Tardy71
New
Reged: 05/05/08
Posts: 3
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Here is my situation. My ex-to be and i are seperated and working on obtaining a divorce. She has met someone and supposedly fallen in love in 3 months.
Anyways, she wants to move with my two boys ages 3 and 20 months to a city thats about 3 and a hour hours away from where we currently live. She says she will bring them to me every other weekend.
My lawyer thinks this to be a bad idea and so do i. Although i have never had a reason to distrust her, im not sure of how the future will unfold when or if she moved. Am i stupid for even considering agreeing to this until the divorce is final and a custody agreement is hammered out?
Jason
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JenH03
Platinum
Reged: 02/07/08
Posts: 227
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I would really advise against allowing her to move with the children. Three hours is quite a distance and you'll eventually end up becoming just a visitor to them. Tell her she can move 3 hours away, but the children stay with you. More often than not, that is how the courts see it. If you want to stay close to your kids, I'd really urge you not to agree to allow her to take them so far away.
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KGrow
Platinum
Reged: 01/27/06
Posts: 3153
Loc: Colorado
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This is not ground you need to give. A move is not in the best interests of the children. It is not in your interest. You should not be considering voluntarily agreeing to it.
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Jada
Platinum
Reged: 06/02/07
Posts: 3499
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Letting her move that far away with your children, even if you think it is temporary, is establishing a status quo and will clearly tell the courts that you have no problem being a long-distance parent.
If I were you, I would tell her that she is welcome to move, but the kids aren't moving.
You won't be able to be as involved if they live that far away from you.
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taryn
Platinum
Reged: 05/31/07
Posts: 2509
Loc: standing on the mountaintop! :...
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if she does this before the divorce is over that is not a good idea for you.
does she need to move for employment or anything?
are you seeing the kids on a regular basis currently?
by regular i mean what the court would consider regular?
like at the very least standard order?
--------------------
taryn.
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Starion
Gold
Reged: 03/04/08
Posts: 146
Loc: South Florida
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IMO absolutely not - and yes it is a "stupid" idea to consider at this time unless you don't really care about seeing the kids.
She will bring them to you ? Does that mean you take them back every other weekend ? Or is she going to stay in town and drive them back the next afternoon ? That is 7 hours round trip.... If she takes them both ways she's basically driving the entire weekend. That's a lot of gas that's expensive these days and her whole weekend. Two little kids would be in the car 7 plus hours every other weekend - hardly a joy for anyone - and IMHO really unfair and crappy to the kids. You'll get them about noon or later on Saturday and if you have to take them back you'll basically need to leave at 2 on Sunday to make it back by 9 or 10 that night.
My prediction is this arrangement will end up very short lived. If you let her move now with permission I think you can basically say goodby to your kids and being a dad till their at least teens. Even if the transportation arrangement is in the settlement, once the divorce is final if she changes her mind your pretty much SOL and won't be able to do much about it in reality besides sue for a change in custody which you'll have little chance of because you agreed to this. If that's cool with you then fine - let her move. But no poor me I miss my kids and want to be their father later - your volunteering. Also realize the new guy will basically become your kids dad.
If you want a clean no strings break besides sending a check this way will probably work. If you don't I think you better say no - emphatically.
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jersey girl
Platinum
Reged: 08/07/06
Posts: 1646
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Do not do this. She may be willing to say anything to get them out of town now, but it is a crazy distance.
Bringing them back EOW is nuts. She will stop doing it and your kids will be disconnected. It is not in their interests.
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ttina
Platinum
Reged: 02/28/08
Posts: 398
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I wouldn't agree. What about if you want to go to your child's science fair? What about tee ball practice? What about the child's friends birthday parties? These are all inportant to kids... if she takes them that far away you will potentionally miss out and the kids will miss out.
In my situation DH's ex moved 3 hours away... We have primary custody. She would pick them up from school every weekend and drive back to her home. The kids missed out on parties and extracurriular activities. Thankfully she moved back at the beginning of the school year. If she decides to move again (her husband still lives there) we are going to have to re evaulate custody.
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Tardy71
New
Reged: 05/05/08
Posts: 3
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Thanks for everyones input! I appreciate the feedback. No, she the ex-to-be does not need to move as she is an RN and can find work just about anywhere!
She has known this new for about 3 months and has decided that she is going to marry him. He has no kids and i dont know anything about him.
Our living situation is strange b/c we still live together, so i see my children on a regular basis. One of her main arguments is that i only see them on weekends. Well i work a job 9-6 m-f! That to me is just ridiculous! Any other thoughts and input would be greatly appreciated!
