Broken09
New
Reged: 05/06/08
Posts: 2
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Hello all.....
I am in need of some advice here and really appreciate the help. Here is my story:
My wife and I have been together for 10 yrs., 8 of them married. We have a 4 year old child together and live in a comfortable home. Our marriage was great pre-kids...do not ever remember having any serious problems at all. Once we had our child we focused all of our energies on our little one and of course our life style changed. During the first two years with child my wife stayed home and raised our son while I worked and tried to support the family. After that we decided to move into a bigger home which required my wife to go back to work part time to help ends meet. She is a very smart woman and once she started working, her employer noticed her capacity and offered her more hours until eventually a year ago she went back to work full time. During the last year she started to focus a lot on work and herself. She seemed to kind of check out in a way on her family life and started turning into a person that I did not quite know. She started going out with the girls on the weekends, occasionally at first but then turned into every weekend. Meanwhile I just tried to be a good provider and father as that is what I thought she wanted in a husband. Eventually we had a discussion about all of this and she told me that I was not fun anymore and that my idea of a perfect wife is someone to sit on the couch next to me. She also mentioned that she was kind of confused and not happy at times in our marriage. I asked her if there was someone else and she said NO point blank to my face. We decided we were going to do everything in our power to make the marriage work. Well a week and a half ago I discovered some emails to the owner of the company she works for basically unveiling an affair. She was/is obviously emotionally tied to this guy by the contents of the emails. They also reveiled her true thoughts on some of our close friends that I never even knew about. After confronting her on this she told me that it was only a stupid kiss as they both realize that it was not a smart move. During the heat of the moment she decided to leave and stay with relatives. Since she left we have been trying to juggle our little one and all of my world is crumbling down. We basically had a meeting a few days after the blowout and she told me our marriage was too far gone to save. We have spoken since and are both in counseling right now for ourselves. She will not let me know if she is coming back or not. As of now I think her plan is to continue counseling until she can find herself and remain seperated while that happens. I love her very much and she was basically my life for the last 10 years. I am willing to accept what has happened and want to try to do marriage counseling with her. She just wants her space. Do any of you have advice on what to do in this situation?
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mfergel
Platinum
Reged: 02/11/08
Posts: 1353
Loc: Richmond, VA
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You know, I don't think I'm in a position to offer advice so much, but my suggestion would be for both of you to continue seeing counseling and see how this all plays out. You're wife may in fact be too far gone. I think right now all you can do is wait.
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Here I am ladies.......come and get me. :-)
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newlife07
New
Reged: 05/05/08
Posts: 20
Loc: Virginia
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I can only say that from my own experience(my ex also had an affair or two) I learned that you can't push. She will have to make the decision on her own. And if she continues talking to a counselor-that is a good thing. If there is anything going on with the boss she has that outside "pull" adding to her confusion. Don't beg, bribe or make promises to try to get her back home-it won't work. Let her know how you feel, what she means to you and that you are willing to give her the time and space to figure out what she wants. Then take care of yourself and your children. Get the counseling, find a separation/divorce recovery group in your area-be proactive in maintaining your mental and physical health. If you believe in prayer, pray. You will get through.
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cantbelieveit02
Silver
Reged: 01/01/08
Posts: 60
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same old song and dance dude just remember think of yoursef at this time.
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Broken09
New
Reged: 05/06/08
Posts: 2
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Thank you all for the comments. This is so much harder than I ever imagined it could be. It seeps into every moment and does not rest. I understand what you mean about the begging/pleading part as I started to resort to that and realized it was going nowhere. It seems the more I try to talk to her about things the more angry she gets. The part I do not understand is that I feel like the one trying to make things right even though I was never unfaithful to her.
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newlife07
New
Reged: 05/05/08
Posts: 20
Loc: Virginia
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I did the same thing, but you cannot make things right by yourself and that is what you are trying to do. Let her go-give her the time she needs. It will be one of the hardest things you have probably ever had to do but you will continue to get nowhere with her right now. You might NEVER understand why she did what she did and why you are the one trying to put things back together. My ex did not, would not and still does not accept ANY responsibility for the things he did and I had to come to terms with that and decide to take care of myself and my kids-it was all I could do.
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undecided 72
Gold
Reged: 09/24/07
Posts: 152
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I know how you feel. I can remember reading the email from the OM. When these things happen the person straying is supposed to be the one to beg for forgiveness, but that's not the reality. I'll try to impart some of the things I learned.
Don'ts
number one you've already been told, do not beg, plead, make promises, or try to be super spouse etc. Do not blame yourself. Do not expect or even hope for some event to make everything right. Any quick solutions will not last, this will take time to heal. Don't physically confront the scumbag boss, it will only get you in trouble. Don't obbsess about your wife's whereabouts.
Dos
Become the best dad you can be, imagine how scared your four year old must be at this time. If your wife comes to you, listen. Any changes you make in your life must be for your growth. Excersize daily start slow if you aren't already in shape, write things, here or in a journal. Talk to friends, but always try and stay focused on your feelings. Expect massive mood swings, these will subside, but it takes time. Set a personal goal for yourself that you have always wanted to do but weren't sure if you could (like a marathon or something similar) then make sure you finish it.
Just remember this is a very uncertain time in your life. You will learn to deal with whatever happens. It feels like your family is gone, but things have only changed nothing is really lost. You can use this for an opportunity to better yourself as a person. If you do that and your wife wants to reconcile then your marriage will be stronger, if your wife doesn't come back then you will still be stronger and now have the knowledge that you can handle things on your own.
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undecided 72
Gold
Reged: 09/24/07
Posts: 152
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If your wife does have a change of heart, make sure it is on YOUR terms. You do need to be a little bit tough here, if you just accept whatever she wants you will never have any respect in your marriage. No matter what her reason's are, starting a relationship based on dishonesty is not a reasonable response.
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mfergel
Platinum
Reged: 02/11/08
Posts: 1353
Loc: Richmond, VA
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Quote:
If your wife does have a change of heart, make sure it is on YOUR terms. You do need to be a little bit tough here, if you just accept whatever she wants you will never have any respect in your marriage. No matter what her reason's are, starting a relationship based on dishonesty is not a reasonable response.
I agree. If my wife every decideds she wants to give us a second chance, I'll be expecting for her to agree to counseling for us, etc.
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Here I am ladies.......come and get me. :-)
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