like a weed which means he is always hungry. Both kids are graduating from their schools this year. For the longest time I wanted to have a big graduation bash. Now that isn’t going to happen. And to top it off we have my husband's 2 daughters EOW and 2 weeks in July, more mouths to feed...ARGH!
My family offered financial assistance. We reluctantly took it. I don’t see an end in sight for this mess.
Sorry to ramble…I feel your pain.
Edited by justme1961 (05/01/08 02:30 PM)
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ttina
Platinum
Reged: 02/28/08
Posts: 398
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My son is 14 also.
I discussed with him that money will be tight. He actually offered to watch little man and little girl for free. We won't let him do that. He works he's going to get paid. But he can't take guitar this summer nor go to camp. But being the big man he is becoming he has given us (DH & I) permission to send little man and little girl to camp and he won't feel bad about it. Talk about twisting the knife in my heart.
WHY should these kids do without b/c their other parent won't support them? I know there are legitimate reasons why someone must stop working... BUT in the cases where the other parent decides I don't want to work anymore isn't a valid reason. I get soooo mad with adults who EXPECT others to take care of thier responsibilities. sigh...
Our vacation is two nights in a hotel (great wolf Lodge) then three at DH's parent's house. If we can make it until Feburary my truck will be paid off... then the following September DH's truck will be paid off. Then we will see about more econimical gas vehicles. Possibly a motorcycle for DH... his commute is about 45 minutes, mine is about 15. Then the following December Son will be 16.... and driving.... insurance alone will go up 3000.00+ a year.
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justme1961
Gold
Reged: 03/11/08
Posts: 196
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Oh, ya I know what you mean. When the kids express their understanding and you wind up feeling worse. Last week my son had spring vacation. Per the divorce decree it is my week. His father has NEVER taken him (or my daughter) for his vacation week (February), the last time he took the kids for his summer vacation (2 weeks) was in 2004 and last year he blew off his week between Christmas and New Years. EOW visitation is a joke. My daughter wants nothing to do with her father. When my son goes to his father’s house, he normally goes sometime Saturday afternoon and he gets dropped off at home after church on Sunday. Last weekend was the first time my son visited with his father for the entire weekend (Friday night thru Sunday night). Gee, I wonder why that is…Maybe because we are going to court in a few weeks?
Anyway, because I have used most of my vacation time for court hearings (and I get over 4 weeks) I could not even spend any time with my son. So, I let him invite a friend over for a few to go dirtbiking-my husband is on SSDI so he is home all day. (We bought him a bike last fall and he had been itching to ride it all winter-waiting for all the snow to melt.) One night we ordered pizza, he told me we didn’t have to spend money on him and his friend. I bought gas for them almost everyday (my husband went with them one day too). My son told me I didn’t have to buy gas-he wouldn’t ride everyday (he LOVES riding). I told him not to worry about it, it was his vacation and he deserved to have fun (plus it was beautiful weather all week). But…I told him I couldn’t keep buying gas everyday.
I know the whole insurance deal from my daughter...her grades weren’t good enough to get a discount, so we paid more. I paid for driver’s ed and for her to get her license. My ex took her because I thought she would be less nervous in his sedan than in the big SUV I was driving at the time, but he wouldn’t pay the fee. About a month after she got her license my husband and I bought her a used car. Then, my husband put new brakes and some other stuff on it. What he couldn’t do, we sent to a mechanic. So, she probably drove the thing for a week and a half before it had an electrical fire in the dashboard and burned to the ground in our driveway. Luckily she was at home and not driving it. So she drove my car off and on for a few months (and got into 3 accidents).
I looked up Great Wolf Lodge…is it an indoor waterpark? There were a few listed so I wasn’t sure. If it is that place, it looks like fun! Good thing we don’t have any around here or my son would want to go there.