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EZmark
Platinum
Reged: 06/04/07
Posts: 292
Loc: Florida
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YES you are wrong and NO don't do it!!
New person you are being softened up and set up. I hear talk of weekends only already. Stop trusting her you are in the enemy camp. She is in love with someone else and wants the kids, you are an ATM, the court is not your friend.
If you agree to her moving you will be sending checks to her for her BFs entertainment and you MAY be seeing your kids alternating weekends if it's convenient for her.
LISTEN TO YOUR LAWYER, and find out how he plans to win you what and at what cost before you give much money, change horses now if you don't like what you hear.
If you don't want to see the kids much anymore you can trade them for no alimony or more assets or something, but if you DO want any chance of staying dad you better start taking/documenting preventative measures now.(maybe too late already)
IMO, Assuming you want the kids, if she works and makes enough to cover basics, get fired or reduce your income immediately and take care of the kids fulltime setting status quo. Frankly it may be the last set of contiguous days you'll spend with them.
If you have any money now is the time to spend it on the children and yourself, she will be grabbing whetever she can get her hands on with BF providing moral support. You don't want assets. Don't spend more than half, but count on the fact that she will get half of your half if its accessible. Get them the clothing and other things you'll need for them IF you're lucky enough to have them 30% of the time and keep it somewhere else.
I predict that when you say no to the move she will start playing hardball. Get your lawyer to motion a restraining order immediately to prevent her from removing the children from the court's jurisdiction breifly including why it is in their best interests to stay where they are. Otherwise you will find yourself spending several thousand dollars in experts and fees arguing against her motion why it's best for her to move, and the court will side with whats best for her is best for the kids.
IMO, and again I'm no lawyer. If you can settle and settle quickly 2 mos. you are best off. You need to get a settlement offer ON PAPER from her immediately so you know where you stand.
I wish you luck settling but this sounds like the beginning of the stories you read on sites where you go looking for support and find out nice guys end up losing everything. Not that that's always the case, but here you are (assuming you want the kids), about to enter a system totally biased against you, with a cheating slut who is dismissing your time with them, and you're wondering about being nice?
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melanie14
Platinum
Reged: 03/11/06
Posts: 3058
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Don't let your kids go! and Don't play Mr. Nice Guy, it never works for you guys. Does she work now? Or does she stay home with the kids?
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Sarah1014
Platinum
Reged: 04/12/07
Posts: 2354
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There's no flippin way she's going to bring those kids to you every other weekend. She'll probably do it for a few months before it gets old.
She's just in love and blowing smoke up your A$$ right now.
I predict in the future (and this happened to me) she's going to trail off and stop bringing them. Then she'll try to persuade you to make the trip. Then you'll stop seeing your kids period. Well maybe twice a year like my X does.
DON'T LET HER LEAVE WITH THEM. Please listen to everyone here. They know what they're talking about.
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 5176
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Don't agree to stuff with the kids just under the thought that it might keep the peace and make her be more reasonable. It won't. She'll just take waht you give and use that as her new bottom line and try to get more.
My husband, trying to keep the peace, let his ex take control when he left her. She took advantage of it. Eventually he was able to get the money issues straightened out properly (mostly, there were a few things that couldn't be fixed, but those were not so important to him as they were to her), but because he had set a precedent on the kid issues by letting her take control, suggesting to the judges and therapists & evaluators that this was something he did not find offensive, he could not get that changed. She used the opportunity to do everythign she could to alienate them from him. What she basically wanted was just his paycheck, but otehrwise to have him out and have total control over the kids, who wouldu lose his point of view (which is what could have provided some balance in thier lives).
Because he acquiesed from the beginning, he was never able to fix it. Now, that said... you should know his kids are older teens. Because of things she's done since the judge & evaluators made thier decisions, if the kids were younger there is no doubt that she'd lose custody entirely. However, he has to balance the current situation's problems with the problems of having OLDER teens switch residences at this age. With your child, if you lost custody entirely because of some stupid thing like her moving away and you letting her... there is the possibility that if you were diligent and she were as unstable as this first move seems to indicate, that you could collect enough evidence to eventually get a change of custody, after a second court battle, and a huge expense of money to pay for attorneys... after having lost most contact for a few vital years. IF you lose today, I'm saying, all is not lost. You could spend the time and money and research and fight the battle again & win maybe. If you're very organized and do a good job of it.
But why set yourself up for that? Don't agree to her moving and don't let her make the claim that because you work, you never see your child. If she doesn't already, she's going to be working full time pretty soon... separation means that she's going to have to take care of her own finances/living expenses, and it doesn't matter WHICH 40 hours a week you work, it's going to be time away from the child.
