justgottabreathe
Platinum
Reged: 08/01/06
Posts: 1617
Loc: Michigan
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IMHO...........
Don't chase her.
I know it's hard and you want to "fix" this as soon as possible, but if nothing else........she doesn't seem to be ready to discuss it let alone make any decisions.
Keep in contact. But also be aware that if you are the one constantly calling her, and she is promising to call you, and not following through...........then that's a huge red flag right there.
Take as good care of yourself as you can. And stay open to working on things, but if you're the only one making the effort.......it isn't going to fly.
I'm sorry you are having a rough time.
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Anne Marie
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Been there, done that, got the t-shirt:)
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ATVILLAS
Platinum
Reged: 05/12/07
Posts: 2291
Loc: Lost in the post D maze!!
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I have to agree with Just, you need to give her a little breathing room. Even if you feel you need to contact her every day or two try and keep it to how she is and stuff like that. When she is ready she will bring the topic up. JMO
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Help someone smile today!!!
Welcome to paradise!!!
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tookway2much
Platinum
Reged: 03/31/08
Posts: 627
Loc: Going toward the light!
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Dear Lord, What a sad position to be in. Our thoughts and prayers are with you. Do hope you get everything you want in
life, but somehow fill it's not going to be with her. So many times as we grow thru the rough times we also grow apart. We are here for you.
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I don't worry about the people in my past. There is a reason they are not in my future.
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heartbrokenguy
Bronze
Reged: 05/01/08
Posts: 42
Loc: Ohio
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Once again, I thank you all for your support, kind words, and advice...the last of which I am taking to heart, even though it is tough to do.
I am going to her graduation tomorrow. I view this as OUR accomplishment, just as I did my graduation from graduate school. Her family has been kind to me through this, so I am hoping the evening will not be too painful. Still, I am scared out of my mind about it.
I have also started sorting through the financial issues (just in case). I figure better safe than sorry.
After tomorrow night I am vowing to let her have as much space as she needs. Just talking to her every day or two has been hard enough...I was always the guy who called from work to check on her, called her phone the moment I got home if she wasn't here, etc...always just to hear her voice and make sure she was okay. But talking has done no good...and I think you guys are right. If she is going to come back, she has to do it in her time. And if not...well...i'm trying to deal with that, even if the idea kills me.
One day at a time...or hour...sometimes minute...
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MsP75243
New
Reged: 05/12/08
Posts: 3
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I'm very sorry to hear your story but is is similar to a lot I've seen and heard. In my honest opinion, I believe your wife has set her sights on greener pastures. This was not an overnight decision on her part. It doesn't sound that she had fully coped with her loss when the two of you married. Is it possible you were the rebound guy? You did say you were friends for years before it evolved into a relationship.
I don't mean to offend you in any way, just giving you different ways of looking at the situation. Best wishes to you...
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heartbrokenguy
Bronze
Reged: 05/01/08
Posts: 42
Loc: Ohio
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One of my friends is convinced at this point that I was the rebound guy. This is certainly a possibility. Heck of a long rebound though...
In light of her graduation coinciding with the situation, perhaps "greener"...or "different" to make myself feel better...pastures is the issue. There is a thread in the Life After forum that may actually explain the heart of my issue. As much as I hate to admit it, this whole thing might come down to differing views on what love is.
Anyway, I went to her graduation on Friday. Probably the most painful night of my life (so far). Afterwards, I told her I would let her have her space, and that if she wants to talk she should call me. Haven't heard from her since. She says she is confused, that she doesn't know what she wants. But at this point, it feels like she is just waiting for me to give up.
Ugh...wait and see time...
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LostWithoutHope
New
Reged: 03/31/08
Posts: 13
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I understand that you are frustrated, but if you do choose to love your spouse, you must never give up. Give space, yes (that is what I am trying to do with my wife) - however, anything worth having is worth fighting for!
I am not sure what the thread in life after was referring to. I know that just very recently I have been enlightened to the fact that love is not just some feeling that happens (that we have it or we don't) - rather, it is a conscious choice that we all make. It is the same as choosing to be mad or indifferent about something. Life is a series of choices. If you choose to love your spouse, you must choose to give her the time needed to "figure out what she wants".
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heartbrokenguy
Bronze
Reged: 05/01/08
Posts: 42
Loc: Ohio
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Hi all,
Just a quick update, not that there is much to say. We have not spoken since her graduation. I told her the ball was in her court, that she should call when when she wanted to talk or had something to say. She said she would think about things. That was more than two weeks ago.
I'm not sure how much longer I can live like this. I love her with all my heart, but to be treated this way is too much to bear. None of her "reasons" for wanting to, as she put it, "split up," can explain this kind of behavior. To throw someone away like garbage...I cannot imagine doing this to someone who has loved you, and always put your needs before theirs, over the past almost 7 years.
I have my second psychologist appointment tomorrow. I'm hoping she can give me some guidance as to what I can do, both for me and my marriage. I love my wife, but I am starting to think that too much damage has been done.
On the plus side, I am starting to feel a little more like myself...and more important, I am becoming more comfortable with the idea of being by myself.
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hamsterkitten
New
Reged: 05/29/08
Posts: 2
Loc: Iowa
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It's tough because once someone has "checked out" of the marriage, they have often thought it through and really want to go through with it.
You owe it to yourself to regain a bit of you and move on. Although it seems like your life might have a dim future, you now have more possibilities than ever! Remember, time heals all wounds.
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"Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are." - Kurt Cobain
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