picasso
Platinum
Reged: 09/16/07
Posts: 1839
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Now that I'm working back in my hometown, I've been seeing a lot of people that i knew back in the days before I met my wife...people I used to hang out with, talk to, etc.
I met an old friend by chance, and she said it would be great if we could meet up for lunch or something, so I accepted. We talked for awhile, hugged and exchanged pleasantries as would be expected of two old friends that havent seen each other in a long time.
Well, I quickly figured out she is also divorced. Her husband walked out on her for another woman. I explained MY situation to her. She said "You and me, see...we understand each other. We were such good friends back then...and I had a bit of a "crush" on you, but was always too scared to say anything."
I skirted around the topic for as long as I could until she finally just said "What do you think the possibility of you and I seeing each other is?"
I felt an almost immediate rush of panic. I didnt know what to say or do. All I know is that the thought of actually DATING someone before the divorce is final (hell, the stbx still hasnt even FILED) feels inherently wrong to me somehow. I felt awkward, like I was doing something I shouldn't be doing...like I was cheating on my wife.
I regained my composure, and calmly explained to her that I did not think I was ready for any kind of relationship, but that I was EXTREMELY flattered that a girl like her would be interested in me as far as an actual relationship goes. She said she completely understood as she had also been through this, and she appologized in case she made me feel awkward or uncomfortable. I told her I was fine, and that I was excited to FINALLY reconnect with some of my old friends again.
The rest of lunch was just small-talk and such.
Fact is, the girl is absolutely stunningly beautiful, but I honestly don't know her anymore...its been 13 years since I saw her last. Still, I felt SO awkward.....
I guess being with the same woman for almost 14 years now, all of my warning meters are still attuned to being married...and being in a situation like that with another woman definately made the "you're crossing the line" meter go ape.
Just when I thought I was making progress, I get a slap in the face back to the reality that I am NOT ready for anything at all...and I'm evidently not as over my stbx as I thought I was, or as much as I would LIKE to be.
YES, I realize she's done with me and has probably moved on to another relationship that she is merely keeping quiet from me for now. I just wish I could do the same.
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NO FATE
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germangirl631
Platinum
Reged: 04/04/08
Posts: 851
Loc: NJ
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Reconnecting with old friends is a great thing! I would keep hanging out with this woman since you do know each other, and she can probably help you talk through things. If she keeps bringing up the "lets date" thing, you need to say no if you're not ready. If she doesn't understand, then you'd need to stop hanging out with her. It sounds like friendly support is what you need. Let her give it to you if she'll do it!
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Motor-Head
Platinum
Reged: 02/07/08
Posts: 594
Loc: 10,000 RPM
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I have read what has happened in your marriage you need to go file and stop letting the x run the show. Then you can move on and date etc etc if you fell guilty now. Not sure why you do after what she has done to you buttttttt until then you’re just living in limbo. Go file for the D and get on with life.. You’re letting your x control your life when she is not even in it.
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taryn
Platinum
Reged: 05/31/07
Posts: 2105
Loc: Hell...but im coming back up, ...
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how fun to have someone flirt around and even ask you out.
when youre ready, you'll date,
if you date before youre ready, you'll stop.
it's all good.
youre doing fine!
i have to say....motor kind of has a point, pic.
should you file?
it's been a while and the process could take a year or so.
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taryn.
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ljlost
Platinum
Reged: 09/30/06
Posts: 5380
Loc: HELL
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I think you have waaaay too many things going on to be dating and you are NOT letting go like you say you are. It IS time to file. One of you needs to do it. Then you can BOTH move on. But, just going to luch is ok. It doesnt have to be with her, go out with several people from time to time. Have some fun.
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cantbelieveit02
Silver
Reged: 01/01/08
Posts: 60
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Your honesty with your feelings with person will yield great rewards in the near future. Good for you and keep it up!
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mrpat
Platinum
Reged: 09/12/07
Posts: 2617
Loc: Michigan
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Nothing wrong with having a lunch partner in the future again. I've gone out on non-dates just to hang out with women. Your divorcing not dying. Keeping in touch with the opposite sex is a good thing. Good to see you making strides forward. I can say that I now think you're gonna be ok bud.
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People don't care how much you know.........until they know how much you care.
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 4790
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Some people can emotionally detatch while they're still married and even living together (either in an "open" marriage or by cheating, which is awful). Others need to have the divorce papers filed. Still others need to have the divorce final. I needed a few months after the divorce was final before I was ready. It's all very individual.
You may very well be one of those who can not feel available until the paperwork is filed.
Your stbx will not file as long as she is comfortable in her current situation. You need to file. YOU are not comfortable in the current situation. Your only reason for not filing is some hope that it MEANS something that the paperwork is not filed. You KNOW that to HER it means nothing, but to YOU it DOES.
And because it does, you need to file. It's not that hard, just turn your ability to focus on a problem (and we KNOW that you, of all people, can focus on something) onto the issue of finding the paperwork & filling it out, and get it started. You'll probably find that just doing that is not a magic bullet that tkaes care of everything, but at least it'll be FILED and the process will have been started for you to heal.
Until you do, the process for your healign from the rejection will not even start.
At some point, I will be saying to you that a lunch flirtation is NOT a commitment, it's NOT an important thing, it's JUST the opportunity for talk, flirtation, maybe a hug or kiss. But for now, because you are one of those who feels still attached without the paperwokr being filed, even the THOUGHT of a flirtation, hug or (gasp) kiss is offensive.
Get to a point where it is not offensive... file... THEN we'll talk about how much fun it is to reconnect with old friends or have lunch with a pretty girl.
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kent
Platinum
Reged: 06/13/07
Posts: 2962
Loc: a melted glacier
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Pic -
So many things --
first - congrats on having a nice meal with ANOTHER women. That is a good thing. Just a meal. That is all it was. Nicely done.
Second -- nice job on being open with her and yourself. You are NOT ready for any sort of relationship yet. You are still spinning. You need to get your bearings before you can move on. You did the right thing being open. I am proud of you.
Third -- FILE AND GET OUT!!! You have put in your all. You are letting the ex (notice not STBX -- EX) run things. You have let you delay and even prevent you living your life. It is time.
Fourth - after you file (and even before ... like now) focus on healing. Finding your stable ground. Finding YOU.
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Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.
Dr. Seuss
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picasso
Platinum
Reged: 09/16/07
Posts: 1839
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im just trying to find the old me again. For a long time, I was someone that I did not want to be...something that was against my nature...and now I feel like I'm back.
Just trying to be myself, you know?
For the record, we gave each other a HUGE hug after lunch, and she kissed me on the cheek and said "It's so nice to finally see you again." For some reason, I didnt feel all wierded out by THAT...but the thought of DATING...well...I explained all that.
I dunno...probably filing would start the process, but I seriously doubt I'd feel more at ease about getting into a relationship. I've already told myself NO DATES until at least 6 months after the divorce is final...if for no other reason than to allow me time to deal with any leftover grief or feelings, etc.
I'm definately the "slow and steady" type....I dont like to just rush into anything at all...and I've always been VERY patient when it comes to relationships. I prefer to take things pretty slowly...I NEVER just jump in headlong and risk making a mistake I'll regret later.
I much prefer to first get to know the girl very well. I'm a firm believer in friends FIRST...and it takes time to develop a true friendship.
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NO FATE
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