If she's lucky to get shifts that are not during your work hours, then great. You get the child when she's working, she gets him when you're working, and it works out really well... and NEITHER of you will be able to say that the other is not a full-fledged parent.
Don't let her say that because your work hours are ... waht... during school hours instead of evenings & weekends like her shift work might be?... that you're not a full fledged competent parent. Heck, if she works nights, you're the one who is there to put him to bed and also later when things go bump & terrify the child in the middle of the night.
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Tardy71
New
Reged: 05/05/08
Posts: 3
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Again, Thanks to everyone for your advice and support! Every reply to my post has told me not to agree! That has really made me think hard and i gave her my answer, a resounding no! Nevertheless, she was not happy!
My concern now is that she will take my boys and go anyway. She said she had a job offer on the table. Should i file a temporary custody order asap to try to stop this?
I am more than a little concerned! Thanks again for all your help!
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Jada
Platinum
Reged: 06/02/07
Posts: 3499
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[quote]Again, Thanks to everyone for your advice and support! Every reply to my post has told me not to agree! That has really made me think hard and i gave her my answer, a resounding no! Nevertheless, she was not happy!
My concern now is that she will take my boys and go anyway. She said she had a job offer on the table. Should i file a temporary custody order asap to try to stop this?
I am more than a little concerned! Thanks again for all your help! [/quote]
Yes, you need to get an order restraining her from moving out of state with your kids.
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Starion
Gold
Reged: 03/04/08
Posts: 146
Loc: South Florida
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Do you have a lawyer ??
You need one. Talk to him/her. Maybe no on filing - she takes the kids away could work in your favor for custody if you want that and CS. IMO you need legal advice. A short term not being able to see the kids could pay in spades in the long run. She moves and stops bringing the kids in a couple months. You go there to see them/get visitation for a few months. Your lawyer presents in court your efforts and her moving 3-1/2 hours away... you could win custody and a ruling that she pays all expenses to see the kids.
Lawyer up.
Are you willing to be a single dad ? Do you have family in the area ?
Signed,
a dad who fought for his kids and won. It isn't all roses - it's a lot of work and basically slamming your future dating life door shut. But. maybe not long term... there are many divorced moms with kids... if your open to a blended family.
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EZmark
Platinum
Reged: 06/04/07
Posts: 292
Loc: Florida
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Tardy you aren't getting it yet? You're going to need more than a polite motion. If she has a lawyer you are going to get motioned in a few days and start defensive bleeding and losing. Do you have 10K to spend on this first round? IMO you need to do one of two things immediately.
1)If she has a lawyer advising her she will be using the system against you and being careful not to make any mistakes. I'm with Jada's ruthlessness on this one, file a restraining order immediately! Chances 50% you'll be able to keep the kids near you depending on the judge. Chances are you will lose everything else and most of the time with them regardless in the long run.
2)On the other hand if she's blinded by her three month fling and isn't getting legal advice Starion is right, great point, let her take the kids without permission. A mistake like that would likely cost her custody and with that support. If she doesn't make a mistake you're f*cked in this system. If she makes the mistake of running off with your kids and her BF before any seperation agreement she will lose big time! Maybe you could even get her to THINK you're OK with her running off without getting any permission if she's got no counsel you understanding softy.
You need to speak with your lawyer tomorrow. If he can't tell you how he can hang her when she makes the mistake, or file the RO, you need someone else.
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 5176
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p.s. The tactic of letting her take the kdis without permission is very dangerous and will require a lot of work up front on your part. Teh minute she takes them you need to be on target, filing motions and demands that she bring them back immediately. That way, you will be showing how important the time with the kids is. Without doing this, you look like you're just acquiescing to wahtever she insists on doing as a parent, adn this is NOT parent-like behavior, to acquiesce when they've been kidnapped away from you!
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Aubreys Mama
New
Reged: 05/07/08
Posts: 16
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I am in the same situation as your ex, except I have only 1 child and have been with my boyfriend (not the father of my child) for 10 months today. (my ex left me while i was pregnant and soon after i started dating a good friend of mine) My boyfriend now lives in spartanburg which is an hour and 1/2 away from where me and my ex currently live. He is in a posistion where he cannot move down here and i am strongly considering moving there. Me and my ex are going to court next week over custody and child support. We are trying to come to an agreement between the two of us as far as visitation and have run into the same problem. I want him to have standard visitation (every other weekend) and he wants more i understand he wants more but with our work schedules and the distance it makes it harder to give more. My child and i spend aprx. 2-3 hours together at night on my work days thats not much at all and if he were to have her every weekend i would not get any days off with her myself.