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ttina
Platinum
Reged: 02/28/08
Posts: 398
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Yes, The great Wolf Lodge is a waterpark... we are going to the one in Virginia. I would have loved to go to the beach for a week, but even though I have a freind who has a condo on the beach it would cost 750.00 for a week (great price) but if we were to pay that, we would have no money to eat or vacation on. With GWL, it is 500.00 for two nights... includes admission (3 days) room, towels... etc... and since DH's parents live 45 minutes away we can spend the rest of the week with them. It was the only way we could finance it reasonably... again... we planned on this four months ago... if I hadn't already paid the deposit... we wouldn't be going.
Your son knows you are doing the best you can... He loves you for it.
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golightly
Gold
Reged: 04/10/07
Posts: 141
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ttina -
It is clear as day to me what your ex is doing. He has a trade/skill that he is indeed using to make money. He just has his customers pay him cash, so that there is no paper trail (w-2's or 1099's or even bank records). He is even trying to use his lack of income (haha) to try to defraud the gov't into giving him disability benefits. Dirtbag all around!
You've got a couple of options here, if you want to pursue them:
Do a brainstorm about all the things he spends money on - eg the trip with your son. Then, document the things he does (ie keep a journal) that would seem to contradict a back injury. When you go to his house to pick up/ drop off your son, be observant - do you notice cars there that are not his that he may be "working" on? Take notes. Present all of this to the judge - and he will surely side with you.
That said, how are you going to ACTUALLY get blood from this stone? As you say, no wages to garnish etc... In a way, you almost don't need the judge. Once youhave a nice little stack of documented "notes," I would send them to your ex with a note that says your next step is to share the notes with the IRS and Social Security Office and police (re fraudulent disability claims), unless he starts sending cash your way so that your son doesn't have to lead a bare bones existence.
Sometimes you gotta stoop to their level. Just be careful not to involve your son in this - even to the extent of picking his brain for "evidence" - that's just not a healthy road to go down for either of you.
In the interim, have you tried the following tact? "When jr. is with you this weekend, can you take him to the mall and get him some new tennis shoes? He desperately needs them and we just can't afford it right now...." OR: "The fee for junior's summer camp is $X - here is the form to send in with the money. He really enjoys this every year..."
Another option is this: Make yourself forget about the money. This sounds hard, but actually might be the easiest and healthiest route for you, becuase it doesn't sound like the "system" has a way of making him pay up. Just because you choose to forget about it, does not make what he is doing "right" or absolve him of any guilt - but will take a load off your psyche. I'm sure you know a family or a single mom who gets by on less than what you do. Make them/ her your role model. Also, don't be too proud to accept or ask for help from your family. My sister in law had a child, and the father was an under-employed abusive alcoholic who already had 4 kids with 2 other women. She knew she didn't want this man in her kid's life (he beat her while she was pregnant!) so she has foregone any child support. It's tough for her, but she words really hard, and has her parents financial and logistical support (free daycare, transport, etc....) We set up a college fund for my neice; the other uncles make sure the little girl gets extra presents from them at X-mas and b-days....It's what family is about.
Good Luck to you.
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ttina
Platinum
Reged: 02/28/08
Posts: 398
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you're right... it is up to me how I react. When I wrote this post I was frustrated. I don't count on money from ex... it would be pointless. Son will have what he needs, and when he is grown he will know who took care of him financially. I have to throw myself a little pity party every now and again.
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asadmom
New
Reged: 05/07/08
Posts: 21
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[quote]In texas you can loose any one of your state issued licance for non payments. Hunting, fishing, drivers, and of them. [/quote]
Does this work if the court order is from another state? Our child support order is from Fl. EX is now a TX resident and I live in NC. He is now two months behind and I am just getting the paperwork started. Do you know how TX handles things from out of state courts?
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chatter box
Platinum
Reged: 11/09/07
Posts: 1309
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I would think so if the Texas attorney generals office went after him. I would think that FL. would have to be the state to initiate the forced payments but here you have to be three months or $500 behind.