What would you prefer your wife do?
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chatter box
Platinum
Reged: 11/09/07
Posts: 1309
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I'm not a big fan of the geographic restraining orders but I have to ask why should your X and your kid have to give up more time because you want to move? Maybe he should get more time in the summer.
I do believe that geographic restraining orders are important at least until everything is settled.
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germangirl631
Platinum
Reged: 04/04/08
Posts: 1332
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[quote]I have only 1 child and have been with my boyfriend (not the father of my child) for 10 months today. My boyfriend now lives in spartanburg which is an hour and 1/2 away from where me and my ex currently live. He is in a posistion where he cannot move down here and i am strongly considering moving there. [/quote]
A'sMama-
Why would you uproot your child from his father for a BOYFRIEND?? Is this a fiance? What if you move there, and then he dumps you. Then what kind of pickle would you be in. I can see why the father of your child does not want you to move. It's not for a better job. It's for a boyfriend! stay put for your child's sake. At least they'll see their father on a regular basis.
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Aubreys Mama
New
Reged: 05/07/08
Posts: 16
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I refer to the father of my child as a sperm donar the only reason why he remotely was trying to get custody or joint custody is because 1- his mother is pushing him to do so, 2- so he doesnt have to pay child support. The guy that i am dating yes we are planning on getting married in the future but we want to live together first before making that commitment. He adores my daughter and has done more for her then her father. so its not like i am moving in with a fling. I would not be dating somebody and allowing them to be in my childs life if it was not going to be long term.
and she will see her father on a regular basis whether i live here or more it just means that i have to drive an hour to meet him halfway when he gets her and brings her back. I cannot live at my mothers forever andi cannot afford to live on my own with a child esp with no support like it has been
Edited by Aubreys Mama (05/07/08 12:56 PM)
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EZmark
Platinum
Reged: 06/04/07
Posts: 292
Loc: Florida
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"I refer to the father of my child as a sperm donar"
"He adores my daughter and has done more for her then her father."
"He is in a posistion where he cannot move"
"Me and my ex are going to court next week over custody"
"I cannot live at my mothers forever"
>>>>>>>>>>.
He's not sperm donor he's dad. R U just a vag for BF?. New BF's problems don't matter! Dad will pay child support no matter what, the money will actually support the child and not YOU when she is with dad.
YOU need to support your child too and stop leaching off your mother. You are selfish and have a undeserved sense of entitlement, probably from overly generous mom. YOU are wasting your kids future financially and YOU are putting her through a custody battle to get what YOU want, in the end there will be a lot less for YOU too. It amazes me these women who would burn the house down to cook themselves eggs.
Why not move and enjoy yourself with BF, live together get married whatever YOU desire, and drive to see your child as often as possible until you can both arrange a move be in her current school system. Think of all the free time you'll have with BF to make sure it's right, and you'll find out if he's willing and you're still willing to move for your daughter. That's what I would have you do, or would that be too inconvenient for YOU?
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Jada
Platinum
Reged: 06/02/07
Posts: 3499
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[quote]I refer to the father of my child as a sperm donar the only reason why he remotely was trying to get custody or joint custody is because 1- his mother is pushing him to do so, 2- so he doesnt have to pay child support. The guy that i am dating yes we are planning on getting married in the future but we want to live together first before making that commitment. He adores my daughter and has done more for her then her father. so its not like i am moving in with a fling. I would not be dating somebody and allowing them to be in my childs life if it was not going to be long term.
and she will see her father on a regular basis whether i live here or more it just means that i have to drive an hour to meet him halfway when he gets her and brings her back. I cannot live at my mothers forever andi cannot afford to live on my own with a child esp with no support like it has been [/quote]
You chose to have a child with the father (even if it was an accident, you still chose to have sex with him). The long-distance parenting plan sucks for babies. It involves long periods of time away from both parents. At a time when the baby needs frequent contact.
Not to mention that the father can contest the move and end up with custody. Or you could (and should) end up paying all of the transportation costs.
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totllylost
Bronze
Reged: 05/25/06
Posts: 32
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If you don't ever remember another piece of advice you are given, PLEASE remember this one!!!! Because I learned this the hard way.
THE PERSON YOU ARE DIVORCING IS NOT THE SAME PERSON YOU WERE MARRIED TO AND FELL IN LOVE WITH!
Meaning she will not do anything you would expect her to do kindly and will do things that you may never expect she would do.
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