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asadmom
New
Reged: 05/07/08
Posts: 21
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Thanks. He will be $3200. behind very shortly. I sent the paperwork yesterday to get copies of my court order from Fl. Talked to Fl and they say that since the children (actually child because one is now in college) live in NC that it will have to be handled here. Talked to NC and they say they will take over as soon as they have copies of the court order. Goodness, by he time I get all of this done he will be $6000. or more behind! I don't get it...support your kids, how hard is it? He has millions in assets and no job. This sucks.
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ttina
Platinum
Reged: 02/28/08
Posts: 398
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Welcome to my state!!! I will say I have a great relationship with my CS caseworker. It isn;t her fault ex won't pay. Does your ex have a steady paycheck? they can have his employer withdraw the CS directly from his paycheck.
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asadmom
New
Reged: 05/07/08
Posts: 21
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[quote]Welcome to my state!!! I will say I have a great relationship with my CS caseworker. It isn;t her fault ex won't pay. Does your ex have a steady paycheck? they can have his employer withdraw the CS directly from his paycheck. [/quote]
He claims he is now working. He has never had a real job before. There lies the problem. He may, in fact, be working but the paycheck will be minimal. He has millions in assets but no income per say. My child support was based on his assets. He is now claiming a ton of debt and that his assets are "tied up" and he can't sell anything. He wants child support based on his paycheck. It will drop my support from $1750 a month to less than $500. Right now though, he is behind. He skipped Feb. Then paid March and April. He has not paid May's and claims he won't.
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ttina
Platinum
Reged: 02/28/08
Posts: 398
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My ex is over 10000.00 behind. We have done the court merry go round since I filed in 2005. We were seperated in 2004. I averaged it out... ex has paid less than 75.00 of the ordered child support of 499.00 per month. He will pay when infront of a judge, but not any other time. Ex hasn't paid his portion of medical/dental (2000.00).... nor has he paid me the amounts owed to me from the divorce decree (approx 3000.00). I have court on 6/10 again... the last time we were in court the judge (finally) said something about seziure of assets. My case worker is filing paperwork about suspending or limiting his license. I will prepare you... collecting CS from someone who refuses to pay is a long drawn out process. NOTHING happens overnight. And just because you have a child support order doesn't mean he will pay.
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Down
Platinum
Reged: 12/19/06
Posts: 465
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Too true. I just recently turned my case over to the county, too. X is over $3000 behind and has quit paying completely despite the court order.
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ttina
Platinum
Reged: 02/28/08
Posts: 398
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When will it stop????
I hope i am jumping the gun here... school office said two weeks ago it would be the last day of school.... 6/9.... the school website calender says 6/10
I am talking about 8th grade graduation/awards. Apparently happening the same time as court. Ex's nonsupport of his child has interfered in my life too many damn times. I do not have to be at court... not that it would be a choice.... I'mma be at graduation. I will talk to the caseworker and see if she can bump it to later in the day. It cannot be postponed because ex has been served.
I am tired of my life being effected by ex's stupid choices. I divorved him dammit!!! Yes, I know he is the father of my child... I have come to terms with him being in my life.... but I left because of his irresponsibility, drug use and immaturity (ironically he is 22 years older than me). Last night DH wanted to take me out.. all I wanted to do was mope at home with a few drinks. I was NOT good company. DH went to his 2nd job and I could have went along but I couldn't stand to be around myself... I knew I'd be a downer so I stayed home. Why does this man keep interfereing with my life? DH says I need to talk directly to ex.... to have it out with him. I am so afraid that if I were to start I couldn't stop.... I would say do things that would effect son. I work so damn hard at being neutral when it comes to ex and son's relationship.... Ex doesn't pay support but just this past weekend takes son to see iron man and buys him the AVP2 game. Son comes home saying how great his dad is.... I taste blood from biting my tounge... I wanna ask son.... so I'm not so great.... I keep aroof over your head, insurance, and food in your belly?!?!? But that is expected of me.... why isn't it expected of his father?
Yeah I am a momma... I do it because I love son, not for recognition or even a thank you. because I do not want to alienate son from father I spend most days with the taste of blood in my mouth and tears in my eyes and a great amount of anger at the situation. This high road sh!t is for the birds.
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ttina
Platinum
Reged: 02/28/08
Posts: 398
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Son just called.... apparently he's won a movie dvd... at Frankie's.... another of the things I cannot afford. Frankies is like a teenager chuck e cheese.... full of video gmaes and tokens to turn in for prizes. IT SUCKS that his dad will take him but not pay support.
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Samsung
Platinum
Reged: 06/14/07
Posts: 2222
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You've really got the wrong outlook on some of this. Anything that benefits the child, whether from you or their dad, is good for the child.
My ex married someone whole family has "old" money, and they have probably 10X the income I have, or more. My kids benefit from the higher lifestyle at their home, regardless if I can't provide the same here.
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ttina
Platinum
Reged: 02/28/08
Posts: 398
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If you read some of my posts, i have overlooked alot because it benefits Son... that has been my mantra for five years... I am finding it hard to keep this outlook when my face is being shoved in the inequities of the responsibility/fun factor. It is threatening to drag me into a depression. This is where I'm at today.
Plus ex says he can't pay CS... continues to do the fun stuff and won't get a job that drafts out CS payments
Edited by ttina (05/10/08 03:36 PM)
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Samsung
Platinum
Reged: 06/14/07
Posts: 2222
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I'm sorry, and I can relate to what you are saying. I've been in the same boat (although from another angle) for many years. I've learned to accept it and more or less celebrate it, rather than have it get me down. From a parental standpoint, I know I give far more to my kids than my ex, and there is satisfaction in that.
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ttina
Platinum
Reged: 02/28/08
Posts: 398
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If it were a matter of extra... I'd be happy for son. I am glad for oppritunities.... I am trying to push him to go on a missionary trip with the teens with our church to philidelphia this summer... habitat for humanity type experience. Son refuses. I want hime to have all the oppritunities I didn't. My anger is with ex who goes out and does all the fun stuff and leaves me with the mundane and no support. I don't tell son about CS other than when we have court (at son's request). This is starting to eat at me. Maybe it was the 10,000.00 mark that did it, I dunno. My mantra isn't working.
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nucleus
Bronze
Reged: 04/02/08
Posts: 43
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hey ttina,
man i feel your pain. i am just starting this whole process and stbx hasn't paid me a dime. it is hard to seperate visitation and child support only b/c they get to be the good time charlie all the time and we the mother's have to do the heavy lifting. the only satisfaction i have in all of this, and what keeps me going everyday, is the fact, one day the kids will figure it out and you won't have to say a word. i have this internal rage and i can't let it out. when my son goes to bed that is when i cry. i just don't understand why some men can't step up? even if they didn't want to give you the money, ok, fine, write the check out directly to the bill collector. i don't care! KWIM? anyway, i just wanted to offer support and let you know that you are not alone.
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justme1961
Gold
Reged: 03/11/08
Posts: 196
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It sounds like we are both in the same place. The anger towards my ex and his lack of support (both financially and parentally) consumes me. My husband tells me to let it go, but I can’t. Maybe things will be different after court next week.
I saw my daughter yesterday. She told me my ex is going to try to get custody of my son. He tried this last year, we got tangled in a big mess (in 2 different courts) and then he DROPPED HIS MOTION FOR CUSTODY. WTF! Now, he wants to try again. It is all about the money with him-he has told others he would like nothing better than for ME to pay child support to HIM. My son is not a yo-yo. My husband and I provide a very stable and loving home for him.
This weekend was my ex’s visitation-but I am supposed to have the kids on Mother’s Day. So, he dropped my son off at my house at 6:00am yesterday. He didn’t have his keys and we can’t hear the doorbell from our bedroom, but luckily the dogs went wild when they heard him. He came in all excited because Dad and his wife had a party Saturday night and he met a guy who played in the NFL for a short time. Supposedly this guy is going to mentor my son in football. Football is his (my son’s) life.
I think my son sees what his father is doing, but I am not certain. I refuse to talk to him about it. I know for certain my daughter gets it. My ex and his wife are both habitual liars and love nothing better than to stir up trouble. They both need to grow up!
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